Ok so I kind o have a problem with my English right now. I'm not sure if you noticed before but I took me like a 100 years to reply on facebook. I don't know how to speak anymore haha x) So.. my English teacher is about to have a baby so now I have a new teacher. She's really nice but she's young. She can't be more then 26 so she probably just finished her college. And she kind of unintentionally made me feel like I suck at English. So when I was writing to you about the tattoo I was fine but when we started to talk about it and we were both on facebook at the same time I felt like I wrote every reaking thing wrong. So I probably rewrote everything at least 3 times so in the end it probably was wrong haha This simply has to pass. I have a shoot at getting a really good job as an english teacher for preschoolers. - like.. not for always. just until I start with college. but still.. It's payed really well and I'd actually enjoy at that job. But if I start to speak like a preschooler old I cant teach preschoolers x) Well.. basically this was just to let you know why I ''speak'' so weird haha
Actually I really don't know what to talk about. I can talk about my friends, but I'm really tired of that. I could talk about me but there's nothing to talk about. I'm afraid of what's coming next but I told you that a 1000 times so you're probably tired of hearing it. 1.12.2016 is the start of my last chemo therapy. 2.1.2017 is when they make the examination if cancer is actually gone. What if it's not? I can not go through this again and also at the same time I went through hell this year and if I'd give up then it'd all be for nothing. I'm trying to pretend like I'm 100% sure everything is gonna be fine. I'm doing this a bit for others but mostly for myself. I'm not doing it on purpose but I guess it's a way of me convincing myself it's gonna be ok. Today I watched an episode of the series ''Scorpion'' and the main character's sister was in a hospital dying. And I started thinking about who is even still alive. In the hospital there are rooms that can have 2 patients in them. So throughout the treatment I have met a lot of other kids and teenagers with cancer. I started thinking about how many actually survived. They never tell us there if something bad happens. Just like with that girl Ana. if her parent's wouldn't have told me what happened to her I wouldn't know. I started to remember all the ''roommates'' I had and a few came to my mind that were supposed to continue their treatment for quite some time but I never saw them again. I really hope our treatment dates just never added up again. And for the ones that got rushed over to intensive care.. the girl in Scorpion had her own room and it was decorated and filled with her stuff. they never do that here. Intensive care looks.. well like a prison almost. Nothing that would remind you of home. And if they died in there... well.. I can't even imagine how that must have been for them and I've almost died 3 times in past half a year. But almost dying and dying is totally different. So yeah.. I'm trying to act like it's all gonna be ok. I'm always making plans. Mostly with Mia. But as I said our relationship has been weird lately + she always makes plans and want's to make them true but the first bump she hits she gives up. Now we're talking about going to a concert in Italy. Pretty reckless are coming to the Italy and we both want to go so we made plans and everything. But it's in February so I'm 99% sure she's gonna find some excuse by then so the plamđn will fall apart. I haven't heard from Maya in a week. I heard she's not talking to anyone. Idk what she's playing but I've reached my limit. I know she's not feeling her best but I tried to help her as I could. If she's gonna reach out to me she knows how to. I haven't heard from Tiana much ether but I'm not surprised about that. And for Nia.. she's out of the picture for some time too. Once I was out with Mia and she wanted me to text Nia if she'd join us so I did and Nia said she doesn't want to because she doesn't want to deal with Mia. I asked her if she talked to mia about whatever is going on and she said that she didn't and.. ugh.. I don't remember exactly what happened but I know she betrayed Mia pretty bad and it was just because she was at the time with a person that didn't like Mia. And of she was with the right person I don't doubt she'd do the same to me. well as people would say she turns as the wind blows. And I can't trust her. And as for Mia.. our relationship is really complicated. We know each other perfectly and I think we're only using this. Like.. not on a good way. Just to annoy each other. She broke up with her boyfriend but no one knows that the same second she told me she didn't tell anyone about that I knew that she's planning to get back together with him. She's constantly asking me if Nia texted me or if I heard from her like she'd want to go out with her to see what happened when she totally turned her back on her (I can tell you what would happen if they'd try to talk about it. Nia would find a cover up story, Mia wouldn't believe her but would end up forgiving her) but when Nia actually did text Mia if she's up for coffee she didn't want to go. So the point is that I have a feeling like Mia lost all of her self esteem. It's like she can't be alone. She needs to have someone even if she knows they're not actually her friends/ about her boyfriend.. they are destroying each other and she just can not let him go. That kind of makes me wonder why she's even hanging out with me. Half a year ago I was sure it was because we were great friends but now I think it's simply because she as noone else. and I kind of feel like I have to be there for her now because she was there for me literally every step through my treatment. She even went to the doctors with me. like in their ordinations. But other than history and style we have nothing in common. She's always asking me to go to the discos with her and to music concerts with the kind of music that I hate (and she knows I hate it) And she wants me to go to different denses and activities that I can not go because of my leg. And then I find something we'd both like- neither one of us would love it but we could both tolerate it - and she finds a bunch of excuses. So I feel guilty for not wanting to go to events that she likes but she doesn't even try to meet me half way. So litulary we have no common interest in anything.
We were talking about celebrating a new year together but since noone is talking to anyone I made other plans. I have no intention in waiting for them to decide if I'm good enough to spend time with them. I made plans with Lisa, Audrey, Lucy and 3 other guys and I think it's gonna be way better then spending the new year with the other Maya and those. If I'd be with Maya, Nia.... We'd probably hire a place, there'd be like 12 or 20 of us and everyone would get drunk even though they'd all be saying before that no one will. They'd all want me to drink because I'd be off of chemotherapy by then but I probably wouldn't feel like it so I'd just get annoyed. And then I'd go to bed but half of the people would be a sleep already anyways because they'd get too drunk before so the'd be halfish past out. With Lisa and those we'll probably make a dinner and then go to the beach (if I can get us a place at the sea side) and then find some chill party there and maybe drink a beer or 2. or maybe a glass of wine instead of the beer. And I think (hope) we'll have a nice evening. (If I don't get cranky like I did the last time haha)
Ow and I have a question. What do you know and think about polygamous relationships?
As you know I'm at the sea side. I feel like a totally different person here. I love to walk by the sea, I love the climate I love that I can be alone. I'm calmer here and have more will to live. It's beautiful. I'll post some pictures when I get some.
Here I have time to think without anyone asking me what's wrong. I started to work on school things. I have to do a paper for psychology. It's a research paper. I have a 100 pages of titles and I had to choose one title to write about. I picked a few titles but I think I'm gonna be writing about dreams. I want to write about MD. but I'm not sure which title to pick. I have to pick the right title to be able to connect regular dreams with MD. here are the titles:
Dnevno sanjarjenje - primerjava med spoloma --> Day dreaming - comparison between genders
I sent an e-mail to my professor if I have to use the whole title or if I can write only about a part of it. I like the Day dreaming. It would be easy to connect to MD. But I have no interest in comparison between genders part.
Nič ni boljšega kot naše sanje --> Nothing is better then our dreams
Sanje in njihov vpliv na človeka --> Dreams and it's influence on the person.
I came here 2 days ago with 4 friends. Lucy, Lisa, Audrey and.. let's call him Jack. They left yesterday because they had to go to college today. But I'm so used to spending time with Maya and those guys that everything they did made me mad. I was irritated the whole time they were here. When we were on our way here no one helped with the road. Lucy was driving but she didn't know the road, it was dark and raining. I was telling her where to go but Audrey and Jack were so loud she barely heard me when I told her where to go. And Lisa was trying to get my attention to talk about random stuff. When we were almost at my place we had to go to the super market to get some things to eat and drink. I asked them to which supermarket they want to go and at first no one responded. They all kept talking about random stuff that we could talk about later. now we had to decide where to go so I could tell Lucy which road she should turn to. So I started to talk really loud and with annoyed voice. and they all responded at the same time and the all wanted a different thing. No one listened to anyone but themselves. That's when I lost it and just yelled at them all to shut the fuck up. And then I felt like I was in kindergarten because I had to call one by one and tell them to tell me where they want to go. That's when I first thought about how I miss my other friends because I knew that if I was with them right now I'd be perfectly calm and we'd be taking terns on who would be talking. we wouldn't scream one over the other. when we arrived at my place they all threw what they were carrying, set down and started talking one over the other again. I couldn't leave things laying around so I started carrying them in the kitchen. I wasn't even done and they all wanted something and again they all talked at the same time about different stuff. I guess it was because they didn't actually want to go through my stuff. If someone needed something I told them where it is and to get it. But they all called me anyway because they didn't find it. If I was with other friends they wouldn't hesitate to turn my closed upside down and they'd find it themselves. I know it's not something everyone would do but that's what I'm used to and I got irritated because they were acting differently. I don't think they were doing anything wrong. They were just doing it differently. That's why I said it's not good I'm so attached to Mia, Maya and everyone from there. I don't know how to behave with others. And I was thinking.. You said if you told your friends about me they'd ask questions. And mine didn't. then I thought what would happen if I told Lisa, Lucy and Audrey about you. And I think they'd ask questions too. I thought about what's different. It has everything to do with how the relationship is built. With Mia, Maya, Tiana, Nia and everyone from there it's that we hang out all the time. we know each others routines and we think alike. But we never bud in each other private lives if they don't start to talk about it themselves. If I'd start telling them who you are and stuff about you they'd listen and start to ask questions. But I just told them I know you because it went with what we were talking about and it wasn't really personal. It was just a talk about a bunny. So they didn't ask questions about you. But with Lucy, Lisa and Audrey it's different. Our relationship is more personal. we don't see each other so often but when we do it's all about personal stuff. well.. they talk I usually just listen. But I don't think they noticed that. So they wouldn't hesitate to ask me personal questions. with them a talk about bunny would fast turn into a talk about how can I even be sure you're who you say you are. I wouldn't start explaining that. or anything like that. But I know they'd ask.
there's so many stuff happening but I don't know how to explain half of them. So let's start with the last post. In last post I said I feel betrayed. I figured out why. so.. for past year and a half everything I did Mia was there with me. But for past few months she hasn't been. And also whenever we did go anywhere she started to talk about how everyone's doing something wrong.. like something to hurt me or her. so I started to doubt everyone + my best friend was gone. Today we had a big fight and I actually thought that this was it and that we're not gonna be friends anymore. She started to go on how I hang out with Maya and Tiana now and then she started to tell me how they did things that hurt her (things that I found totally lame btw..) but I told her that what they do is not my business and then she started to talk about how I told her to brake up with her boyfriend. But I never did that. I told her I never did that and that I did my best to start to like him. I never told her to brake up with him but I did say I would if I were her. that's my opinion. And I did probably tell her to brake up with him as a joke. I always say stuff like that to everyone when something stupid happens.. like if one person in the relationship brakes something and the other one is mad I'd say ''you should totally brake up with him/her'' so they'd see how dumb the argument is. But I never would tell anyone to brake up with someone because it is not my business who they're dating and I sure as hell don't want to be responsible for anyone's breakup. Then she started to go on about my health and how I don't take care of myself as I should and that she doesn't want to watch me ruin myself. I told her we see my health from 2 totally different perspectives. and I asked her if I go to the doctor and ask him if it's OK if I do stuff she thinks are wrong and she said it wont help. So that's where I almost gave up and just thought she doesn't even want to fix out problem. So I wrote her that I can see she doesn't really care for our friendship. She responded that if she wouldn't care she wouldn't be telling me all this. She'd just stop talking to me. so I asked her if she can come up with any solution to save our friendship and she just said we should get high and talk about it. after more then an hour of fighting that sounded like the best solution for now so I agreed. I'm going to her house on Friday and I'm going to sleep over so we can see if there's anything we can do to fix our friendship.
As I told you Maya and Tiana had a birthday party last weekend. I had an awesome time.But the best part is that I met Maya's schoolmate. He's not exactly the nicest person you can meet. he can be really rude. But he kind of reminded me how strong I can actually be and it made me even stronger. He admired how confidante I am (..well.. look ahah) even though I have cancer and have no hair and everything. He told me he knew a guy who got cancer and killed himself in the middle of the treatment. But I think what made it so special is that he didn't really care if he offended anyone. but he was really careful about what he said to me. And he got me to promise that when I'm done with therapies we'll go celebrate together. And his best friend and girlfriend are awesome too so I cant wait to go out with them again :3 he kind of filled me with positive energy.
yesterday was Halloween. I went to the capital with Maya and Tiana. They both got drunk af. Tiana told me she's still in love with Maya and some other stuff. And how she'd end up alone without Maya. there wasn't much I could say to her because she had a point. They have same friends and they even live in the same street. I told her she has many friends in school but she said they're always quiet. so yeah.. that's basically what got me thinking about what I wrote to you yesterday. But before they got so drunk we had a great time. I even saw a friend I didn't see in a long long time. I sent him a text that I'm in Ljubljana and if he want's to join us and first he said he cant because he's still at work and then he said if I could tell him who I am because he has new pone and doesn't have my number in it. And when I told him it's me he said he'll come after he finishes with work. It was nice to see him after a long time. but he had to leave because he had to go to work in the morning. he left at about 2 at night and like 15 minutes after that Tiana got so drunk she didn't know where she was and half an hour after that Maya got drunk too. So it's a good thing you don't drink that much haha. it's way more fun if you know how to walk and don't throw up every half an hour haha x)
next weekend Lucy and Audrey are throwing a mini party for their birthdays. They're throwing it at my place at the sea side so this should be interesting.. there'll be 9 people in a mini ''house'' for max 6 people. I have no idea how we're going to sleep. so wish me luck haha
I think that's all I had to say.. I feel like I'm forgetting something but I cant remember what. well if I remember I'll update it later.
This is probably gonna be short. I have no idea what to write because I have no idea how I feel. I just know something is wrong. I feel betrayed by all my friends even though no one did anything to make me feel like that. I'm trying to find reasons for feeling like that. But I just come up with weird stuff that probably isn't even true. I'm tired of everything and everyone. I don't want to end my life but I do want to just stop existing. Just on a way that everything I did in the past would stay. And people would know who I was. but no one would be sad because I'm gone.
Ow.. and my confidence has gone to shit. No idea why. I mean I had a bunch of reasons to loose my confidence (like loosing hair, getting all the scars...) but I was fine until now. and now, it's not just about my appearance but about every-freaking-thing.
Yes. the awesome titles are back haha
I'm getting so tired of staying strong for others. As you know I'm not the most open kind of person. But whenever I do talk to people about how I feel and try asking for their help with my emotional state it never works anyway. At the end I'm always the one who has to ''stay strong'' for others. Logic of everyone around me is that ''staying strong'' for me means keeping secrets from me. But that only makes me more worried because I don't know what's happening. I can easily see when something's wrong with my friends or family and when I ask what's wrong they just say everything's ok because they think they're helping me by not making me worried. So if I don't want them to keep secrets from me they have to think everything's ok. And if I want everyone to think everything's ok I can't tell anyone how I actually feel. ok I explained that really really bad but I hope you get it. If you don't I'll try again just say it :3 So the point is.. Mia doesn't want to talk to Maya and Maya is trying not to talk too much to Tiana. Again I'm caught in the middle and acting like everything's fine. If I wouldn't be acting like everything's fine it'd all fall apart. Maya'd start talking to Tiana normally again. Tiana is just starting to understand what's going on. (*just so you know. Maya and tiana are still talking and everything. They're just not talking as much. It's so Tiana can move on.*) Mia and Maya'd start talking and Mia doesn't have her temper under control yet (she's trying though. that's why she's staying away from Maya for some time) so if they did start talking they'd start fighting again and Mia would get back to her bad temper.
I really want a tattoo. I have a lot of scars on both of my legs and I want to somehow connect them to the tattoos. On my right leg I have a bigger scar and I want to get that https://www.pinterest.com/pin/240661173813522030/ tattood in so it'd look like it's cutting my leg. I'll put in a picture of it. but it's not healed totally yet.
and on left leg I have more small ones and I dont know what I'll do there yet. but first I want to get that (the upper one) https://66.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lswpuyTIdh1qf1wmoo1_500.jpg tattood around my arm. I can just say it's because I never want to stop dreaming or forget my dreams. It's true but I doubt anyone will know what kind of dreams I'm talking about x) well.. you probably know x)
It's happening here too haha. you know how I was saying I'd probably hide under the bed if they'd be doing it here. Well.. it happened yesterday right in front of my block. A clown with a chainsaw scared a 10 year old boy . He didn't hurt him though. I told Tiana, Nia and Maya what happened and Tiana was like ''let's go hunt him down and beat the crap out of him'' knowing her she'd actually do it haha she knows karate and she's like really good at it. But I kind of doubt it's a good idea haha I have no idea what I'd do if I saw one but I don't want to know haha I usually have a knife in my purse but it's just because it comes in handy sometimes. If I'd panic enough I may actually use it on the clown. But I doubt that would happen. I'd probably freeze and then start to laugh or cry x) And when I told Mia about the clown she said ''don't worry. He's a psychopath so it's probably one of our friends'' haha she may actually be right x) some of our friends are crazy enough. But I really hope that they're smarten then that. To scare a 10 year old? He could actually hurt himself. like.. if he'd run home and jump in front of a car or something. how twisted do you have to be to find that fun?
So as you know I decided I need to talk to Mia. But because I couldn't do it I wrote it down. We started to talk about it but didn't have time to finish. You also know that we've been having some problems with Maya. So the day after I talked to Mia she decided it's time to talk to Maya. It kind of went fine but it was also a disaster. Maya now get's what's wrong and she's (hopefully) gonna try to do something about it. But Mia on the other hand.. I don't think she understands what exactly is going on and I don't know how to explain it to her because she doesn't listen. So here's what happened. We were in a caffee. Mia, Maya, Nia and I. Mia started to talk to Maya about how she's behaving and Maya listened. But the way Mia talked was wrong. She was half shouting and her ton was aggressive. I told her to change her tone but she said she doesn't know how to and she continued ''attacking'' her. And whenever I wanted to add something Mia just cut me off because she knew what I started to talk about and she continued talking about it. And then she said why I don't say anything. When I told her why she didn't listen to me anymore. Maya was quiet the whole time and Mia was telling her to talk and say something but all she could say was that she sees what Mia's talking about and will try to change it. Maya smokes and when she went outside to lite a cigarette I went with her and that was the only time we actually talked. I could see she knows something's not right but she had no idea what to do. So we set her a few little goals for starters and I think she's serious about them and is actually planning to reach them. One of them is not to talk to Tiana so much. She was confused on how to do that so we made a plan that she first has to get Tiana down from her ''favourite people'' list on her phone (the list the phone makes on it's own based on who you talk to the most). And a few things like that. But the point is I was talking calmly and she was talking back. so we actually made some progress. But when we went back inside to where Nia ans Mia were Mia started with the same ton and everything again and Maya was quiet again. So when we went home I was alone with Mia for like 2 minutes and she asked again why didn't I say anything to Maya. I told her I did and that every time I tried she cut me off. this time she was actually listening and she said she didn't even know she was doing it. So I told her to watch her ton and she said she doesn't know how to. I tried to help her but she stopped listening to me again. I mean she heard me but she wasn't really listening. And I know her since she was born. She didn't always talk like that. It's just for past year. I know a lot has changed in that year. But this is not OK. So the next day (yesterday) Maya texted me that Tiana texted me if I have some time for a coffee and I said yes. I don't know what got in to Mia again. They had some work to do around the house and she wanted Maya to go and help. Maya was tired from school and she started looking for excuses. Mia knew they were excuses and she called me and said she's annoyed because Maya's looking for excuses and that she should just say she doesn't want to help. I totally understood Maya because by the way Mia's acting towards her.. well I'd be afraid to tell her no too probably. And I told Mia what Maya was saying is actually true. It was true. But it was also true that she didn't want to go help. And then Mia just told me to cancel my plans with Maya. I was kind of shocked so I was speechless for like 2 seconds and then I told her I wont do that. She then said to only sent her SMS to cancel and then half an hour later text her again that I can come. I was just like.. wait.. what... I told her no again but I was so shocked she'd tell me to do something like that. I told her to stop with that and leave me out of it. I need to talk to her again but I have a feeling like talking to her nicely wont help. I have to snap her out of that. whatever it is. In some ways she's acting so mature and in others... well that.
Lately I haven't been posting much because there's not much going on around me. There is a lot going on in my head but I don't even know how to think about it let alone talk (or write) x) There's nothing wrong. It's just stuff about my future I should already have figured out but right now I'm to afraid of the future to think about it.
So this is complicated. I'll try to explain it. I think I tried to once before but I'm not sure if you understood. I'm not exactly sure how your school system works but here's how ours is: When we are 6 we go to school and are in the same school until we are 14. Because every 14 year old child most definitely knows what they want to be for the rest of their life (or not!) they make us choose different schools (I think it's kind of like High school) Some are neutral but you have to have really good grades to get excepted to those. And then there are the ones that specify in certain jobs. I wanted to go to the one where I could be a kindergarten teacher but I wasn't the best student back then and my average grade was 3 (I think that's a C at your place) so I wasn't excepted. So I wen't to the ''school for design'' (or that's the closest translation to it haha). And that's most definitely not what I want to do in my life. I mean I like to do stuff like that but not when someone tells me to and definitely not HOW someone tells me to. I was always in a fight with my teacher for design because she wanted me to make stuff like she pictured them and I made them the way I wanted them to be like. I'm done with that school too. I have papers I made all 4 years of that school but for them to actually mean something I have to pass 4 more exams. They're like final exams. We call them ''matura'' but when I put ''matura'' to google translate it translates to ''Baccalaureate'' and I have never heard of that word so I doubt it's the right translation haha. So when I pass those 4 exams I can go to college but I only can apply to very few colleges and all of them are in an ''artsy'' way. So I decided to take one extra exam and then I can apply to few colleges more. If I want to get accepted to the college I'd like to go to the exam has to be psychology or sociology. I choose psychology. but I only had one year of it in ''high school'' + we didn't do ANYTHING at that class. We actually complained to the teacher that we don't learn anything. She was always just showing us those weird videos. once she made us watch how ham is made + 2 girls from our class were vegetarians. And the exam is made for the ''neutral'' schools that have 4 years of psychology. So I have to learn everything they learned in 4 years in school on my own in few months . And I have no motivation to study. I'm kind of mad at people at the hospital that told me last year not to go. I had way more motivation beck then then I do now + I needed a distraction from what was going on around me. And they just kept insisting I take the exams this year. I have 2 exams in February and 3 in June. When I'm done with cancer treatments and I finally start to feel better I need to get a job and start saving up. I'm gonna need the money to move and start my life again. I really want to move as soon as I get better but I know it's impossible. I have to have something saved up first. I'm just afraid I wont be able to get beck to work as soon as I think (hope) I will
2nd Social Life
I miss Mia. like.. the real her. She's changed so much I don't even know her any more. I's not that she'd change to worse. She just changed. And actually I don't even feel like we're friends any more. we're simply hanging out because we're used to it. I'm getting really annoyed when people see me and right away ask how or where she is. And actually I have a feeling like every good friendship in our group of friends is having a rough time. Why do people change so much? It just makes me want to stay home and not talk to anyone at all. Yesterday I went out with few of my friends and I said I was going to go because I thought it will be good if I go outside for a bit. But I actually cried in the bathroom before I went because I didn't feel like going. But I went anyway because I really hate it when people call of things at the last minute so I don't like to do it either. A lot of people right now have birthdays and I really don't feel like going to their parties. But I'd be a really bad friend if I wouldn't go.
3rd My Style
I don't even have a style anymore. I used to like all the black and dark things and they made me happy. but I don't even try to dress good anymore. I just put on what ever's the first thing in my closed. But I think that's because I have nothing to dress up for. I used to look forward to things and I just don't anymore. I used to dress up for me. So I'd feel good. But I just feel like shit. I haven't used makeup in so long it's probably all dried out by now.
For past few days I feel like shit. I cant sleep because I cant stop crying at night and when I finally almost fall a sleep I wake up because I suddenly can't breathe properly. I still don't feel like going out with anyone and Mia knows something's wrong. I think I know why I feel like that but there's really not much I can do about it. She wants me to get help or start talking to my friends about what's wrong. I told her that I tried to talk to 3 different "therapists" (one a few years ago and 2 in the hospital) but it didn't work with either of them. And that I can't talk to them because there's always about 10 people when we go out and I don't feel like having a whole class listening to how I feel. She said that that's not true. That there's not so many people every time we go out. And I guess she's right... But I still don't know why I can't talk to her. She tells me EVERYTHING. Even stuff I don't actually want to know x) but somehow I can't talk to her (or anyone else) about anything. But if she really wants to know.. Maybe I could write it down.. But even if I do I'm not sure I'll send it to her...
Why don't I feel fine? I think I'm kind of afraid of what's next. My life has been on pause for past year (since I got cancer) but I feel like the world was on fast forward. And now that my therapies are almost done I have to catch up to it. I'm 20 years old and I planed to be livin on my own by now. I was supposed to move last year. I had it all planed out. And now everything is changed and I'm not even used to taking care of myself anymore. I still plan to move as soon as I can but I have no idea how to do it. By moving away I feel like I'm betraying everyone that helped me this year. At the same time I feel like everyone's forgetting it's not over yet. When it all started everyone was the most supportive and now sometimes they forget I still can't do some stuff and I even feel worse then I did at the beginning. My body is exhausted and my leg hurts real bad from the radiation therapy. At the beginning they didn't let me do stuff that I knew I could do if they'd let me like go for a walk and now that I actually can't do them they sometimes expect me to. I don't want to go out that much because I feel like I'm holding my friends back from doing stuff and when they do stuff I cant I feel left out. My friendship with Mia's changed a lot and I miss the old her. But I can't hold that against her. She's changed because the life's been tough on her and she needed to grow up. I know she still looks at me as her best friend but to tell you the truth I can't say the same thing. I mean from all of my friends she still is on the top of my "list" but the feeling is just not the same. Actually all my friends seem to be starting their "grown up lives" and I'm.. Well as I said... I'm behind. And there's also my daydreams. I feel like I'm loosing them. It's probably because I used to go in to the "day dream world" when I was alone, listening to the music and walking/running. But I can't go for a walk anymore and I'm starting to "loose touch" with my characters. I sometimes zone out of conversations (actually that's starting to happen more and more) but that's not good because then I have no idea what people are talking about so I try not to do that. And sometimes I just zone out but it's never for more then a minute because someone notices it and stets to ask if I'm okay or tries to start a conversation with me.
So I feel a bit better. There's not much to say actually. I kind of ignore everything that's wrong and it's working for now. I need it to work until the end of chemo therapy. When I'm done with it I'll see how everything turns out. until then I can't do anything about it so I hope ignoring it will work for a while. I still can't sleep but at least I'm not crying all night. I just lay in bed. I did start to go out with my friends again. We're going to the movies tomorrow. I hope they'll let us in though x) It's 18+ and I'm taking my brother with me (he's 15). +2 others are 17. So 3 of us are of age and 3 are not. Let's hope they wont notice :P
Now for a change the title actually does matches with what I'm about to write haha Just so you know.. You don't have to answer anything on this I'm only writing because I can't sleep and I'm hoping it may help me get more tired. And I'm also bored and full of energy. And it's 2 at night. Aand I can already see myself tomorrow complaining the whole day how I again couldn't sleep tonight. I Couldn't fall asleep yesterday until 5 in the morning.
Ok so I had no freaking idea you guys capitalize every first letter of every word in the title. I feel so dumb I never even noticed it when you did it x) We only capitalize the first letter of first word and the names. Just like in a regular sentence. Today I had my first 2 hours of English lessons for the tests I've been talking about. My ex classmates saved my but because when they finished with it last year they all gave me their notes. So now I don't really have that much work with English as I would have. So since I can't go to school I have different teachers now (the hospital teachers) and today I met my English teacher. It was the most awkward meeting ever. We started off talking in Slovene and then all of a sudden she started talking English. I'm not used to teachers talking English because usually most of my classmates wouldn't be able to follow. But she just started like '"well so let's start. Introduce yourself in English." And I just froze. The only words I could get out of myself were "My name is Lara" it wasn't that I wouldn't know how to say it in English but I just didn't know what to tell her. Like... What does she care who I am? I started at her for few seconds and the I said something like " I don't know what to tell you" and then she started to ask me questions about my family and siblings and I started to feel really uncomfortable talking about it. So that kind of made me want to change the subject so I started talking about the guitar and sky. And I think I did a pretty good job talking about that because later she told me I have to write about something and have to fill up 2 pages and she just went like... "But I don't think that's gonna be a problem for you". Haha it made me start to think that maybe I should talk a little less x). So yeah.. At the end of the lessons it wasn't so awkward anymore. I'm actually quite looking forward to next time :3
''Don't be afraid of the future.''
''change the path your life will follow''
''I have found so much beauty in the dark as I have found a lot of horror in the light''
Be strong now, because things will get better. It might be stormy now, but it can't rain forever.