Honestly, I've not really wanted to admit it to anyone but I've been extreamly depressed. I was never someone to ask about the meaning of life but now I have. And it's not good. I went and read something that I wrote about a year ago about what I thought about that. "What is life?"
Here's what it said -
What is life?
I never really asked myself this question, nor did I ever wonder what sex was before I learned. Lots of usual questions you asked as a young kid, I didn't. It would take someone to ask me or tell me their theory to get me to think about it. Luckily there wasn't a weird kid at school or wherever, who asked me about "it". I was where it was nicer and social media wasn't a casual thing for a fellow classmate to have in my elementary school. Middle School, when a bunch of us kids got mixed, then it slowly did as us others got use to it. Basically my point is, I got to be more oblivious and it was my love for the internet that got me to learn. My sister, who grew up the same, didn't care for the internet and finds out from being told by family, friends, or school. Getting to the point, I'll tell you my answer to that popular question at the top there.
"What is life?" - I believe everyone has a reason and they most definitely, can be simple. Making others happy, raising a child, "changing the world!". Anything. Overall, making someone happy is a reason for everyone. It can be yourself, family, friends, strangers... At one point, you will make someone happy, which can be yourself (hopefully others too though). You will be in, and affect someone else's life. Negatively, positively, whatever. Your mother's, father's, friend's, or etc.
No. This isn't the purpose for someone, you, me, whoever. That's something for you to find. Learning who you are and what you want to do with your life. How you want to use your talents, personality, opinions, (etc.) to find who you want to let people know you as and be who/what you are.
"The two most important days in your life are the day you are born, and the day you find out why." ~Mark Twain
Reading that has kinda got me to stop thinking so much but, still. I'm not sure if it's just because I'm tired or because I read that. I've been struggling with self-hatred and I don't use the word hatred loosely. There's when I just feel kinda shitty about myself and then that. I've never really dealt with self hatred. Maybe in "that year" but, I don't really remember. I'm always on edge and can't handle too much or else I have to numb. Aka. Sitting and listening to music or humming to myself while thinking about random things that I forget after 2 seconds. I'm starting to wonder if this year is worse than "that year". But, "that year" I felt everything. All the mental and emotional pain. Now, because of that I've learned how to... what I guess is coping. I was also alone, with no friends. I have Jackie close by my side and I have you too. Not sure if I said this already but I have another maladaptive daydream developing and it's all I think about all the time. I don't see Nicki and Damon as much but I see them after school and just here and there during the day. Since it's still developing, I don't have characters and stories down. But, the point is, it developed naturally. As my mind's way of coping. Not me purposely focusing on making another one like I use to talk about.
But if Cynthia came to me and said, "Why are you depressed?" I wouldn't really know. I have a whole bunch of things I'd come up with in hopes it'd make sense. But I wouldn't be able to say, "Because of..." blah. I'd be like, "Well maybe this or that or possibly this other thing..."
My grade in Dr. Biggs class is a C and I feel pretty sure I'm going to fail my next assignment so, I'll be looking forward to an F in his class and watching me constantly lower his standards for me and see the disappointment in his eyes.
What happened in this next assignment is a long story but basically Lisa did the majority of the work and I feel like shit for it. The one last thing I could help with is performing or doing the "speech". Anyone from the school can come if they want. It's in the library so I will probably end up hiding and reading books. I've been following Dr. Biggs around begging him to somehow find an alternative for me. I will have a plan on what to say but I can't when I face him. I just always want to cry about everything but I can't. I don't even get watery eyes or that heavy feeling. I just feel down and wondering if tears could be like medicine. I've been taking my pills so, I can't just be having a low because I'm not taking them.
I feel sure Lisa is pissed at me and me not being able to preform and hiding, won't help.
"Some days life is all about your dreams, hopes and visions for the future. But there are some days where life is just about putting one foot in front of the other. And that's okay."