Lara's Blog Page
This is probably gonna be short. I have no idea what to write because I have no idea how I feel. I just know something is wrong. I feel betrayed by all my friends even though no one did anything to make me feel like that. I'm trying to find reasons for feeling like that. But I just come up with weird stuff that probably isn't even true. I'm tired of everything and everyone. I don't want to end my life but I do want to just stop existing. Just on a way that everything I did in the past would stay. And people would know who I was. but no one would be sad because I'm gone.
Ow.. and my confidence has gone to shit. No idea why. I mean I had a bunch of reasons to loose my confidence (like loosing hair, getting all the scars...) but I was fine until now. and now, it's not just about my appearance but about every-freaking-thing.
Yes. the awesome titles are back haha
I'm getting so tired of staying strong for others. As you know I'm not the most open kind of person. But whenever I do talk to people about how I feel and try asking for their help with my emotional state it never works anyway. At the end I'm always the one who has to ''stay strong'' for others. Logic of everyone around me is that ''staying strong'' for me means keeping secrets from me. But that only makes me more worried because I don't know what's happening. I can easily see when something's wrong with my friends or family and when I ask what's wrong they just say everything's ok because they think they're helping me by not making me worried. So if I don't want them to keep secrets from me they have to think everything's ok. And if I want everyone to think everything's ok I can't tell anyone how I actually feel. ok I explained that really really bad but I hope you get it. If you don't I'll try again just say it :3 So the point is.. Mia doesn't want to talk to Maya and Maya is trying not to talk too much to Tiana. Again I'm caught in the middle and acting like everything's fine. If I wouldn't be acting like everything's fine it'd all fall apart. Maya'd start talking to Tiana normally again. Tiana is just starting to understand what's going on. (*just so you know. Maya and tiana are still talking and everything. They're just not talking as much. It's so Tiana can move on.*) Mia and Maya'd start talking and Mia doesn't have her temper under control yet (she's trying though. that's why she's staying away from Maya for some time) so if they did start talking they'd start fighting again and Mia would get back to her bad temper.
I really want a tattoo. I have a lot of scars on both of my legs and I want to somehow connect them to the tattoos. On my right leg I have a bigger scar and I want to get that https://www.pinterest.com/pin/240661173813522030/ tattood in so it'd look like it's cutting my leg. I'll put in a picture of it. but it's not healed totally yet.
and on left leg I have more small ones and I dont know what I'll do there yet. but first I want to get that (the upper one) https://66.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lswpuyTIdh1qf1wmoo1_500.jpg tattood around my arm. I can just say it's because I never want to stop dreaming or forget my dreams. It's true but I doubt anyone will know what kind of dreams I'm talking about x) well.. you probably know x)
It's happening here too haha. you know how I was saying I'd probably hide under the bed if they'd be doing it here. Well.. it happened yesterday right in front of my block. A clown with a chainsaw scared a 10 year old boy . He didn't hurt him though. I told Tiana, Nia and Maya what happened and Tiana was like ''let's go hunt him down and beat the crap out of him'' knowing her she'd actually do it haha she knows karate and she's like really good at it. But I kind of doubt it's a good idea haha I have no idea what I'd do if I saw one but I don't want to know haha I usually have a knife in my purse but it's just because it comes in handy sometimes. If I'd panic enough I may actually use it on the clown. But I doubt that would happen. I'd probably freeze and then start to laugh or cry x) And when I told Mia about the clown she said ''don't worry. He's a psychopath so it's probably one of our friends'' haha she may actually be right x) some of our friends are crazy enough. But I really hope that they're smarten then that. To scare a 10 year old? He could actually hurt himself. like.. if he'd run home and jump in front of a car or something. how twisted do you have to be to find that fun?
So as you know I decided I need to talk to Mia. But because I couldn't do it I wrote it down. We started to talk about it but didn't have time to finish. You also know that we've been having some problems with Maya. So the day after I talked to Mia she decided it's time to talk to Maya. It kind of went fine but it was also a disaster. Maya now get's what's wrong and she's (hopefully) gonna try to do something about it. But Mia on the other hand.. I don't think she understands what exactly is going on and I don't know how to explain it to her because she doesn't listen. So here's what happened. We were in a caffee. Mia, Maya, Nia and I. Mia started to talk to Maya about how she's behaving and Maya listened. But the way Mia talked was wrong. She was half shouting and her ton was aggressive. I told her to change her tone but she said she doesn't know how to and she continued ''attacking'' her. And whenever I wanted to add something Mia just cut me off because she knew what I started to talk about and she continued talking about it. And then she said why I don't say anything. When I told her why she didn't listen to me anymore. Maya was quiet the whole time and Mia was telling her to talk and say something but all she could say was that she sees what Mia's talking about and will try to change it. Maya smokes and when she went outside to lite a cigarette I went with her and that was the only time we actually talked. I could see she knows something's not right but she had no idea what to do. So we set her a few little goals for starters and I think she's serious about them and is actually planning to reach them. One of them is not to talk to Tiana so much. She was confused on how to do that so we made a plan that she first has to get Tiana down from her ''favourite people'' list on her phone (the list the phone makes on it's own based on who you talk to the most). And a few things like that. But the point is I was talking calmly and she was talking back. so we actually made some progress. But when we went back inside to where Nia ans Mia were Mia started with the same ton and everything again and Maya was quiet again. So when we went home I was alone with Mia for like 2 minutes and she asked again why didn't I say anything to Maya. I told her I did and that every time I tried she cut me off. this time she was actually listening and she said she didn't even know she was doing it. So I told her to watch her ton and she said she doesn't know how to. I tried to help her but she stopped listening to me again. I mean she heard me but she wasn't really listening. And I know her since she was born. She didn't always talk like that. It's just for past year. I know a lot has changed in that year. But this is not OK. So the next day (yesterday) Maya texted me that Tiana texted me if I have some time for a coffee and I said yes. I don't know what got in to Mia again. They had some work to do around the house and she wanted Maya to go and help. Maya was tired from school and she started looking for excuses. Mia knew they were excuses and she called me and said she's annoyed because Maya's looking for excuses and that she should just say she doesn't want to help. I totally understood Maya because by the way Mia's acting towards her.. well I'd be afraid to tell her no too probably. And I told Mia what Maya was saying is actually true. It was true. But it was also true that she didn't want to go help. And then Mia just told me to cancel my plans with Maya. I was kind of shocked so I was speechless for like 2 seconds and then I told her I wont do that. She then said to only sent her SMS to cancel and then half an hour later text her again that I can come. I was just like.. wait.. what... I told her no again but I was so shocked she'd tell me to do something like that. I told her to stop with that and leave me out of it. I need to talk to her again but I have a feeling like talking to her nicely wont help. I have to snap her out of that. whatever it is. In some ways she's acting so mature and in others... well that.
Lately I haven't been posting much because there's not much going on around me. There is a lot going on in my head but I don't even know how to think about it let alone talk (or write) x) There's nothing wrong. It's just stuff about my future I should already have figured out but right now I'm to afraid of the future to think about it.
So this is complicated. I'll try to explain it. I think I tried to once before but I'm not sure if you understood. I'm not exactly sure how your school system works but here's how ours is: When we are 6 we go to school and are in the same school until we are 14. Because every 14 year old child most definitely knows what they want to be for the rest of their life (or not!) they make us choose different schools (I think it's kind of like High school) Some are neutral but you have to have really good grades to get excepted to those. And then there are the ones that specify in certain jobs. I wanted to go to the one where I could be a kindergarten teacher but I wasn't the best student back then and my average grade was 3 (I think that's a C at your place) so I wasn't excepted. So I wen't to the ''school for design'' (or that's the closest translation to it haha). And that's most definitely not what I want to do in my life. I mean I like to do stuff like that but not when someone tells me to and definitely not HOW someone tells me to. I was always in a fight with my teacher for design because she wanted me to make stuff like she pictured them and I made them the way I wanted them to be like. I'm done with that school too. I have papers I made all 4 years of that school but for them to actually mean something I have to pass 4 more exams. They're like final exams. We call them ''matura'' but when I put ''matura'' to google translate it translates to ''Baccalaureate'' and I have never heard of that word so I doubt it's the right translation haha. So when I pass those 4 exams I can go to college but I only can apply to very few colleges and all of them are in an ''artsy'' way. So I decided to take one extra exam and then I can apply to few colleges more. If I want to get accepted to the college I'd like to go to the exam has to be psychology or sociology. I choose psychology. but I only had one year of it in ''high school'' + we didn't do ANYTHING at that class. We actually complained to the teacher that we don't learn anything. She was always just showing us those weird videos. once she made us watch how ham is made + 2 girls from our class were vegetarians. And the exam is made for the ''neutral'' schools that have 4 years of psychology. So I have to learn everything they learned in 4 years in school on my own in few months . And I have no motivation to study. I'm kind of mad at people at the hospital that told me last year not to go. I had way more motivation beck then then I do now + I needed a distraction from what was going on around me. And they just kept insisting I take the exams this year. I have 2 exams in February and 3 in June. When I'm done with cancer treatments and I finally start to feel better I need to get a job and start saving up. I'm gonna need the money to move and start my life again. I really want to move as soon as I get better but I know it's impossible. I have to have something saved up first. I'm just afraid I wont be able to get beck to work as soon as I think (hope) I will
2nd Social Life
I miss Mia. like.. the real her. She's changed so much I don't even know her any more. I's not that she'd change to worse. She just changed. And actually I don't even feel like we're friends any more. we're simply hanging out because we're used to it. I'm getting really annoyed when people see me and right away ask how or where she is. And actually I have a feeling like every good friendship in our group of friends is having a rough time. Why do people change so much? It just makes me want to stay home and not talk to anyone at all. Yesterday I went out with few of my friends and I said I was going to go because I thought it will be good if I go outside for a bit. But I actually cried in the bathroom before I went because I didn't feel like going. But I went anyway because I really hate it when people call of things at the last minute so I don't like to do it either. A lot of people right now have birthdays and I really don't feel like going to their parties. But I'd be a really bad friend if I wouldn't go.
3rd My Style
I don't even have a style anymore. I used to like all the black and dark things and they made me happy. but I don't even try to dress good anymore. I just put on what ever's the first thing in my closed. But I think that's because I have nothing to dress up for. I used to look forward to things and I just don't anymore. I used to dress up for me. So I'd feel good. But I just feel like shit. I haven't used makeup in so long it's probably all dried out by now.
For past few days I feel like shit. I cant sleep because I cant stop crying at night and when I finally almost fall a sleep I wake up because I suddenly can't breathe properly. I still don't feel like going out with anyone and Mia knows something's wrong. I think I know why I feel like that but there's really not much I can do about it. She wants me to get help or start talking to my friends about what's wrong. I told her that I tried to talk to 3 different "therapists" (one a few years ago and 2 in the hospital) but it didn't work with either of them. And that I can't talk to them because there's always about 10 people when we go out and I don't feel like having a whole class listening to how I feel. She said that that's not true. That there's not so many people every time we go out. And I guess she's right... But I still don't know why I can't talk to her. She tells me EVERYTHING. Even stuff I don't actually want to know x) but somehow I can't talk to her (or anyone else) about anything. But if she really wants to know.. Maybe I could write it down.. But even if I do I'm not sure I'll send it to her...
Why don't I feel fine? I think I'm kind of afraid of what's next. My life has been on pause for past year (since I got cancer) but I feel like the world was on fast forward. And now that my therapies are almost done I have to catch up to it. I'm 20 years old and I planed to be livin on my own by now. I was supposed to move last year. I had it all planed out. And now everything is changed and I'm not even used to taking care of myself anymore. I still plan to move as soon as I can but I have no idea how to do it. By moving away I feel like I'm betraying everyone that helped me this year. At the same time I feel like everyone's forgetting it's not over yet. When it all started everyone was the most supportive and now sometimes they forget I still can't do some stuff and I even feel worse then I did at the beginning. My body is exhausted and my leg hurts real bad from the radiation therapy. At the beginning they didn't let me do stuff that I knew I could do if they'd let me like go for a walk and now that I actually can't do them they sometimes expect me to. I don't want to go out that much because I feel like I'm holding my friends back from doing stuff and when they do stuff I cant I feel left out. My friendship with Mia's changed a lot and I miss the old her. But I can't hold that against her. She's changed because the life's been tough on her and she needed to grow up. I know she still looks at me as her best friend but to tell you the truth I can't say the same thing. I mean from all of my friends she still is on the top of my "list" but the feeling is just not the same. Actually all my friends seem to be starting their "grown up lives" and I'm.. Well as I said... I'm behind. And there's also my daydreams. I feel like I'm loosing them. It's probably because I used to go in to the "day dream world" when I was alone, listening to the music and walking/running. But I can't go for a walk anymore and I'm starting to "loose touch" with my characters. I sometimes zone out of conversations (actually that's starting to happen more and more) but that's not good because then I have no idea what people are talking about so I try not to do that. And sometimes I just zone out but it's never for more then a minute because someone notices it and stets to ask if I'm okay or tries to start a conversation with me.
So I feel a bit better. There's not much to say actually. I kind of ignore everything that's wrong and it's working for now. I need it to work until the end of chemo therapy. When I'm done with it I'll see how everything turns out. until then I can't do anything about it so I hope ignoring it will work for a while. I still can't sleep but at least I'm not crying all night. I just lay in bed. I did start to go out with my friends again. We're going to the movies tomorrow. I hope they'll let us in though x) It's 18+ and I'm taking my brother with me (he's 15). +2 others are 17. So 3 of us are of age and 3 are not. Let's hope they wont notice :P
Now for a change the title actually does matches with what I'm about to write haha Just so you know.. You don't have to answer anything on this I'm only writing because I can't sleep and I'm hoping it may help me get more tired. And I'm also bored and full of energy. And it's 2 at night. Aand I can already see myself tomorrow complaining the whole day how I again couldn't sleep tonight. I Couldn't fall asleep yesterday until 5 in the morning.
Ok so I had no freaking idea you guys capitalize every first letter of every word in the title. I feel so dumb I never even noticed it when you did it x) We only capitalize the first letter of first word and the names. Just like in a regular sentence. Today I had my first 2 hours of English lessons for the tests I've been talking about. My ex classmates saved my but because when they finished with it last year they all gave me their notes. So now I don't really have that much work with English as I would have. So since I can't go to school I have different teachers now (the hospital teachers) and today I met my English teacher. It was the most awkward meeting ever. We started off talking in Slovene and then all of a sudden she started talking English. I'm not used to teachers talking English because usually most of my classmates wouldn't be able to follow. But she just started like '"well so let's start. Introduce yourself in English." And I just froze. The only words I could get out of myself were "My name is Lara" it wasn't that I wouldn't know how to say it in English but I just didn't know what to tell her. Like... What does she care who I am? I started at her for few seconds and the I said something like " I don't know what to tell you" and then she started to ask me questions about my family and siblings and I started to feel really uncomfortable talking about it. So that kind of made me want to change the subject so I started talking about the guitar and sky. And I think I did a pretty good job talking about that because later she told me I have to write about something and have to fill up 2 pages and she just went like... "But I don't think that's gonna be a problem for you". Haha it made me start to think that maybe I should talk a little less x). So yeah.. At the end of the lessons it wasn't so awkward anymore. I'm actually quite looking forward to next time :3
Yupp.. my titles are getting better and better.
so.. I've been feeling kind of lonely for past few days. I know it's all my fault. but I don't feel like trying to change that. As you know I haven't been on my best turns with Maya, Mia's on vacation with her boyriend and I don't feel like going out with anyone else. Actually I doubt I'd want to go out with them either. I feel like I want to be alone but I feel lonely when I am alone. I just use the excuse that I still don't feel fine enough from chemo therapy and promice everyone that tries to contect me that I'll call them when I feel better. everything is getting on my nerves and I'm about to start crying or smash the computer (or both) because my computer broke down and I'm on my dad's old computer and nothing works as it should. Not even the keyboard so sorry if any letters are missing. I have to smash on every letter if I want it to work. And I think I finaly have to admit that I really really don't like Mia's boyriend.. well.. not that it's been a seecret ountil now but ountil now I just always told him that I think he's a nice guy with a different style of ''living'' then mine and that I don't mind him but he can't expect for us to exactly become best friends. But he's really starting to get on my nerves. At first I thought it was only because I was jelous because Mia was spending so much time with him or something. So I tried to be a ''good friend'' and not act on it. But I did try to figure out how I could make me like him more so we could hang out together. (now usually when Mia asked me to join them I said no. but I know it was heard on Mia because then she had to separate time between us - time that she doesen't have) but trying to figure that out made me like him even less. At the start I didn't like him only because of the way he was dealing with emotions. He's really oppen minded about it. I'm not used to it and I dont like it on the way he does it. He makes drama about EVERYTHING. And even though Mia always said she hates drama she seems to like it. So I left it alone. But now I've been noticing how everyone's energy changes when he walks in the room and how he tries to inluance everyone with his psychology games. and how he acts like a 5 year old when he's stubern or trying to get something (like a point or something). And just thinking about it makes me irritated so I'm gonna stop now :3
So my and Mia's moms are twins and they have a birthday in 2 weeks. So Mia and I wanted to get them similar gifts but we couldn't think of anything they'd both like.
So we decided to do the opposite and get them a big box with different gifts in it for both of them and they'll have to guess which gift is for who and for every wrong guess they'll have to drink something. My mom collects marks from different countries but her albums are out of room so we'll get her a new album and Mia's mom likes to paint so we'll get her stuff to paint. And when they were little they collected napkins so I asked our grandma if she can give it to us and she did so I'll make something out of them. But I don't have any idea what to make. Do you have any?
You know how I was trying to learn how to play the guitar.. I was doing it totally wrong. I didn't know it's different for acoustic and classical. I have a classical guitar and I was watching videos about acoustic guitar -.-'
Tonight I had like the weirdest dreams. I dreamed that you came to Slovenia with your parents (your sister was sent there) and your parents were really nice. I was with you guys and we went to the store. You told me before that you had trouble sleeping because you had nightmares again. And in the store I saw a dream catcher and I decided to buy it for you. It was orange and like... A medium size. (It looked the same as the one Lisa gave me few years ago when I couldn't sleep because I had nightmares. just that the one Lisa gave me was a bit smaller) but when I was going to give you the dream catcher you all of a sudden weren't you anymore. You we're Audrey. I mean you looked like her, you acted like her, you we're thinking like her but you were you. I was confused so I started to ask you questions about stuff Audrey doesn't know that you do and you/her knew all the answers. I was thinking about sending you a message on Facebook to see if you'd respond and if you-looking as Audrey would know anything about that. But I woke up before I could do that.
So here's a piture of sky's cage. Sorry for the mess x) she just dosnt like to have it clean. she only needs like an hour ater I clean it up to get it back as it was haha
Remember that rats can squize through anything their head fits in. That's why I put that green thingy over the original cage. And they like to climb so it's better to have higher cage.
+sky really likes eggs and soya milk. Try it out on RC :)
''Don't be afraid of the future.''
''change the path your life will follow''
''I have found so much beauty in the dark as I have found a lot of horror in the light''
Be strong now, because things will get better. It might be stormy now, but it can't rain forever.