Well, this is the big update I've meant to do for a while. I'll probably add to this as the things I talk about continue. But, Idk, I might just tell you in the comments. Just incase, check for whether I added or not every here and there.
Well, I'm going to start where things got bad.
So, Idk what it's like for you but, Gym is a MUST at our schools here. Unless you have health issues, you have to take it. Well, for some reason, something about gym just seems so wrong to me... Like, what keeps people from just walking outside in the nude. There's just something so humiliating and so very wrong about it in my head. I can't do it. I just can't. Daman hates it and he trains in fighting and shit for fucks sake. So does Nicki but it's Damon who freaks out the most. He'll constantly scratch on walls and bang on them until they break -- which is when I breakdown. We have gym everyday. I can't fucking do that. I need Damon and Nicki for my insanity but, they can either make everything feel better, or worse. Damon constantly tells me to run and that people are looking down upon me. He doesn't do that if I kiss a girl. He doesn't yell that my family would think I'm a freak if they knew. That's my own insecurity. But Damon just absolutely HATES gym. Of course, I do too. I've never liked gym but, it wasn't a big deal. Just something to get over with... Half of me wonders... Two years ago, did something happen in gym "that year"? Idk. I don't understand too well.
But, basically, I'd had enough of it and I want out. I talked about it before but, no luck. I'm trying again. I had a meeting and I just kept doing that thing with my arm. So, it's a nervous or stress thing I guess. I explained a bit about my daydreaming and why it's a pain. I didn't make it out to be as bad as it is with Damon which half of me regrets. I was there with two of my gym teachers, my school counselor, my parents, and the vice principal.. No pressure. I might just talk to the vice principal about it because she actually does want to understand a bit. I freaked out to the point of crying and shaking so much. Everyone just ignored it until I broke down. My eyes would be teary but, I'd wipe it and they'd ignore it. I feel pretty sure the counselor called me delusional too... Sugar-coded of course. So, I've been freaking out about if I'm just delusional about Damon and Nicki... I got nothing out of the meeting. Nothing good. So, I contacted my principal. Not VICE principal, the top dude in the school. He seems to actually want to help. So does my vice principal but, he gets things done.
So, I was just so sick of being crazy enough that it made things harder than necessary but not crazy enough that it was taken seriously. I'm just sick of being a mental fuck. I'm just a pain in the ass for people. What kept me from doing it is my pets... But, I almost did and it scares me. Damon and Nicki weren't there to stop me. I had a freak out, went numb and was capable of anything. I just didn't want to leave Shiloh and Zeppelin without an owner I trust -- me.
Also, I don't think my body, or voice fit who I am. I could get plastic surgery if I insisted but, what could you do about a voice? About nothing, really. I have daydreams of the life I want. It's impossible. The ones about my future, maybe but, that's the future.
I just am sick of the thoughts. They're fading a bit, but still there. Nicki and Damon are better but still have some gettin better to do.
You know how I said I thought things were getting better? Nevermind. Shouldn't have assumed so quick. I just broke down and everything came back after Dexter bit me. Again.
Plus Aaron has been acting different. I'm starting to feel unsure that our friendship will stay the same... I've been thinking about doing something for a long time but, I'm unsure. It could make things worse or better. I've been tempted to tell Aaron I won't be able to talk for a while and just not have to worry about anything to do with him until I can handle it. But, what if I come back and he's completely different... Nicki always mumbles and lightly taps when I talk to him because I feel like something is not right.
Just to get out of our conversation, I lied about, "Oh shit, I forgot my english assignment, I gtg." Things just suck ass right now. I'm afraid things are going back to "that year".
It's 10:00pm. Idk if I want to sleep.
2.) Meeting Again
So, we had another meeting that had my vice principal, school counselor, mom, and two teachers. Dr. Biggs and my science teacher. I really like them both so, that's nice. Well, they started talking about how my confidence appears to have gone down a lot. Dr. Biggs talked about how when I walk through the halls I seem like I just want for people to stay away from me. I don't want to be touched, talked to, or anything. He's definitely not wrong. He said the morning of the meeting (it was a few days ago) I looked absolutely pissed off (which I was) and he can always tell. He's worried that I'm going in reverse. You know, losing all of my improvements. He said he wants me to "ditch the hoodie" which I had been wearing the whole week. The hoodie, hair in a bun, and no makeup... Plus I had some dark ass circles under my eyes and when Jackie and I got annoyed with each other a few days ago, she called me a zombie so, that was great. We're good now but, and my circles are going away. My school counselor said that I clearly have a different level of confidence when I dress up, do my makeup, my hair, etc. They were clearly a bit worried, especially Dr. Biggs. So, today I wore my hair down, makeup and a nicer outfit. But Dr, Biggs will be gone until Tuesday. As I joke, the day after the meeting, I wore a different hoodie and my hair in a ponytail.
And about Gym. They're going to work with me. They plan to have it mainly just Jackie and I and give us some outs. It's going well so far.
"Some days life is all about your dreams, hopes and visions for the future. But there are some days where life is just about putting one foot in front of the other. And that's okay."