Lara's Blog Page
Tonight I had like the weirdest dreams. I dreamed that you came to Slovenia with your parents (your sister was sent there) and your parents were really nice. I was with you guys and we went to the store. You told me before that you had trouble sleeping because you had nightmares again. And in the store I saw a dream catcher and I decided to buy it for you. It was orange and like... A medium size. (It looked the same as the one Lisa gave me few years ago when I couldn't sleep because I had nightmares. just that the one Lisa gave me was a bit smaller) but when I was going to give you the dream catcher you all of a sudden weren't you anymore. You we're Audrey. I mean you looked like her, you acted like her, you we're thinking like her but you were you. I was confused so I started to ask you questions about stuff Audrey doesn't know that you do and you/her knew all the answers. I was thinking about sending you a message on Facebook to see if you'd respond and if you-looking as Audrey would know anything about that. But I woke up before I could do that.
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So here's a piture of sky's cage. Sorry for the mess x) she just dosnt like to have it clean. she only needs like an hour ater I clean it up to get it back as it was haha Remember that rats can squize through anything their head fits in. That's why I put that green thingy over the original cage. And they like to climb so it's better to have higher cage.
+sky really likes eggs and soya milk. Try it out on RC :) (I know. My title ideas are awesome. haha)
1. GOODBYE ANA Ana is her real name. It felt right to put her real name in. I think I've mentioned to you once how I was in a hospital and I shared a room with one girl and the water started running on it's own. The girl I was with was Ana. That time she looked at me and was like ''do you believe in ghosts?'' I told her I do and she said the same. When I was in a hospital this time her parents told me she's in a really bad condition now. Her tumour has grown and it cut off her brain and she couldn't breathe because of it. So now she's not in our section anymore. she's on intense care section and she's not responding to anything. a part of her brain is still working and her heart is still beating but well she's not moving at all. The doctors said her heart could go on for few years but most of her brain is disconnected. But they said that when all of the brain cuts off they can put her out of her misery if her parents are up to it. Fortunately they are. When we were in a room together she (or the doctors) still was't sure what was happening to her. that was in June. And actually no one knows exactly what happened to her even now. If it was cancer it was a sort no one has ewer seen. Other in out tumours we have.. well I'm not sure what but not blood. Her tumour is full of blood. So they're not even sure if it is cancer. Few months ago she was talking about how happy she is because she was going to her first.. prom kind of thingy. And she was a ballerina and she had a dance competition coming up. I was calming her down saying that she's not even sure if it's cancer and not to panic. Now I wish it was cancer. That way she'd at least have a chance against it. And she was crying because they had to put that thingy for infusion in her arm. That time I had no idea what to say to her because I knew that there are many things way WAY more painful than that coming her way. But I didn't even think it would all end up like that. 2. HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEA Lea is also her real name. About 2 years ago cancer took her and today would be her birthday. I newer knew her but she helped me when I got diagnosed with cancer. She's been dead for more then a year when I got diagnosed with cancer but when I wrote to teen d. that I got cancer her friend contacted me. Her internet name is Grace. And she was the only one I actually talked about what's happening with me then. Remember how you forgot I had cancer? That was because I never talked about it. not even on the ''blog''. I only talked to her about it. I had a feeling like I'm on my own and she convinced me to let others help me. And she kind of guided me through the start. All because of Lea. I wish I could say thank you to her. 3. MAYA AND TIANA DRAMA Today was the first time we talked since we had that fight. They lost a lot of my trust and they'll probably never get it beck but I had a great time when I was with them so that counts a bit. we're going to the movies tomorrow. 4. MY THOUGHTS Do you ever wander what people would think if they could hear your thoughts (like the regular thoughts not the daydreams). Sometimes I'm so lazy I actually wish they could hear me think so I wouldn't have to talk hahk 5.ADDICTIVE OR ADDICTING I'm confused. How do I know when to use in a sentence.. ''this is addictive'' or when is it ''this is addicting''? so past few days have been crazy. I think on a way it's kund of a good thing Maya and I had a fight. I've spent so much time with her and Tiana I didn't have any time for my other friends. When they told me at the hospital I dint have chemo tgerapy yet I went to the sea side and 3 days ago Lisa, Audrey and 2 other friends came and we had a great time. From time to time I did miss Mia and Maya because I'm more used to them and they're more used to my limits but I did havea great time. Lisa, Audrey The next day we (my parents, my brother and the friend) went to Croatia and my friend's parents were there so first we drove him to them and then my brother and I went to my other friend (my parents went to the beach) and again I had a great time but I was really really tired when we got home Today I got home and there was an event in my town so I went there with Mia. And here's sky peeking out of my purse on our way there And tomorrow I'm offto the hospital. I'm not narely as fucked up about it as I was a week ago so I should be fine :3
So here is a picture that I was talking about in the ''@Croatia'' post. In the front you can see sea and behind that you can see mountain named Nanos.. Well I don't think it's exactly a mountain. It's more of a plateau I think. but well the point is that usually you cant see that from where I was. But the sky was so clear I could see it yesterday. And this is a picture I took a while ago but I think it's really pretty so I decided to post it. it's a picture of a salt evaporation pond in the sundown. This one isn't a picture of the sea and was also taken a while back. It's a lake close to where I live.
Just a quick update: I'm going to Croatia today and I wont have any internet there. I should be back by the evening but I'm not 100% sure.
Ok so I thought it was just me being irritable but this time they crossed the line. So yesterday I went out with Maya and Tiana and I apologised to them about how I behaved at the party. They said it was okay. but I'm sorry now that I apologised to them. today in the morning I was supposed to go to the sea side with my family. But Tiana had to go shopping for new pants and I promised her I'll go with her a while ago. we just didn't set the time then but I'm not gonna have time for 2 weeks now. So I asked my parents if we can go like after the lunch (we were supposed to go at like 5am) so I can go with Tiana shopping in the morning. They weren't too happy but they said yes. so I told her I can go with her. Mia and Maya were also supposed to go with us shopping. So in the morning I called Maya and she didn't pick up. and neither did Tiana. Mia was already at my place by that time and she called Tiana again and she finaly picked up. she said her head hurts and she's not going. Like.. are you serious? I didn't go to the sea side because of that and she couldn't even call me to tell me she cant go?! she was awake before because she said she already took some pills. so she could call and tell me. well Maya still wasn't picking up. So Mia and I went to her house. And we ''woke her up''. and she said that she already texted Tiana that she changed her mind and she's not going shopping. so.. she did text Tiana but didn't find 3 seconds more to copy the text massage and send it to us. And when she texted Tiana she somehow didn't see all the 10000 missed calls from us? I talked to her through phone then and told her all that and she just hang up. I was really angry then so I didn't want to talk to Tiana right away. I wanted to calm down first so Mia and I went to the mall first and just had a coffee. Neither of us really needed anything from the mall. we were just going because they asked us to. Then I texted Tiana and told her that my whole family had to wait 7 hours for her just to change her mind. At least she apologised. It wasn't an honest apology but it was more then I got from Maya. Maya still hasn't called me back. So well things like that make me feel bad. and I really don't need friends that are constantly making me feel bad. I'm pretty good at doing that myself. So I have no intention of hanging out with Maya or Tiana ever again.
(and just saying.. I still didn't unpack my things haha but I did get my laptop out :3) So.. I'm home. I went to the hospital but they sent me home because my wounds from the operation are not healed enough yet and chemo therapy would make it even worse. So I'm going back on Tuesday. Yesterday.. well.. I was really fucked up because I knew I'm going to the hospital today. I was at a party I didn't really wanna go to because I knew I will feel bad. but Maya convinced me to go so I dragged Mia and her boyfriend with me. At first I was having a great time but then best friend of a guy I kind of had something with came. I meat that guy with my previous friends (the ones I wrote a whole story about haha but I still get along with him) And I've only seen her like 2 times for about 5 minutes. I didn't even know she knows anyone from there (but apparently she knew the host aka the guy that was supposed to help me with my guitar) . She didn't recognise me though. I probably wouldn't recognise her either if she wouldn't have THAT name. her name stands out. + I had hair when we last saw each other. well the point is that when I saw her I felt like I HAVE to have fun and that she has to see I'm having fun. I did have fun until that happened but when I started to feel like I have to have fun I didn't have fun anymore (hahahaha I used the words ''have fun'' so many times it's actually fun now hahahaha) and then I got really tired and even more annoyed by everything so I was just sitting there. Mia and her Boyfriend were in a bad mood too but it had nothing to do with the party. So they weren't really helpful. And then I just said to Mia if we're going home (3 hours early) they both were up to it. but before we went I found time to snap at Maya and Tiana. I know it was my fault and I will apologise to them today when I see them. They were helpful the most. they tried to include me in the game of bear pong and we had our regular jokes and all but something made me snap at them. I never did that before. I'm usually calm and if something's wrong I don't just snap at people. but this time I did. and the 3 of us were alone in a room and when I snapped they just stood there still and quiet, didn't know what to say and then I just left and went outside where the others were. I sat on the bench behind the table (Mia and her boyfriend were still saying goodbye to people) and Maya and Tiana came after me and sat on the other side of it and Maya started to apologise for things she shouldn't even apologise for. Like for the fact that she left me alone wen she went inside to check on pizzas that were in the oven. And Tiana was just sitting there sad not knowing what she did wrong but judging from the expression on her face she probably felt really bad about it. I calmed myself down by then so I kind of knew that what I did was wrong but I stayed quiet and it probably looked like I was really angry at them. but I was quiet only because I'd start crying if I said anything. and then we left. so yeah.. I probably ruined Maya's and Tiana's night too and I feel really bad about it. and all that just because I was nervous about my chemo today -.-''
Sky is still doing fine. I dont think her tumour has grown much and she's still happely running around. She's just very careful. Here is a picture of her tumour. (the big one. There's another one but is way smaller) I'm learning how to sing while playing the guitar. I fing it really heard to sing while playing but I'm getting better at it. If I can get to my brother's computer tomorrow I'll try to record it and I'll do the same song I did last time so you can see if I got any better :3 Remember when I said my hair is starting to grow back? Well it only started to grow back because I was off the chemo for so long because of the operation I had. After first chemo I had (after the operation) they started to fall out again so I had to shave my had again. My exames are comming up and I'm getting kind of nervous. Well.. Actually I still have plenty of time (they're in february) but I'm getting nervous. So I kind of have a favour to ask.. When I write stuff wrong.. Could you correct me? I have an english test and my collage kind of depends on how I do on it (and 4 other tests) On wednesday I'm going back to the hospital because I have chemo therapy again. I'm scared as fuck. I so dont want to go back. I was actually thinking about giving up. I juat dont know if I can do it anymore. But I need to talk to my doctor first. I have a feeling she's gonna say I need to finish that or everything I went through ountil now was for nothing. I so freaking wish she wouldn't say that but I think she will. Ok I got sick just writing about it. So I'll stop. The point was I'll probably stop responding on wednesday evening for a few days. So my friends are back from Croatia but with them so is all the drama that I hate. First of all Mia and Maya are constantly fighting. they had a fight about what they were going to eat for lunch -.-'' like.. how can you fight about something like that?? and they're also fighting with everyone else. I'm kind of used to Mia doing so. She's been like tat since her (ex) best friends betrayed her really bad but for Maya that's new. 2 days ago I was with Maya and another friend (lets call her Tiana) Maya and Tiana dated once and were best friends before and after that. but they've been fighting a lot lately. Tiana had to leave before we did and when she was gone Maya told me they recently had a fight about Mia. She said that Tiana started to talk about Mia and said that she's been really annoying lately. and Maya said back that not long ago her and Mia (Maya and Mia) had a fight just about that and that Tiana was besides them but was quiet. and that if she has something against Mia she has to tell her and not talk behind her back. she said some more stuff but I cat remember it word to word. But the point is that when she was telling me that I kind of got the feeling that she was testing what I'd say. Like.. if she had a big fight with Tiana or any other friend if I'd be on her side.. I told her that when she fight's with Mia it puts me in an awkward position and that all I can do is try to calm them both down. (luckily when they fight it only lasts for about half an hour and then they're fine). But if she'd have a fight with anyone else I'd beck her up for sure. (And I meant that. even though I wouldn't be too happy about it I'd stand by her for sure). The next morning I went beck to the sea side. I wanted to test the ''too attached to Mia'' thing. I sent a picture of the sea through snapchat to some of my friends and among them was.. Nia. She answered and our conversation lead to why Maya is trying to pick a fight with her. she said that every time she texts Maya if she has any time Maya finds an excuse. and now Maya is saying that Nia never texts her. and we talked about that for like an hour. she said that the same time (2 days ago, when Maya and I talked about what I said earlier) that I asked Maya if she has time to go out she also texted her and Maya said no to her and yes to me. she used then as excuse that I only told her to call Tiana if she wants to join us. which is true. but I didn't mean no one else can join us. I only told her to call Tiana because the 3 of us live in the same area and expected that others won't want to come because they're too far away. Nia ofcourse knew that but we both are still confused about why Maya only ''has time'' when I call her. I just told Nia to be patient with Maya and that she'll probably see that she's doing the wrong thing by always telling them off when she gets bored
I know there's nothing you can do about it :P but I had to get that out. |