Lara's Blog Page
I was talking about a girl I used to be friends with maybe having a drug problem back on teen d. and I promised I'll write the whole story. I did write it but didn't post it. so here it is now. sorry this is probably gonna be very long. I'll do my best keeping it short.
one day I got a text from Lina asking if I would join her, Kim and Carla on a concert that evening. I didn't have many friends and it was not rare for me to feel lonely so I was really happy they have invited me and of course I said yes. we had a great time and I think it was the next day (or some time soon) we went for a coffee.we simply set in the bar and played monopoly cards but we had a great time again. and I just remember Kim saying something like ''now you're one of us''. and I finally felt accepted somewhere. I mean I had other people (like for instance the girl I probably got the idea for anorexia from) but that was different. I usually didn't want to interact with people even if they were my ''friends''. I preferred being alone. but with them I actually wanted to be. so we started hanging out really often. like every day. there was a caffee where we always met and spent the whole day in. We all come from different locations so we picked one city we all had access to easily and we meet there. I even did all my schoolwork there and we helped each other and when we were done we’d play cards or table football they had in the caffee. Or well do something fun. It was clear then that even tho there’s always the 4 of us and we’re always together that Kim and Carla were closer and Lina and I were closer. There wasn’t a big difference but let’s say that if we had to team up in 2 ‘’teams’’ to do something we knew how we’d team up right away. But Lina got a boyfriend (Kim Carla and I were all single) so Kim and Carla didn’t understand Lina wanted to spent some time with him as well. So they were always giving her crap about it. And then Lina started to distance herself more and more. We were used to doing everything together. Like if one of us had to go to the library all 4 of us would go. But she started to do those stuff alone and just meet us after she’s done them. Lina and I stayed great friends even after that. We’d sometimes go out without Kim and Carla and up until that point we had a group chat on facebook where we’d always talk all 4 of us. Even if the conversation was just between let’s say Kim and Lina they’d talk in group chat. but she started to talk to me (on facebook) starting our own conversation without Carla and Kim. so then after a while Lina almost never came to hang out with all of us. So even tho I still had all 3 of them by my side it kind of didn’t feel like it. And there were just 3 of us in the caffee now. Before it was easy to go 2 and 2. Not just when we were.. Let’s say playing something we had to get in teams of 2 but also when we’d go somewhere and the sidewalk was not wide enough for all 4 of us we’d go 2’n 2 and well stuff like that. So now I was afraid of staying alone. I never did though. We always figured something out. We’d wait turns or ask someone else to join us or for the sidewalk example we’d just walk on the driveway where the roads were not bussy (that was just an exampe) and so on. But I was still getting the feeling like I was kind of alone. And then Carla’s schoolmates family opened up a new family caffee few blocks away. (let’s call her Olivia and her sister Sophia -we’re gonna need their names later.) So we decided it’s time to switch our ‘’meeting point’’ and we started going to that new caffee. But a lot of people our age started to regularly go in that caffee so we became friends with a lot of them. And sometimes there’d be 10 of us or even more or if there was a party nearby and we’d go there’d be 20+ people and we’d have a meeting point in the bar and go together from there. But even tho I had about 20 people..’’friends’’ all around me (Carla and Kim among them) I again started to feel more alone in company then when I was actually alone. But at that point I was so used to all of that I didn’t even think about not being a part of it. I remember always just thinking ‘’ maybe it’s just a faze. I’ll feel better soon.’’ but well I didn’t. It just got worse. I had a little something with one boy.. Let’s call him Kevin.. but I knew we were newer going to be together. I did like the attention he gave me and I liked that he is smart but there’s things with us that didn’t klick and I know we both knew it. But others started to notice there’s something going on between us and of course the rumors started ‘’on it’s own’’ how I’m actually in love with him. And I really didn’t like them and I was afraid he’d actually believe them and that would just make things awkward between us. So I started to act weird and it probably just helped with the rumors. So he of course believed I was in love with him and he started to text me less and less and well everything eventually stopped. Wanna guess where Carla and Kim were when that happened? Well I can only guess myself. My guess is on top of the spread the rumors team. I was obviously in emotional trouble. If I would be in love with him I’d have a broken heart or if they would somehow believe me they’d know how betrayed I’d feel because of everyone else. In any case I’d need a friend. But none of them came to talk to me about it. Or ask me how I’m doing about it. I even had a breakdown in front of them a few times and I’d just cry. I did tell them I wanna go home and they did make sure I got home but really I just needed a friend and if you ask me they knew it. They just didn’t bother to take the time to do something about it. Somewhere in the middle of all that mess we started to plan a trip to the sea side. Where about 8 or 9 of us would go for a week during vacation. Me, Carla, Kim, Carlas sister and her sisters girlfriend, Kevin, Olivia, Sophia and Sophia’s boyfriend Isaac. We were always talking about it. But then all of a sudden I wasn’t invited. And well that’s how it happened: one day Mia was home alone and she invited me, Maya and a few other girls over at her house I did go for like an hour or two but I left to be with Carla Kim and.. Well everyone. There was some sort of festivity in the town that was our “meeting point” so we have planed to go. There was over 20 of us again and we got drunk. About an hour inn Isaac started to pick on me (with words) I can't remember what it started with but I know Kim and Carla were nearby and none of them “stepped” on my side. They were just listening. And then he said something like “who even invited you to go with us to the sea side” I was on the edge of tears so I took my things and went on a bus station to go home. No one even sentvme a text if I’m fine. I was waiting for the bus to arrive and a taxi driver came to me and asked mebif I need a ride. He offered 50% off because he was going to my home town anyways (he knew whete I was headed because of the station I was waiting on) when I was in taxi I texted mia if I can come beck to her place. I didn’t want to go home because I knew my mom would notice there’s something wrong. Eweryone at mias place seemed to be happy I came beck. I wasent used to that. When I arrived when I met with Kim and Carla and others I felt like I wasent there at all. And that was the last time I tried to hang out with Kim, Carla and “company”
''Don't be afraid of the future.''
''change the path your life will follow''
''I have found so much beauty in the dark as I have found a lot of horror in the light''
Be strong now, because things will get better. It might be stormy now, but it can't rain forever.