For past few days I feel like shit. I cant sleep because I cant stop crying at night and when I finally almost fall a sleep I wake up because I suddenly can't breathe properly. I still don't feel like going out with anyone and Mia knows something's wrong. I think I know why I feel like that but there's really not much I can do about it. She wants me to get help or start talking to my friends about what's wrong. I told her that I tried to talk to 3 different "therapists" (one a few years ago and 2 in the hospital) but it didn't work with either of them. And that I can't talk to them because there's always about 10 people when we go out and I don't feel like having a whole class listening to how I feel. She said that that's not true. That there's not so many people every time we go out. And I guess she's right... But I still don't know why I can't talk to her. She tells me EVERYTHING. Even stuff I don't actually want to know x) but somehow I can't talk to her (or anyone else) about anything. But if she really wants to know.. Maybe I could write it down.. But even if I do I'm not sure I'll send it to her...
Why don't I feel fine? I think I'm kind of afraid of what's next. My life has been on pause for past year (since I got cancer) but I feel like the world was on fast forward. And now that my therapies are almost done I have to catch up to it. I'm 20 years old and I planed to be livin on my own by now. I was supposed to move last year. I had it all planed out. And now everything is changed and I'm not even used to taking care of myself anymore. I still plan to move as soon as I can but I have no idea how to do it. By moving away I feel like I'm betraying everyone that helped me this year. At the same time I feel like everyone's forgetting it's not over yet. When it all started everyone was the most supportive and now sometimes they forget I still can't do some stuff and I even feel worse then I did at the beginning. My body is exhausted and my leg hurts real bad from the radiation therapy. At the beginning they didn't let me do stuff that I knew I could do if they'd let me like go for a walk and now that I actually can't do them they sometimes expect me to. I don't want to go out that much because I feel like I'm holding my friends back from doing stuff and when they do stuff I cant I feel left out. My friendship with Mia's changed a lot and I miss the old her. But I can't hold that against her. She's changed because the life's been tough on her and she needed to grow up. I know she still looks at me as her best friend but to tell you the truth I can't say the same thing. I mean from all of my friends she still is on the top of my "list" but the feeling is just not the same. Actually all my friends seem to be starting their "grown up lives" and I'm.. Well as I said... I'm behind. And there's also my daydreams. I feel like I'm loosing them. It's probably because I used to go in to the "day dream world" when I was alone, listening to the music and walking/running. But I can't go for a walk anymore and I'm starting to "loose touch" with my characters. I sometimes zone out of conversations (actually that's starting to happen more and more) but that's not good because then I have no idea what people are talking about so I try not to do that. And sometimes I just zone out but it's never for more then a minute because someone notices it and stets to ask if I'm okay or tries to start a conversation with me.
So I feel a bit better. There's not much to say actually. I kind of ignore everything that's wrong and it's working for now. I need it to work until the end of chemo therapy. When I'm done with it I'll see how everything turns out. until then I can't do anything about it so I hope ignoring it will work for a while. I still can't sleep but at least I'm not crying all night. I just lay in bed. I did start to go out with my friends again. We're going to the movies tomorrow. I hope they'll let us in though x) It's 18+ and I'm taking my brother with me (he's 15). +2 others are 17. So 3 of us are of age and 3 are not. Let's hope they wont notice :P
''Don't be afraid of the future.''
''change the path your life will follow''
''I have found so much beauty in the dark as I have found a lot of horror in the light''
Be strong now, because things will get better. It might be stormy now, but it can't rain forever.