Actually I really don't know what to talk about. I can talk about my friends, but I'm really tired of that. I could talk about me but there's nothing to talk about. I'm afraid of what's coming next but I told you that a 1000 times so you're probably tired of hearing it. 1.12.2016 is the start of my last chemo therapy. 2.1.2017 is when they make the examination if cancer is actually gone. What if it's not? I can not go through this again and also at the same time I went through hell this year and if I'd give up then it'd all be for nothing. I'm trying to pretend like I'm 100% sure everything is gonna be fine. I'm doing this a bit for others but mostly for myself. I'm not doing it on purpose but I guess it's a way of me convincing myself it's gonna be ok. Today I watched an episode of the series ''Scorpion'' and the main character's sister was in a hospital dying. And I started thinking about who is even still alive. In the hospital there are rooms that can have 2 patients in them. So throughout the treatment I have met a lot of other kids and teenagers with cancer. I started thinking about how many actually survived. They never tell us there if something bad happens. Just like with that girl Ana. if her parent's wouldn't have told me what happened to her I wouldn't know. I started to remember all the ''roommates'' I had and a few came to my mind that were supposed to continue their treatment for quite some time but I never saw them again. I really hope our treatment dates just never added up again. And for the ones that got rushed over to intensive care.. the girl in Scorpion had her own room and it was decorated and filled with her stuff. they never do that here. Intensive care looks.. well like a prison almost. Nothing that would remind you of home. And if they died in there... well.. I can't even imagine how that must have been for them and I've almost died 3 times in past half a year. But almost dying and dying is totally different. So yeah.. I'm trying to act like it's all gonna be ok. I'm always making plans. Mostly with Mia. But as I said our relationship has been weird lately + she always makes plans and want's to make them true but the first bump she hits she gives up. Now we're talking about going to a concert in Italy. Pretty reckless are coming to the Italy and we both want to go so we made plans and everything. But it's in February so I'm 99% sure she's gonna find some excuse by then so the plamđn will fall apart. I haven't heard from Maya in a week. I heard she's not talking to anyone. Idk what she's playing but I've reached my limit. I know she's not feeling her best but I tried to help her as I could. If she's gonna reach out to me she knows how to. I haven't heard from Tiana much ether but I'm not surprised about that. And for Nia.. she's out of the picture for some time too. Once I was out with Mia and she wanted me to text Nia if she'd join us so I did and Nia said she doesn't want to because she doesn't want to deal with Mia. I asked her if she talked to mia about whatever is going on and she said that she didn't and.. ugh.. I don't remember exactly what happened but I know she betrayed Mia pretty bad and it was just because she was at the time with a person that didn't like Mia. And of she was with the right person I don't doubt she'd do the same to me. well as people would say she turns as the wind blows. And I can't trust her. And as for Mia.. our relationship is really complicated. We know each other perfectly and I think we're only using this. Like.. not on a good way. Just to annoy each other. She broke up with her boyfriend but no one knows that the same second she told me she didn't tell anyone about that I knew that she's planning to get back together with him. She's constantly asking me if Nia texted me or if I heard from her like she'd want to go out with her to see what happened when she totally turned her back on her (I can tell you what would happen if they'd try to talk about it. Nia would find a cover up story, Mia wouldn't believe her but would end up forgiving her) but when Nia actually did text Mia if she's up for coffee she didn't want to go. So the point is that I have a feeling like Mia lost all of her self esteem. It's like she can't be alone. She needs to have someone even if she knows they're not actually her friends/ about her boyfriend.. they are destroying each other and she just can not let him go. That kind of makes me wonder why she's even hanging out with me. Half a year ago I was sure it was because we were great friends but now I think it's simply because she as noone else. and I kind of feel like I have to be there for her now because she was there for me literally every step through my treatment. She even went to the doctors with me. like in their ordinations. But other than history and style we have nothing in common. She's always asking me to go to the discos with her and to music concerts with the kind of music that I hate (and she knows I hate it) And she wants me to go to different denses and activities that I can not go because of my leg. And then I find something we'd both like- neither one of us would love it but we could both tolerate it - and she finds a bunch of excuses. So I feel guilty for not wanting to go to events that she likes but she doesn't even try to meet me half way. So litulary we have no common interest in anything.
We were talking about celebrating a new year together but since noone is talking to anyone I made other plans. I have no intention in waiting for them to decide if I'm good enough to spend time with them. I made plans with Lisa, Audrey, Lucy and 3 other guys and I think it's gonna be way better then spending the new year with the other Maya and those. If I'd be with Maya, Nia.... We'd probably hire a place, there'd be like 12 or 20 of us and everyone would get drunk even though they'd all be saying before that no one will. They'd all want me to drink because I'd be off of chemotherapy by then but I probably wouldn't feel like it so I'd just get annoyed. And then I'd go to bed but half of the people would be a sleep already anyways because they'd get too drunk before so the'd be halfish past out. With Lisa and those we'll probably make a dinner and then go to the beach (if I can get us a place at the sea side) and then find some chill party there and maybe drink a beer or 2. or maybe a glass of wine instead of the beer. And I think (hope) we'll have a nice evening. (If I don't get cranky like I did the last time haha)
Ow and I have a question. What do you know and think about polygamous relationships?
''Don't be afraid of the future.''
''change the path your life will follow''
''I have found so much beauty in the dark as I have found a lot of horror in the light''
Be strong now, because things will get better. It might be stormy now, but it can't rain forever.