So, Saturday was a tough day...
I'm not really sure what to say. All I know is that I want to talk about it but, I'm not sure how.
Ok, this is another situation where it seems horrifically stupid until I explain how I see things or my theory for my mind's reaction.
Recently my family got Netflix but it's where we can only watch it on one divice at a time. So, if I'm watching it on my laptop, my sister wouldn't be able to watch it on the upstairs tv. She'd be able to watch Xfinity or a regular movie.
Well, I was watching it in the morning when she was home and she came in my room asking for me to go to something else and I told her no and that I'd like to be left alone. I wasn't rude about it.
She went to basketball practice and I was still on it when she came back. My mom told me that we'd be getting family pictures taken any time between 12:00pm - 1:30pm. So, I was "dolling up" as my dad calls it. Doing my hair, makeup, etc. My hair was a mess so, I had to work with it a bit. I was doing my hair before she left and was finished with my makeup when she came back.
After she was back, she came stomping down into the basement and I remember thinking the steps sounded very angry and was confused. I can reconize all my family's footsteps and I knew it was my sister. I have this poster on my door and it has this shitty frame were each side can slide off. She barged in and I could hear the bottom "frame" fall to the ground and the poster swing.
I've always been very bitchy about peoples voice tones. A tone I don't like can completely set me off to where I have to get space from whoever did it. Her tone was extreamly angry and she said to get off Netflix. Honestly, if she came in saying, "Hey, you've been on Netflix all morning, I'd really appriciate if you could just watch youtube or something so, I could watch a movie. You can watch it with me too, if you'd like." That's what I would've done. Maybe not invite her to watch the movie, tbh, but something like that.
So, I got really angry immediately but tried to stay calm. I had Nibbles and Alya running around on my bed so, I couldn't just freak out. I told her that she was being rude and was making me angry. She yelled that she didn't care and I yelled louder to get out. I then jumped up not paying attention to Alya, who I could've hurt by squishing her or knocking her over. I started to push her out of my room but she pushed me back. I've never relized how weak I actually am. I always think I have Nicki's strength. Nowhere near...
My dad came down yelling at us to stop. When I yelled at him to get her out, he wouldn't before I said, I'd get off Netflix. Fucking serious? I didn't want to feel like I was "backing down" so, it made me angrier.
When they left I locked all doors and turned off lights. I thought I heard whimpering from Alya but after looking for her, I saw her run past me. I picked her up and she was just her usual self. She didn't seem injered at all. I think she ran under my pile of shirts on the corner of my bed when I started to get up. I immediately started crying when I thought I hurt her and felt so much emotion, I was lightheaded and was hoping I'd just faint. I remembered the utility knife I kept by my bedside and ran for it. You can probably guess the rest.
I went after my wrists though. It was easiest to get to and I was able to cut harder. I kept doing it while saying, "I can do it" over and over. It was as if they were the only words I knew. I don't know what I meant by it. I just felt better saying it.
My left wrist is worse and my right only has about 6. My left has around 25. Hard to count...But the point is, it's not super bad compared to how far some people go... I didn't bleed much either, so they're minor.
I was breathing really hard and yelling "I can do it". I kept hitting the back of the utility knife (the part witout the blade) againt my forehead and I have a little bump and it's sensitive. Not noticable unless I point it out though. My dad called my name a few times before removing the door knob on the first door that goes into the basement. It took a while. I was overall done breaking down when he got in. He asked if he'd need to break down my bedroom door too and I told him no, and unlocked the door.
He was able to get me to go get pictures taken still.
My mom was helping out at the photography place, thingy. So, it was just my dad and sister who were going. My mom knew none of this, yet. I fixed up my makeup and got re-dressed. I was only wearing leggings and a tanktop through all of that. I even had some blood on my chest but, my dad didn't seem to notice anything because, I didn't exactly show it off. I grabbed some old leggings I never wear and cut it up to be like shitty arm gloves to cover my wrists. We went and because of my emotional state, my dad let me bring Mojo. I sat in the front and my sister and I didn't talk. My dad tried to make conversation but got few responses.
When we got there I, of course, couldn't bring in Mojo, so I got him comfy and was worried about leaving him.
When we were waiting and my dad had to go to the bathroom leaving only my sister, I and my mom who was still working. My mom asked why I was sad. My sister said we had a fight and said, I wouldn't get off Netflix. Making it sound like I started it all and was being the asshole. I then said that I got mad because she came stomping down into my room yelling at me. She then started to go off and I "had to go to the bathroom". My mom asked if I knew where it was and I lied that I did. How the fuck would I know that? I've never been here. But I happened to guess correct because I ran into my dad who just left the bathroom while I was wandering. I told him my sister was starting up the fight again so, he and I just looked around for a bit. When I came back, I sat on one end, my sister on the other. He sat by my sister which I felt kinda crappy about but, I probably looked into it too much. Lily was there helping too beause her dad was one of the photographers. She tried talking to me but it ended with her saying, "You don't look so happy..", me nodding and her awkwardly walking away.
I hated the photoshoot.
Mojo was fine and was crawling up the seat, and looked happy that I was back when he saw me through the window. Not sure if he even reconized me but, I like the first idea better, haha.
My sister ended up apologizing saying she was mad because of how basketball practice went. I didn't really appriciate it. She's taken out her anger on me since we were little. I have lots of resons to hate her. Few to like her. You're expected to love your family, just because you're related. That's the only apology I remember from her when it comes to all the shit she's done. I think she only apologized since I wouldn't just act like it didn't happen like I usually do.
My dad also won't put my knob back on my door because he doesn't want me to ba able to lock it. My mom told him to put it back and she said he got mad about it. I haven't talked to him about it.
Not sure if I already told you this. Cynthia told me she thinks I'm mad because I always feel like my bounderies are being crossed. I also think it's because how weak I feel that I can't really defend those bounderies. My anger is very limited now. Now, I get sad. I struggle to raise my voice or make much noise. I'm just weak. I don't feel any strength from Damon or Nicki. I just feel sick. Not myself.
Ok, just to prove how overly emotional I am, I just got super sad that Gear Duran got sent home in Skin Wars. Half of me doesn't even want to watch it anymore. He's just so freakin adorable, sweet, and talented. I thought he'd win like WHY??!!! WTF -_-
I really have to get homework done so, I can't make corrections...
"Some days life is all about your dreams, hopes and visions for the future. But there are some days where life is just about putting one foot in front of the other. And that's okay."