Lately I haven't been posting much because there's not much going on around me. There is a lot going on in my head but I don't even know how to think about it let alone talk (or write) x) There's nothing wrong. It's just stuff about my future I should already have figured out but right now I'm to afraid of the future to think about it.
So this is complicated. I'll try to explain it. I think I tried to once before but I'm not sure if you understood. I'm not exactly sure how your school system works but here's how ours is: When we are 6 we go to school and are in the same school until we are 14. Because every 14 year old child most definitely knows what they want to be for the rest of their life (or not!) they make us choose different schools (I think it's kind of like High school) Some are neutral but you have to have really good grades to get excepted to those. And then there are the ones that specify in certain jobs. I wanted to go to the one where I could be a kindergarten teacher but I wasn't the best student back then and my average grade was 3 (I think that's a C at your place) so I wasn't excepted. So I wen't to the ''school for design'' (or that's the closest translation to it haha). And that's most definitely not what I want to do in my life. I mean I like to do stuff like that but not when someone tells me to and definitely not HOW someone tells me to. I was always in a fight with my teacher for design because she wanted me to make stuff like she pictured them and I made them the way I wanted them to be like. I'm done with that school too. I have papers I made all 4 years of that school but for them to actually mean something I have to pass 4 more exams. They're like final exams. We call them ''matura'' but when I put ''matura'' to google translate it translates to ''Baccalaureate'' and I have never heard of that word so I doubt it's the right translation haha. So when I pass those 4 exams I can go to college but I only can apply to very few colleges and all of them are in an ''artsy'' way. So I decided to take one extra exam and then I can apply to few colleges more. If I want to get accepted to the college I'd like to go to the exam has to be psychology or sociology. I choose psychology. but I only had one year of it in ''high school'' + we didn't do ANYTHING at that class. We actually complained to the teacher that we don't learn anything. She was always just showing us those weird videos. once she made us watch how ham is made + 2 girls from our class were vegetarians. And the exam is made for the ''neutral'' schools that have 4 years of psychology. So I have to learn everything they learned in 4 years in school on my own in few months . And I have no motivation to study. I'm kind of mad at people at the hospital that told me last year not to go. I had way more motivation beck then then I do now + I needed a distraction from what was going on around me. And they just kept insisting I take the exams this year. I have 2 exams in February and 3 in June. When I'm done with cancer treatments and I finally start to feel better I need to get a job and start saving up. I'm gonna need the money to move and start my life again. I really want to move as soon as I get better but I know it's impossible. I have to have something saved up first. I'm just afraid I wont be able to get beck to work as soon as I think (hope) I will
2nd Social Life
I miss Mia. like.. the real her. She's changed so much I don't even know her any more. I's not that she'd change to worse. She just changed. And actually I don't even feel like we're friends any more. we're simply hanging out because we're used to it. I'm getting really annoyed when people see me and right away ask how or where she is. And actually I have a feeling like every good friendship in our group of friends is having a rough time. Why do people change so much? It just makes me want to stay home and not talk to anyone at all. Yesterday I went out with few of my friends and I said I was going to go because I thought it will be good if I go outside for a bit. But I actually cried in the bathroom before I went because I didn't feel like going. But I went anyway because I really hate it when people call of things at the last minute so I don't like to do it either. A lot of people right now have birthdays and I really don't feel like going to their parties. But I'd be a really bad friend if I wouldn't go.
3rd My Style
I don't even have a style anymore. I used to like all the black and dark things and they made me happy. but I don't even try to dress good anymore. I just put on what ever's the first thing in my closed. But I think that's because I have nothing to dress up for. I used to look forward to things and I just don't anymore. I used to dress up for me. So I'd feel good. But I just feel like shit. I haven't used makeup in so long it's probably all dried out by now.
''Don't be afraid of the future.''
''change the path your life will follow''
''I have found so much beauty in the dark as I have found a lot of horror in the light''
Be strong now, because things will get better. It might be stormy now, but it can't rain forever.