I'm not feeling well. At all. I'm just really stressed where I want to be left alone and am very irritable. Aaron had just told me something which is actually what has me really stressed out. I don't really want to talk to anyone but, you (Lara), Cynthia, and my mentor (she's a friend but, I call her that because she's around Cynthia's age and has taught me many life lessons). Mainly because I know you guys help me. My friends help more in a way of distraction. I don't want to stress anyone out (especially Aaron since he doesn't seem to be feeling well) by not talking to them. But, I really just can't deal with anymore stress because it's just too much.
I'm not sure whether I want to say what.
Aaron had asked me if I knew Binary Code. I didn't but, he insisted I learned. I kept asking why but he said it'd make sense later. So, I learned it (somewhat). He had first tested me by saying my name in Binary code - 010000100111001001101001
He then said that he liked me in binary code. Half of me thought "like like" and the other half thought he meant it as in a friendly way. He's done random things like that before. He's left "anonymous" notes saying, "I like apples." before. So, I chose my second guess. He said that wasn't it. I just really didn't want to say "Oh, do you LIKE me?" because, if not... Do you know how awkward that'd be? Very. Beyond. Horrifically. I just don't believe most people understand what love is and the spark to look for. But at the same time, I have the weird block when it comes to guys. To make the situation even harder, (as you know) I have a girlfriend. And then to add to the stress is my school situation. I'll just tell you that too but, I can't be specific. I can't take a class because it is very damaging to me emotionally and mentally and maybe even physically. I'm trying my best just to get out. The rules are so fucking stupid that I'll probably need to bring Cynthia in to get me out. Then I'm just stressed about things I always am.
I kept trying to get Aaron to be more specific on what he meant. He wouldn't say. He kept going around the question or flat-out ignoring it. I made him promise to tell me in the morning. I said a certain time but, he had woken up really late. I wasn't really mad, at all. As long as he told me, I wouldn't care. Then at one point,
Me : You still need to explain
(he was off the topic I wanted to be on)
Aaron : Hm?
Me: Eh. The Binary Code thing.
Aaron : Oh, that thingy... You sure you want to know?
Me : Yes.
His messages were slow as it was but it was hour later before I said, "Aaron?" Another hour or two later.
Aaron : Idk what you're talking about.
I sent a screenshot of our previous messages,
Me : Yeah, you do.
Another hour later,
Aaron : Thingy
OK. I just got pissed off even more. To the breakdown point. I'm just going to try my best to continue and calm the fuck down because I hate making you wait. My mom had just came in, took my wine (I always have it and don't drink inappropriate amounts. So, no worries), and nagged me about my pills. I take care of it but she's insisting, "But I have to take care of you." Cool, how about you start brushing my teeth for me. Whipping my goddamn ass. Like, if I can handle it, there's nothing for you to "take care of".
Me : I swear to god Aaron.
Half an hour later,
Aaron : Huh? What? You okay?
Me : No, I have a headache.
(I get headaches when I'm extreamly stressed. Still have one)
Me : Please just tell me.
Aaron : I was just poking around.
Me : I don't believe you, but ok.
Still no response after two hours. I'm usually laid back about people taking long to reply or whatever but, when I'm stressing about something, why the fuck are you soooo busy you can't send me three fucking words? I like to give people their space, but still. If I'm flipping my shit, why can't you take a few seconds for me? I know Aaron's been struggling the past few days so I'm doing my best to be patient (kinda failing, I know. I haven't went off on him so, give me that). And if he wasn't just poking around, he's probably stressing too, but handling it weird. Idk.
So, I'm no longer angry but, I do still just don't feel like talking to everyone. I'm better, though. Aaron, about 4-5 hours later he had apologized and said that his parents were back from Ireland. He had showed me the souvenirs they brought back. I decided to just let the binary thing go. I'm wondering whether I should just leave it alone or try to ask again.
I had just slept because I was exhausted and didn't want to deal with anything. I'm calm now, and hopefully will stay calm. I have lots of notes to take and still need to work on writing.
"Some days life is all about your dreams, hopes and visions for the future. But there are some days where life is just about putting one foot in front of the other. And that's okay."