Bri's Blog Page
Ok... I know this is small but, I'm a very short tempered person... I've been having a hard time lately so, my anger is really bad and I need to keep myself out of trouble. Plus, I'm just physical. Like, if someone does something and I already hate them, I'm not going to want to talk, I'll want to punch them in the damn face.
Well, there's these two sisters and I'm ready the kick their asses. I just don't like being disrespected or treated like I'm less than someone else. So, we'll call them Andrea, and Jamie. BOTH have just fucking put tape on my back. The first time, I can deal with. Well, actually I was quite pissed but, not as. Like, it didn't say anything, it's like she just didn't want it so, "Oh, well, I'll just put it on this loser's back." Then her sister did too and she put it in my fucking hair. My hair is almost to my ass so, it's annoying enough as it is so, if you pull shit like that, I'm gonna be ready to rip your hair out. Andrea I kinda know and she did it first. I felt her touch my back and I know she's a piece of shit so, I reached back and was right that she put something on my back. That was near a month or two back so, I let it go. Well, today Jamie did that. But, the tape didn't look like it was even used so, half of me wonders if she remembered Andrea doing it and had a roll of tape with her... Idk but I'm mad. Jackie said she put it on my back and ran. So, Jackie couldn't just point her out and me yank her over. She's tiny, and so is Andrea. Like seriously, I could shove them in a locker if I was in a hurry. If I were to get in someone's face, I'd pick Andrea first but, idk. I just want them to take me serious when I say that I will get physical if they have the guts to do it again. I don't know Jamie. Like seriously, never met her. But, she's decided she wants to meet me so, we can definitely arrange that. I need help on how to handle this or I'll just get myself in more shit and this first quarter of school already sucked. I was offered to just fill out a report and then it'd go to the vice principal and etc. I feel like that'd be loser thing to do. Like, if I go to the principal, they'd leave me alone because they don't want to deal with the principal. If I confront them and it goes my way, they'll leave me alone because they want to stay pretty. Plus, it'd be nice to see them have a mini shock of fear when I look at them. I'm so sick of being treated so crappy at this stupid fucking school. I'm just over it.
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But, I can't. I haven't even been taking my pills and, I can't cry. I just whimper and struggle to breath while trying to get myself to just let it out. Just let the anger and frustration escape through my tears. Why can't I cry? It doesn't make sense. I haven't been taking my pills for days and I can't cry.
I feel like crying for the smallest things because I'm holding so much in, everything feels like it's going to break me. I can't handle anything. Shiloh shit on me and I started doing the weird whimper/sobbing shit and keeping myself from hurting her in the slightest way. "Just gently pick her up, pet her, put her in her terrarium and remind yourself not to hurt what you love." Even if I wanted to give myself time to heal whatever has me wounded, and take a break from school or something my mother won't let me. There's no way. Plus, she just makes it worse too. It's my birthday and she's yelled at me multiple times. Yelled at me at the party, and my actual birthday. Ask to miss school, up my pills, anything like that..? I don't have to guts to do right now. I have a big-ish assignment from Dr.Biggs and Idk how I'm going to get myself to do it. Even if I do, I'd have no clue what to do. And it's not like writing where you can help me. It's about something we've been studying. He's already giving me an "extension" where he's giving me extra time. He's given me 6 days which is already insane. He also isn't making me get in front of the class. He said he'd give me the extension if I gave a good product. He knows I usually would. Usually. I feel like such a piece of shit. I broke a glass bottle today and something told me to keep one of the glass pieces and I washed it then hid it in a towel. I think I know why I kept it now. I'll do my best to stay away from it but, for some reason I can't throw it away. I'm sick of being like this because I want to be able to support you and help Aaron and just things be okay for everyone. I'm just angry all the time and quick to have random breakdowns. I have a great chance to be doing so well in school but, I'm ruining it for myself. Things could be perfect right now. I have my pets I love. School is giving me this big chance of being goodin math and spanish, unlike last year. I can see I'm over-eating too. Nicki and Damon are gone right now. This is weird but, I can't help but wish I could hug one of them right now. Or just have a real hug. You know those hugs where you can feel someone's warmth and it's like everything just feels okay? I don't think I've even felt one but, know what it is. So, my mom surprisingly bought Shiloh a heating pad and Shiloh seems a lot more comfy and happy in her terrarium. Also, I have two new bunnies. There's Vertigo, a neutered boy and who I think I'll name Haven who is a spayed female. They're bonded so, I didn't want to split them. Haven's age is unknown because she was found abandoned, but they guessed 4-5 years old. Vertigo is 8-9 months old. Vertigo is the black and white bunny and Haven is completely black. I got them Sunday (Sept. 25) so, I've had them less than a week. Haven seems to be trusting me and Vertigo is still in the process. I think I'll be able to bond with them in a few days. Lately I've just been irritable with people. Idk why. My birthday party is tomorrow but my actual birthday is October 2. So, hopefully, I won't get grumpy or anything... It's just a simple party. It's the kind that's like my family's go-to if a party was badly planned. Lily is getting me some gifts for Haven and Vertigo. I'll show you when I get them. They sounded really cool when she explained them. Her and I are getting along perfectly... Maybe last year we just weren't use to being around each other so much. We went from rarely seeing one another to being together everyday. Or she just had a hard year last year and now things have settled down for her.
Aaron seems a bit more normal. One day he was clearly bummed out and I asked if he was okay he just said, "No" and stopped answering. I made it obvious I was worried about him and he apologized and said it was just drama and that everything is good now. I asked about whether he asked the girl out or not and he said, "Yeah, let's not stay on that subject. Things didn't go bad, they just went weird." I asked for details but, he had done 6 hours of homework and was exhausted. He goes to this fancy school so, I'm not surprised with the homework thing... I would've died in two days if homework was that bad for me. He said he'd talk to me today (which was tomorrow at the time) and give some more info. I just got a better feeling from him. I hope things can slowly get back to normal, or close to how things were. I can't get anything done. Just can't function. I don't put effort into anything. I just feel weak and depressed. Idek what I'm depressed about. Dexter, of course but, I'm not exactly thinking about him. Not thinking about him or anything. I can't do anything. Can't study. Can't do homework. I have a lot of homework building up and it's going to bite me in the ass if I don't get it done. I'll tell myself I will but, I just stare at it. I just want to sleep but I can't. I just sit in my bed and stare at the screen, watching youtube. I never do that. I always have to work with my hands but, all the sudden I don't want to. My arms are weak and I'm just proud of myself for typing this. But, I need to get work done... Half of me is thinking I'll just buy and energy drink and get my homework done late. But, what if I don't? How can I get myself to just get it done? I can't. I don't know what to do. I'm being rude to everyone, even my cat for fucks sake. I don't want to hold Shiloh or Zeppelin. I just want nothing to do with anything.
And I feel really bad for not helping you too. Here you're always helping me and I can't even get myself to read your update. I feel really selfish and crappy about it... Well, I cried myself to sleep over Dexter... But I wonder, what if it was Jackie? Or you? Or Emily? I can barely handle a bunny I had for about a week... How the hell could I handle losing a best friend? I clearly don't know what to do when I lose someone other than constantly cry. So, basically I need to learn how to cope with loss... I looked it up some and it wasn't helpful for shit.
We're looking at bunnies today. My mom and I... I'm going to research healthy foods for them, how to handle them, and just how to care for them overall. I did some research but clearly I messed up somewhere. So far, the way I handle loss is finding something/one similar and letting my memory of who I lost, fade. Like when for all I knew I'd never see Zeppelin again... So, what happened to Dexter... I don't know. I really don't. He was acting weird for a while. He'd be jittery when hopping, like he's double-hop kinda...? It's hard to explain. He was acting weird this morning and I kinda had a feeling that he'd be gone when I got home. He didn't jump up to me when I came to the cage. He'd move a bit like he hopped to the other side of the cage but, he just seemed like he was really tired. I gave him some food and pet him for a bit them left for school. I came home it was obvious what was going on. He was stiff... I just cried and my mom kept saying she's sorry that this happened to me. I cried until I fell asleep and my parents buried him. Everytime I think about him my eyes get teary, like they are now. I just woke up from a nap. Shiloh just laid on my stomach and I pet her. So yeah, sorry for any errors. Bad News :
Professor NIbbles is a boy so, I can't keep him (Sergeant Pepper is a girl so... I don't need a bunch of baby rats). I could've of sworn he was a girl but he suddenly got had two lumps so... Yeah. I should keep Sergeant Pepper, but we're unsure because buying a new cage would be a pain when Pepe gets bigger. I feel bad to let Nibbs go but he's not too well on his own so, I can't just separate them. I might try talking to Lily about where we could take him where he wouldn't be a feeder rat. I'd prefer he not be. Good News : You know how I wanted a bunny a while back, but put it off? Well, I still wanted one but told myself no because we have quite a few pets already. I think you saw this coming after reading the first line... Well, I was given an offer for a bunny and all his things for $25... I couldn't say no. So, now I have a 6 month old male bunny that I decided to name Dexter. I don't even know what the name means. He just looked like a Dexter to me. I just got him today and he's very easily scared and I've gotten some bad scratches from him. Worst ones on my chest/neck and arm. I just need to work with him and help him trust me more. Any advice? I'll research how to tomorrow. It's about 9:00pm over here and I have homework so, i can't do much today. He's just scared. I'll tell you how he's doing when he understands that he's safe. Well, this is the big update I've meant to do for a while. I'll probably add to this as the things I talk about continue. But, Idk, I might just tell you in the comments. Just incase, check for whether I added or not every here and there.
1.) Meeting Well, I'm going to start where things got bad. So, Idk what it's like for you but, Gym is a MUST at our schools here. Unless you have health issues, you have to take it. Well, for some reason, something about gym just seems so wrong to me... Like, what keeps people from just walking outside in the nude. There's just something so humiliating and so very wrong about it in my head. I can't do it. I just can't. Daman hates it and he trains in fighting and shit for fucks sake. So does Nicki but it's Damon who freaks out the most. He'll constantly scratch on walls and bang on them until they break -- which is when I breakdown. We have gym everyday. I can't fucking do that. I need Damon and Nicki for my insanity but, they can either make everything feel better, or worse. Damon constantly tells me to run and that people are looking down upon me. He doesn't do that if I kiss a girl. He doesn't yell that my family would think I'm a freak if they knew. That's my own insecurity. But Damon just absolutely HATES gym. Of course, I do too. I've never liked gym but, it wasn't a big deal. Just something to get over with... Half of me wonders... Two years ago, did something happen in gym "that year"? Idk. I don't understand too well. But, basically, I'd had enough of it and I want out. I talked about it before but, no luck. I'm trying again. I had a meeting and I just kept doing that thing with my arm. So, it's a nervous or stress thing I guess. I explained a bit about my daydreaming and why it's a pain. I didn't make it out to be as bad as it is with Damon which half of me regrets. I was there with two of my gym teachers, my school counselor, my parents, and the vice principal.. No pressure. I might just talk to the vice principal about it because she actually does want to understand a bit. I freaked out to the point of crying and shaking so much. Everyone just ignored it until I broke down. My eyes would be teary but, I'd wipe it and they'd ignore it. I feel pretty sure the counselor called me delusional too... Sugar-coded of course. So, I've been freaking out about if I'm just delusional about Damon and Nicki... I got nothing out of the meeting. Nothing good. So, I contacted my principal. Not VICE principal, the top dude in the school. He seems to actually want to help. So does my vice principal but, he gets things done. 2.) Numb So, I was just so sick of being crazy enough that it made things harder than necessary but not crazy enough that it was taken seriously. I'm just sick of being a mental fuck. I'm just a pain in the ass for people. What kept me from doing it is my pets... But, I almost did and it scares me. Damon and Nicki weren't there to stop me. I had a freak out, went numb and was capable of anything. I just didn't want to leave Shiloh and Zeppelin without an owner I trust -- me. Also, I don't think my body, or voice fit who I am. I could get plastic surgery if I insisted but, what could you do about a voice? About nothing, really. I have daydreams of the life I want. It's impossible. The ones about my future, maybe but, that's the future. I just am sick of the thoughts. They're fading a bit, but still there. Nicki and Damon are better but still have some gettin better to do. 3.) Backwards You know how I said I thought things were getting better? Nevermind. Shouldn't have assumed so quick. I just broke down and everything came back after Dexter bit me. Again. Plus Aaron has been acting different. I'm starting to feel unsure that our friendship will stay the same... I've been thinking about doing something for a long time but, I'm unsure. It could make things worse or better. I've been tempted to tell Aaron I won't be able to talk for a while and just not have to worry about anything to do with him until I can handle it. But, what if I come back and he's completely different... Nicki always mumbles and lightly taps when I talk to him because I feel like something is not right. Just to get out of our conversation, I lied about, "Oh shit, I forgot my english assignment, I gtg." Things just suck ass right now. I'm afraid things are going back to "that year". It's 10:00pm. Idk if I want to sleep. 2.) Meeting Again So, we had another meeting that had my vice principal, school counselor, mom, and two teachers. Dr. Biggs and my science teacher. I really like them both so, that's nice. Well, they started talking about how my confidence appears to have gone down a lot. Dr. Biggs talked about how when I walk through the halls I seem like I just want for people to stay away from me. I don't want to be touched, talked to, or anything. He's definitely not wrong. He said the morning of the meeting (it was a few days ago) I looked absolutely pissed off (which I was) and he can always tell. He's worried that I'm going in reverse. You know, losing all of my improvements. He said he wants me to "ditch the hoodie" which I had been wearing the whole week. The hoodie, hair in a bun, and no makeup... Plus I had some dark ass circles under my eyes and when Jackie and I got annoyed with each other a few days ago, she called me a zombie so, that was great. We're good now but, and my circles are going away. My school counselor said that I clearly have a different level of confidence when I dress up, do my makeup, my hair, etc. They were clearly a bit worried, especially Dr. Biggs. So, today I wore my hair down, makeup and a nicer outfit. But Dr, Biggs will be gone until Tuesday. As I joke, the day after the meeting, I wore a different hoodie and my hair in a ponytail. And about Gym. They're going to work with me. They plan to have it mainly just Jackie and I and give us some outs. It's going well so far. So, Alya's fur around her eyes is suddenly growing back. For a moment it was getting worse and now, it's like it never happened. Do you have any clue why that is?
She's doing awesome, though. The rats always sleep side by side, and Alya will lay on them. I'm thinking about just keeping them. They seem to be improving. They're just extreamly slow I guess... They seem to like me more since I've been feeding them corn. I cut off about 1/6 of some corn on the cob and hold it as the nibble on it. Alya doesn't care for it. Jackie refers to RC as Sniffle, and the other rat as Squeak. I'm lazy, so unless you want to bring up some names, I'm going to keep those. I can't function and I just don't know what to do. Stay home where I'm safe but get behind and hide? Suck it up and go to school but possibly make myself worse mentally? I've just been "sucking it up". Near the end of school (about two hours before school ends), I just stopped functioning. I was scared of everyone and thing. I got my pills and was practically knocking everything over and just looking like a weirdo. I then went to what my school calls "Student Services" and just sat in a dark room hoping people wouldn't see me or at least just leave me alone. I could tell one of the ladies who worked in there was worried about me.
Suicidal thoughts rushed through my head. It's always temporary and I know I won't do it but, I prefer not daydreaming or seeing flashes of me dead. Thinking deeply about my death, or death in general. Who would want that? My characters aren't here right now and when they are they're freaking out. Scratching, screaming, throwing fists. I can't focus when they do that... I've always been scared of things going to how they were two years ago. You know, "that year". I don't want to lose sleep. I don't want to look sick again. I don't want counselors to follow me around trying to keep me from doing anything they don't like. I don't want people to see me weak. I don't want my friends to constantly worry for me. I don't want people to hurt me. I don't want to go numb. I don't know what to do, Lara. I think you know how I am... I wouldn't want to tell anyone but, I'm stuck and you're the only one I can trust to help me. I don't see Cynthia for a bit and I'm not sure how Aaron or Jackie would respond. 1.) Brain
This is basically where things get onto a crappy start. I don't remember everything I might've already told you so, sorry if I repeat. The whole summer, I'd been fine but, once school started that noticeably changed. I thought it was just a class that always stresses me out but, now I don't think that's it. On the first day I was pretty normal. Second day, I wasn't and everything came to me just being weird. Basically, I just randomly get this weird shock-like thing where I have to clench my fist, or do this weird thing where it's like my arm muscles are basically flexing and I can't move my hand or arm. My arm just shakes a bit but, it's only for a few seconds. I'm really quiet in classes and just want to be left alone unless I'm with Jackie. My history teacher, Dr. Biggs, and my Industrial Technology Teacher, Mr. B (we'll call him) always see me in the hall and say, "Smile Bri!", "Be Happy, Bri" or "Lighten up, Bri." I didn't even know I was frowning... I usually know when I'm frowning and just have a face that is like this facial expression which fakes confidence when I walk through halls. When I have a frown, I know it. My facial expression that I don't acknowledge anymore if my "confidence" one. They rarely did that last year. They only did that when I was grumpy or down, which 1. I knew I was and 2. was a rare occurrence. I also just hadn't been wanting to talk to anyone but Jackie. Homework didn't help but, I just didn't want to do or say anything on here. I didn't talk to Aaron until last night for fucks sake. I'm finally talking to you again. Now I need to talk to Emily and Jade. 2.) Meds So, because of all that I mentioned in 1.), I talked about upping my pills to Cynthia. She said that she actually wasn't a huge fan of Lexapro (the pill I currently take) and thinks Zoloft might be better for me. She said to mention it to my psychiatrist and see what she thinks. Lexapro can treat - Major Depression, Social Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Kleptomania Zoloft can treat - Major Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Fibromyalgia, Bulimia, Premenstrual Syndrome, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Agoraphobia Disorder, Seasonal Affective Disorder, and Trichotillomania I don't have all of those of course... She's also showed concern about if I may have OCD. Thinking about it, I think I might but, it's not too bad. Like, it's very minor compared to others. But anyways, when I mentioned it to my psychiatrist who we'll call Evelyn, she wasn't happy. She just thought I was stressed and needed to wait and let it pass. She was mad at Cynthia for mentioning Zoloft... She was pissed but trying to stay professional. She said all these things like, "It's like going to a baker and asking what kind of eye prescription you should get. It doesn't make sense! You go to a baker for bread and an eye doctor for contacts." Well, her example is very inaccurate for starters. Her and Cynthia both work with the mind but, Cynthia works with treating mental or emotional issues using things such as coping skills. Evelyn works with diagnosing and prescribing pills to treat mental or emotional issues. Not so different. Really, therapist and psychiatrist should both just be the same thing. Therapists really know what's up. Psychiatrists, it's hard to explain everything without hearing, "I'm not a therapist". You can't take much more than 15 minutes. Plus my mom gives her the wrong idea. It just shows off how GREAT my mom knows me. Oh yeah. She doesn't. Yet here she is always talking for me... Like wtf, I would just have her out of the room if only she wasn't in charge of costs and getting me there. Basically it was all a waste of time and pisses me off. I'm thinking about getting a new psychiatrist and having my mom out until we discuss changing pills at all and when I come back. I always kept Evelyn because she gave good diagnosis but, the way she talked about me... She barely knows me but, is the person who provides my pills... That doesn't exactly fucking work. 3.) Friends Like, I mentioned before I've been bad about hanging out with and messaging my friends. You included, so I apologize for that... I finally talked to Aaron last night and we had a weird and awesome conversation just like we always do. But, he was talking about how something was going on but, he wouldn't just tell me. He'd only say something like, "You know". I only got to him saying it kinda had to do with relationships. "School stuff" he says. But he's not stressed or sad... Idk how to make him spit it out or get him to answer questions that'll get me what he's talking about... Any ideas? I'll put our conversation (I'm going to include everything so you could maybe catch something that I may have not) Aaron: Bri? Me: Hallo Aaron: Hi Me: Hey Aaron: How are you? Me: Good. You? Aaron: I'm alright... Thanks. Me: You Sure? Aaron: Yeah.. Why? Me: You're being weird. Aaron: Nu. Me: Yuz. Aaron: Nah Aaron: Life's crazy Me: Oh, you're stressed..? Aaron: Nah, I'm not stressed. I'm every which way. Me: Every which way? Aaron: Life likes playing with my feelings. Me: How? Aaron: Heh, well it's not sadness or stress, I assure you. Aaron: Other things. Me: Like what? Aaron: You know. Aaron: Stuff. Me: Stuff... What stuff..? Aaron: School things. Me: Stuff and things. That tells me a lot... Aaron: You know... Me: Relationships? Aaron: Eh, partly, I guess Me: Can you just say? My brain is dead from homework. Aaron: Things are just confusing. Me: You're confusing. *Few hours later* Me: Aaron Aaron: Bri Me: Hi :3 Aaron: What's up Me: You have yet to explain the relationship stuffs and school things that I apparently know. Aaron: You know. Me: Are you purposely just doing this to drive me crazy? Aaron: *sends funny picture of him making this frowny face* Me: AARON Me: Ok. Me: I'll just die confused. Me: For all you know, I could get hit by a bus. And of course that's when we both start being dorks. |