Bri's Blog Page
Soooooo.... Uh. I swear, this is the last one.
I've been talking about wanting a bearded dragon for months and when I saw someone selling a bearded dragon for $120 I flipped my shit and my mom was surprisingly nice about it. I said I'd pay one hundred (There's things I've been meaning to get for a while and I just told my mom the $20 could be like part of Christmas). The lady was really nice and said if it just wasn't working out, I could take him back. I've had him three days but didn't say anything right away because I didn't know whether it was for sure or not. Since I just bought him without really planning it, I was glad to have that as an option to take him back. Beardies are more complicated than ball pythons and corn snakes. And of course, more money. I know it was rather stupid since we're worried about Shiloh being warm but, I just couldn't reject it without constantly wondering if I was stupid to miss the opportunity. One time I missed the opportunity of getting a bearded dragon and it's things for only $50 and am kinda mad at myself for it. I have a heating pad like thing that goes in the microwave. The lady who sold the beardie to me, gave me another heating pad like thing for the drive home to keep the bearded dragon warm. It looks like it's meant for the neck and it also goes in a microwave. Then I have one you plug in. If we couldn't afford another heating light or mat and she needed one, I'd give her at least two of those. I'd also put a heater near her if she seemed that cold. I wouldn't just leave her so she'll be okay. I think she's okay since she still ate and I'll be sure she's digesting well.
My mom told me she was okay with it since she knows how much I've been wanting a bearded dragon. At the store where we get anything for Shiloh and Zeppelin, they've been letting me hold a bearded dragon whenever I'm there. I asked the store owner, Ronald, how much he's okay with it and he said it was fine when there aren't lots of kids in the store (because then they'd all want to hold it) but other than that, I'm good with animals so he has no problem with it. I'd always say, "I really want one but I already have too many pets." So, I was trying really hard just to tell myself no. But FUCK. Obviously, I didn't succeed.
I've been holding him a lot for while I've had him. His previous owner gave him away because she just doesn't really enjoy reptiles and her son was the one that wanted him but never actually takes care of him or even holds him. Just stares at him. So, I'm surprised at how sweet he is for being in a home that didn't really hold him. The mom took care of him but didn't love him or carry him around like I do. We have some bonding to do of course but he is very nice. I don't regret getting him at all. He tells me when he wants attention by scratching at the walls of his terrarium and tells me when he wants back in his terrarium by running to it. He'll tell me when he's tired by waddling to his terrarium, haha. Unlike Zeppelin and Shiloh, you have to have a bedtime and wake up time for them. So far, he seems tired at 8:00pm and I'm not sure when he wakes up yet. I'll need it to be at least 7:00am (for school). So, I might have to put him to bed earlier and get him on a schedule that works for me. People say it's 12 hours but some say 8 hours in the winter. So, I'll try 12 for now because I don't want him to get too little of sleep.
Here's names I'm thinking of
Merlin (I just find that name funny tbh, haha)
Jackie wants Pickles. Not surprising, haha. I really like Louie or Mojo. If you have any other ideas, go ahead and say.
OK ok ok... I need to stop just making post after post. But it's like every time I make a post, by time I can respond more things have happened. We have Thanksgiving Break now so, I will be able to respond. I have this week off from school. If you still have the same questions that you asked before, just ask again.
So, this big situation happened. It doesn't seem too big anymore but, it still kinda sucks.
Well, I'm going to start with the situation with Lisa.. Oh also, I recently remember I first called Lisa, Addison. Honestly I like Addison more for her. Plus it'd be less confusing with your friend Lisa. I'm going to call her Addison for now on in this post but if it's confusing to you I'll go back to calling her Lisa.
So, it was Friday that this all happened. It was November 4th. It was presenting day for the project and it was where staff members and students would walk in whenever and look around and listen to your presentation and all. Really, Addison built it as her's. She has only a script for her and really there was nothing I could help with other than setting up. Dr. Biggs asked what I helped with probably because he knew about the trip since we asked for an extension (he said no). So, I told him I helped with research. He said it wasn't enough to be able to get 100% He wanted me to get it done over the weekend and maybe work on it some Monday. So, it was Addison's project which I'd get no credit for and then I'd have to make my own in three days. I already wanted to leave because Addison was being bitchy and was annoying me. But that made me snap. I'd been REALLY on edge all week. There was no such thing as a good day. Just "crappy", "absolute shit", and "Fuck this". So, I said I needed to go to what they call "Student Services" which is where the school counselors are and he let me. I told a lady I just needed a room to cry in and be left alone so, she'd make sure nobody came in. I cried and I felt all the pain that my mind had numbed. I was suicidal and couldn't stand my own existence. I asked if I could call my mother and the lady said yes. Sometimes I call her to encourage me to get through the day but then there are times like this where I needed to go home. I told my mom and she said she'd be on her way. Every grade has their own counselor and we'll call my grade's counselor Melissa. Melissa told me that I'd need to talk to her or go back to class. I told her that everything to do with home or my own mental stuff, I wanted to keep to myself but I told her about the whole thing with Addison and Dr. Biggs. She basically said it'd be fine and sent me back to class. I didn't want to tell her I was going home because she'd bitch about missing too much school. I was breaking down and my decisions weren't the best. Jackie and my locker are near our guitar class and we were in guitar class so she saw me and came over. I was packing my backpack and Jackie knew I was a mess so we talked a bit and then I went where I'd be picked up. I thought my mom was going to be there any minute as it had been like 15 minutes. I was with Melissa for 10 minutes and packed for about 5. My mom still wasn't there for a while so I called her and she said she'd be there as soon as possible. She came and she said she called Melissa to tell her to keep me there but Melissa said she'd sent me to class already and my mom said she'd be there at my lunch time to check on me. Also, at one point when panicking I asked for Jackie but they said they couldn't pull her because she was in a core class. She was in science and they were doing a big project so, I understood that. After science ended she saw that there was none of my stuff in our locker and that I wasn't in guitar, so she knew I was there. Jackie said she asked if I was there and Melissa said I wasn't. But when Melissa told me Jackie came in she said she told her I was there and that I'd be fine. So, my mom picked me up but then Melissa emailed my mom. She marked me as Truant which means I skipped class and then marked me as Ill for the rest of school after my mom picked me up. She also wanted me to have an "escort". She wasn't specific so we thought she wanted me to have an escort everywhere I go when she meant just out of Student Services. So, my dad was pissed and just wanted me to move schools as he was sick of the shit. My mom said no because it'd be hard for obvious reasons. Every grade also has their own vice principal but we all have the same principal. We'll call my vice principal, Teri. My principal, Teri and my mom talked then Teri, my principal and I talked. They really pissed me off. Then Teri told me I'd have to have detention with her. I got mad and was being a bit rude. She made it seem like a punishment but really she wanted to ask me questions to get to know me. But what kinda annoyed me was that she had let another girl wait with her. It wasn't planned. So of course we couldn't talk and I just studied my spanish. The girl was nice and all but that was just a waste of my time. She told me before it'd be and hour and a half but then that girl was there for an hour. We got it down that I freak out about be controlled or feeling trapped and needed a certain amount of my freedom.
Melissa seems to have shut up about the "escort" idea so I think Teri told her it was a bad idea. For me, you have to let me make my mistakes and then let me learn from them. The escort thing would just have me pissed off. I still haven't done the project and I will get it done now.
Also, Jackie thought that Addison had said to Dr. Biggs that I did nothing, or something like that. Jackie doesn't like Addison so she thinks Addison is an asshole who'd do something like that. I texted her saying, "Hey Addison. Just be honest with me. Did you say something to Dr. Biggs? I understand if the whole situation made you mad or something but you could've said something to me." She said she didn't and asked what happened. I'm guessing Dr. Biggs didn't talk to her. Jackie said she kept looking over where Jackie, Emily and I usually sit, at lunch. And she had what Jackie called a guilty expression on her face. I think she was just kinda worried about what happened to me. I know exactly what look Jackie is talking about because I've seen Addison do it a lot. But ever since all of this, things have been super awkward between Addison and I. We use to sit together before Dr. Biggs moved people around. He moved people because these kids would be super obnoxious every class. But anyways, when we were still sitting together, one day she had kept repeating that she didn't say anything and I told her it was fine and that I believed her. I think things are awkward because our friendship was based on humor and with me so angry all the time, it's hard for things to be normal. Plus she probably thinks I hate her now or something. She's with the popular, dramatic, drama-causing kids so, of course she'd think that. Half of me thinks I need to text her that I'm not mad at her or whatever and kinda explain briefly.
My mom has called a psychiatrist who will be like a therapist and someone who prescribes pills. So then he will actually know me and what I need. I'm happy that I can finally get my pills fixed. I do have to wait until I talk to Cynthia about it because the psychiatrist wants to see what she thinks. Another plus. A psychiatrist who actually respects my therapist. I've been super angry all of november and have had to cake on foundation because I turn very pink when I'm mad. I don't just want to be pink all day. I feel really shitty because I'm doing terrible in school. The only classes I'm good in are Spanish, Science, and guitar. My grades are : F, B, F, D-, D+, B, B+, and A+
My mom is always nagging about them.
Anyways, I bought Haven and Vertigo some treats. Vertigo absolutely loves them and I'm not sure if Haven does. I tried to give them some last night but they were in their cage. Haven ran out but only sniffed them. I just put two in a bowl and hoped they'd be gone in the morning. They were. Then this morning I offered Vertigo a treat since he didn't run from me and let me pet him and he ate it from my hand very happily. I'm struggling to get them where they like me so I'm thinking I'll bring them a carrot or some type of treat when I see them. Then give them a treat when they stay. Like with Vertigo. Haven ran out after me calling her for a bit and she sniffed it but then Vertigo clearly really wanted it so, I gave it to him. I will try to get her to eat out of my hand later.
I let Nibbles and Alya run around my bed a lot and lately have been giving them any leftover food, haha. Nibbles has learned to run over when I call for him because it usually means food. One issue. When I'm doing homework Nibbles will chew on my paper. Or when I'm paying my guitar he will chew my book or guitar case. There's a reason he was named Nibbles, haha. Any ideas for how to keep him from doing that? Sometimes I give him something else to chew or move him away but he doesn't seem to be catching on. He's not the smartest of rats.
Also, the bunnies didn't care for the edible house so now it's Nibbles and he's been chewing it a lot. He chewed it ALL THE TIME when I first gave it to him but he doesn't as much anymore. He still likes it though and Alya just likes it as a hideout.
I know there was something else I wanted to talk about but can't remember it at the moment. I'll just update this when I remember. Oh and do you still want me to comment on your posts or is it no longer very relevant? Maybe you could do a big update post kinda like this so things make more sense for us, or me at least x3 Even if you're just repeating a bunch.
I just have no motivation... Only in very few things. Like guitar. I can only write or do certain things because I just have enough motivation to. If something is "too hard", I won't do it. I can sit and stare at it but that's about it. Let say I have 2/10 motivation. I can do spanish and guitar easily because guitar I've always felt determined since I started. Spanish, I good at so it takes little effort. Dr. Biggs class takes 8/10. Noooope. Math is 6/10. NOPE. English depends. But nothing is a 2/10 right now... I can't just say to my teachers, "I don't wanna". I've just been staring at my homework all day. What I have done? Spanish, and guitar. Nothing else. My mom's been nagging and nagging. I just can't do it. My body won't. It's like being yelled at to smile when you're heartbroken or telling a bird with broken wings to fly. You use to be capable but now you just can't. I don't want to explain all the shit going on at school... I tried and gave up. I don't want to go to school and the only thing that keeps me from staying in bed is the danger of my mind. But once I'm in class I consider just letting my mind kill me.
I still have yet to post about what's basically a bunch of bad news but, I'm happy right now so, I'm going to talk about everything.
Well, I just went clothes shopping with my mom and it was really fun and I got some things I've been wanting for a while. I finally got new shoes and shirts. I might post some pictures. Yesterday my mom also bought the rabbits this edible house. They don't fit so, really, it's just to chew and throw around. Doesn't seem super popular right now... If they don't like it then Nibbles and Alya will. Nibbles and ALya got new bedding. Also when I left to go shopping I accidentally left their cage open but, they were just hanging out in the cage when I got home. I know they must've ran around some but the point is that they came back :3
I also found out I really like Hockey. Jackie invited me to go to a game with her and her family Friday after school. I've just never been into sports so, I just said yes so we could hangout. We got some food and her parents paid so that was awesome of them. The hockey game was free for them for some reason I don't remember so Jackie and I kept joking that I was adopted. Her parents got VIP and her older sister Lina, her younger brother Matthew, and us just had regular seats. But I prefer them so, I didn't mind. We were an hour or two early so, we had lot of options and got good seats. Not too close or too far. We didn't finish the game and we probably had another half hour until it'd be over. Our team had 3 scores and the other team had 6. So we weren't doing too great but it was still a blast. Jackie said I was super pink from being so excited. We'd jump up when they scored and yell when the other team did. I had so much adrenaline and was beyond happy. I forgot about all the crap at school and was focused on the game and everything going on. I liked it so much her parents bought me a beanie. Everyone got something under $20. It was black with a little patch of the hockey team's mascot and name. I wore it all day today while shopping. Matthew got a beanie but it had the team colors on it. Jackie got a puck. Lina got a hair bow with the team colors and her mom got a long sleeve shirt with the mascot on it. I kept hugging her parents and thanking them. They dropped me off at home and I kept going on about how fun it was. My dad was really surprised and happy that there's finally a sport I'll watch with him. He's not into it nearly as much as football but he still enjoys watching it when he's at the actual game. I could watch it on tv but it wouldn't be nearly as much fun. It'd just be something while I did work.
Honestly, I've not really wanted to admit it to anyone but I've been extreamly depressed. I was never someone to ask about the meaning of life but now I have. And it's not good. I went and read something that I wrote about a year ago about what I thought about that. "What is life?"
Here's what it said -
What is life?
I never really asked myself this question, nor did I ever wonder what sex was before I learned. Lots of usual questions you asked as a young kid, I didn't. It would take someone to ask me or tell me their theory to get me to think about it. Luckily there wasn't a weird kid at school or wherever, who asked me about "it". I was where it was nicer and social media wasn't a casual thing for a fellow classmate to have in my elementary school. Middle School, when a bunch of us kids got mixed, then it slowly did as us others got use to it. Basically my point is, I got to be more oblivious and it was my love for the internet that got me to learn. My sister, who grew up the same, didn't care for the internet and finds out from being told by family, friends, or school. Getting to the point, I'll tell you my answer to that popular question at the top there.
"What is life?" - I believe everyone has a reason and they most definitely, can be simple. Making others happy, raising a child, "changing the world!". Anything. Overall, making someone happy is a reason for everyone. It can be yourself, family, friends, strangers... At one point, you will make someone happy, which can be yourself (hopefully others too though). You will be in, and affect someone else's life. Negatively, positively, whatever. Your mother's, father's, friend's, or etc.
No. This isn't the purpose for someone, you, me, whoever. That's something for you to find. Learning who you are and what you want to do with your life. How you want to use your talents, personality, opinions, (etc.) to find who you want to let people know you as and be who/what you are.
"The two most important days in your life are the day you are born, and the day you find out why." ~Mark Twain
Reading that has kinda got me to stop thinking so much but, still. I'm not sure if it's just because I'm tired or because I read that. I've been struggling with self-hatred and I don't use the word hatred loosely. There's when I just feel kinda shitty about myself and then that. I've never really dealt with self hatred. Maybe in "that year" but, I don't really remember. I'm always on edge and can't handle too much or else I have to numb. Aka. Sitting and listening to music or humming to myself while thinking about random things that I forget after 2 seconds. I'm starting to wonder if this year is worse than "that year". But, "that year" I felt everything. All the mental and emotional pain. Now, because of that I've learned how to... what I guess is coping. I was also alone, with no friends. I have Jackie close by my side and I have you too. Not sure if I said this already but I have another maladaptive daydream developing and it's all I think about all the time. I don't see Nicki and Damon as much but I see them after school and just here and there during the day. Since it's still developing, I don't have characters and stories down. But, the point is, it developed naturally. As my mind's way of coping. Not me purposely focusing on making another one like I use to talk about.
But if Cynthia came to me and said, "Why are you depressed?" I wouldn't really know. I have a whole bunch of things I'd come up with in hopes it'd make sense. But I wouldn't be able to say, "Because of..." blah. I'd be like, "Well maybe this or that or possibly this other thing..."
My grade in Dr. Biggs class is a C and I feel pretty sure I'm going to fail my next assignment so, I'll be looking forward to an F in his class and watching me constantly lower his standards for me and see the disappointment in his eyes.
What happened in this next assignment is a long story but basically Lisa did the majority of the work and I feel like shit for it. The one last thing I could help with is performing or doing the "speech". Anyone from the school can come if they want. It's in the library so I will probably end up hiding and reading books. I've been following Dr. Biggs around begging him to somehow find an alternative for me. I will have a plan on what to say but I can't when I face him. I just always want to cry about everything but I can't. I don't even get watery eyes or that heavy feeling. I just feel down and wondering if tears could be like medicine. I've been taking my pills so, I can't just be having a low because I'm not taking them.
I feel sure Lisa is pissed at me and me not being able to preform and hiding, won't help.
Well, I didn't start off the week very good.
I just haven't wanted to talk about this but, last time I went to Youth Group, it was horrid. The topic was why to wait til marriage for sex. I can agree with that. But, it was all the same future. Everyone in the room had the same future ahead... Except me. Everyone was going to marry the opposite gender and have babies. YAY! That shouts me, heh? No... Fuck no! Fuck you. They don't mention gay couples of course... It was weird and unrealistic. They told a story about a boy who heard his classmates talking about how this one guy "got lucky" with a girl and were just bragging. Then they ask if he's a virgin or not. He goes off saying the stereotypical Christian crap. No. NO. No normal Christian guy would say that. Plus, he gave the guys no reason. It was just "because". Oh yeah buddy, they're gonna take you serious. People don't work like that. It was just beyond stupid.
Josh asked what I thought. I told him I wasn't a fan. He asked why... There we're people so, I couldn't go full-on rant. I explain the whole thing about being sensitive to touch. Then I said I didn't like the topic. Couldn't bring up the sexuality thing or that'd get me in shit. I didn't want him to assume I thought you shouldn't wait til marriage. I said I didn't agree with something someone said. "Our purpose it to tell others about God". If we all told each other about God, everyone would know and we'd have no purpose and that'd be it. Logical? Nope. Plus, what kind of fucking purpose is that? If you just want us all to do what you want why give us free will? No. Logic. Then they say God loves everyone but if you do this GO TO HELL! Gay people are horrible! Don't fucking curse for fucks sake! Don't use God's name if vein for Christ's sake! WTF
Long story short, Josh low-key accused me of not being Christian. Thanks asshole. I don't want to go there. I don't like anyone but one person, Theresa, who's like triple my age.. I get annoyed. I have to stay up because OH! homework is still a thing. It's a waste of time. They have this craft fair thing and Theresa is making jewelry for it and wants people to come of course. I'll go to support her because she's been so sweet to me. She didn't judge me and let me do what I pleased. She let me leave early without insisting on an explanation.
I told my mom I didn't want to go to church Sunday or Wednesday. She said I had to start going back to church sometime and I got mad. At one point I made the mistake of saying I want to study other religions. Not because I don't believe in Christianity, but because I want to see. Cynthia has a small Buddha statue and I asked if she's a Buddhist and she said no but she likes a lot of things he teaches. She gave some examples that I agreed with but, I don't remember now. Then her never listening to shit, accuses that Cynthia is pushing me away from Christianity. GREAT. Now she's going to be an even bigger bitch about Cynthia. Idk what to do if she tries taking me from Cynthia. Treat to kill myself if she does? IDK. I'm a bit stuck and desperate.
For Halloween, I bought face paint. They only had shitty paint so, I got the stuff that LOOKED good. But it was absolute shit. You know how that ended up.
So, my mom was driving me to Jackie's house and I was listening to the radio. She suddenly turns down the radio and asks me in different wordings, if I identified as a Christian. Half of me wanted to yell no at her in hopes she'd shut up but that'd be worse. I got very angry and just wanted to get out of the car. But she did this when we were like a fourth way there. She kept touching my hand asking if I love her and saying she loves me and asking how I was and I said I didn't want to talk. Then she asks why. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID? WTF. I kept trying to say things to get her to shut up but nothing works. Not even the silent treatment. I wanted to cry and just hide in Jackie's bathroom. I got to Jackie's and my mom even stayed a bit. Ugh ugh ugh. She finally leaves and we take Jackie's brother trick-or-treating. Jackie never even ate any candy and she ends up barfing multiple times. She kept coughing too. SO MUCH. Id didn't know what to do. How could I help? I just let her be and went home when we were done. Jackie couldn't come to school today. I hope she will tomorrow but chances are low.
Today I just felt... bad. I was really depressed and I've been taking my pills regularly so I can't blame them. I just want to stay and be left alone but recently I've kinda just decided I'm going to work for my future to be good. So, if I'm miserable, I won't worry about it as long as my grades are good. Life is going to be a bitch until I'm out of this house.
I'm not sure if I'll want much to do with my mom. Maybe my dad. He's learned that we'll never get along if he just yells at me that he hates who I am. Last big fight we had was "that year" and I was yelling at him that he should've adopted if he wanted to pick his kid and that I know he hates who I am and that he doesn't have to tell me. It was in public too. So that was great. We don't fight like that anymore. He ignores when he doesn't like something about me or he doesn't yell at me and talks to me in a kind but firm voice. We won't be best friends if we live in the same house but if I have my own place, he'd be awesome to have around. Help design areas for my pets. Help paint a room. Etc.
So there were conferences today. My mom, sister, and I went to see all my teachers. It's basically where we see what's up and they can talk about any concerns, etc.
Dr. Biggs, he was very nice and polite but, he was just disappointed... My writing is nothing like it used to be. It's looks like I'm just trying to get by. I won't work with other students. I'm pouting. Assignments are late. My confidence is shit. I over-analyze to the point I can't do things. Etc.
I just went on about how things are just bad. I gave detail. One detail I never realized I was feeling... Because of my anger, my friends are kind of distancing themselves from me. Not a whole lot but, enough that I see it. They sit with me at lunch and everything but, they know something is off and that I'm just angry all the time.
I told him, I know I'm going downhill. I just can't function correctly. Things aren't okay as much as I want them to be. I've numbed in a strange way. It's complicated, please just be patient with me. I think a new daydream is developing. I don't trust people and am just scared. I can't do shit and I feel pathetic.
All that sugar coded and more explained. My teachers now just understand, things are hard right now and I have no fucking clue what to do. But, they can't lighten work or whatever. I didn't expect them to. This means they understand what's up and are very willing to work with me.
I just want to bawl my eyes out but, Idk if I can. I'm caught up with homework but I don't do it the same. I'm not what I used to be. I'm not capable of what I use to be. I'm just making my way downhill into the dumps. I feel pathetic and I just want to lay in bed until things are okay.
So, I'm just going to get through what happened. Honestly, idek what I want to write but, I'll just see what slips out if I type without thinking much.
My dad and I went but my sister didn't because of homework. Honestly, I had lots of homework I needed to get done but, I promised Josh and didn't want to have him searching for me and think I bailed out on him. So, I didn't have someone to guide me thought what exactly to expect and etc. My dad showed me the room his group was in and then walked me back to the gym (yes, our church has a gym. It's weird.) It was like the gym at school but, not all this weird sports equipment and not as nice. There were hoops for basketball and this other game I didn't recognize. It had a big frame that separated to make squares that people would stand in and they were throwing around a ball. I didn't get to observe that much to understand the game. All teens were together and leaders too. All in the gym. The other half of the gym had a curtain and we'd go behind the curtain in Sunday School, or whatever. That's basically where Josh preached. Josh introduced me to a girl who was a year older than me named... I forgot. But she introduced me to a girl Cami, Kalie, Trinity, and Kalie (yes, they had the same names), and these other girls. There was also two girls, Savannah and Lily who we're annoying. I'll explain later. In our group was about 12 girls and 4 leaders. I think. One leader Theresa stuck with me. She was definitely older but, very sweet. She had long, very blonde hair, was wearing a bit of makeup, and pink jewelry she had made. She liked my necklace and asked if I made it. I told her I didn't and she said she made her jewelry so, she always pays attention to people's jewelry. She asked what I liked to do and all that. After Josh made an announcement about upcoming events, we prayed. This was fine but we had to hold hands and I'm sensitive to touch in certain situations. You know my little stress twitches? I tried my best not to do those and I didn't, thankfully. We then went upstairs to a fairly big room. We sat in a circle, some people got chairs, most just sat on the ground. I sat on the ground, Theresa sat in a chair. She said, every month, we bring cake to celebrate people's birthdays who are on that month. So, everyone had chocolate cake except for me who declined the offer. I have a weird fear or anxiety eating in front of people unless I have a friend eating with me. One leader, Amanda, held up a toilet paper roll and said for everyone to take off some toilet paper. However much we wanted. Of course, girls asked about if it was clean and Amanda said it was straight out of the package. People talked about remembering this game. They spoiled it saying, the game was where people would take an amount of toilet paper and had to say an interesting fact about themselves for every piece that they took. I took one piece and placed it away from me. We went in a circle and I said, "Uhm... I have two snakes and two bunnies..(?)" They asked the stereotypical dumb questions like if i kept the snakes around the bunnies and if the snakes would hurt the bunnies and etc. Cause you know, snakes are so horrifically terrible and dangerous. I listened to everyone but, put my head down so that my hair obscured my face a bit. I kept my hands folded and tried not twitching too much but did a few times. I observed the room too. It had all white walls except for the red wall I was facing. It was my favorite shade of red so, I liked it. There were posters and a whiteboard that we didn't use. One leader, I forgot her name, said a story and we all talked about it. Well, not me, of course. It was about change and feeling afraid. I was wearing makeup and kinda caked my foundation on because I knew I'd be nervous and turn very pink without foundation on. And a good amount of it. I did my usual hint of blush, contouring, and highlighting, though. I put some green and brown eyeshadow on. I did my eyebrows but also put some lines in the bald part of my eyebrow using liquid liner. Wasn't sure if I liked that look or not but, I wore it anyways. I still don't know if I like it or not. Then I did mascara but, went ahead and skipped lipstick since my eye makeup was strong. I have some close up pictures of my eye makeup. But anyways, they got onto girls wearing too much makeup and trying to be what they're not. But, what one girl described as a girl who always changed her makeup, it sounded like that girl was just having fun. Girls who insist on wearing makeup everyday and the makeup is always the same, those are the ones who most likely want to change things about them. I always have my eyebrows done but, other than that, I don't always wear makeup. But yeah, that was kind of annoying. Lily (church Lily, not my friend Lily), was annoying because she just loved herself so much. She always wanted the spotlight on her by interrupting people and then talked about how she was popular and adjusted in any school or social situation. She thought she was a funny person too. I just let her think that but in reality, she was obnoxious, not funny. It was annoying to listen to. Savannah, she was just an obnoxious person. Other girls seemed fine but, not like people I'd be good friends with. At the end, we crossed our arms and held hands as we prayed, I held hands with Theresa and Savannah. At the end, you're supposed to turn around so that your arms uncrossed and let go. I tried letting go right after we all said "Amen" bun Savannah squeezed my hand to tell me we weren't done. That's when we did the spinny thing and I went the wrong way and ruined it but, I was just happy not to be holding hands anymore. Then, I want down and sat where it was dark, but with dim lighting. No one was sitting there like me but, people passed through. My dad's class was still going so, that's why I waited there. I just wanted to be left alone. I remembered something that I'll talk about when my laptop battery isn't low... But only one person really acknowledged my presence in there. He was a boy who I think was in the Youth Group thing but, idk for fact. He looked my age though. He smiled at me on his way outside and I smiled back. We both did fake ones. He said Hi to my when he came back in and I said Hi back. He continued to walk to wherever his destination was. Then I heard Josh asking where I was but, I ignored it. One person found me and said my dad was looking for me. So, I ran over to him. Josh asked what I thought about it and I gave a kinda sarcastic smile that said, "I didn't like it but, I don't know how to say that nicely and honestly, I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk at all, really." He said, "Is that your nice way of saying you weren't a fan?" I nodded and he said, "Ok, you can just talk to your dad about it. See you Sunday?" I nodded but, if I were honest, I'd have shaken my head.
I told my mom and dad about it but was brief.
Also, with homework, I've stayed up the whole night and still have work. I'll be going to school late too... Life is being a bitch.
To make sure this makes sense (at least a bit), I'm going to explain how my church works first.
So, Sundays, there is "Service" which is like where there's the like... top pastor(..?), and mostly people 18+ are there. He's like who we know as the pastor, but many people do similar work..That's also where we sing the christian songs and get the peaches from the pastor, etc.
Then there's the kids, 4-11 who have their own class where they learn bible stories and do projects. Then 12-17 (I think...) who has the "youth pastor". I've never gotten to know him because I was always with my parents in Service. Last year, I went to "youth group" here and there but, I hated it so, that was near when I said I was done going to church for a while. There's also Wednesday nights where they do youth group, some groups for adults that learn about specific things (idk what), and then the groups for kids. it turns out the youth group pastor has been asking about me since I left church. "Where's Bri?", and she told him I'm guessing so, he'd always ask that I come. Nuh-uh. My mom never told me he asked, I just thought she wanted me to go. Well, recently, my mom has told me he wants me to come to Wednesday nights. Last Sunday, my dad said he'd take me to the movies and get me a coloring book I'd been wanting. Which I ended up getting two but, anyways... This was because Josh, the youth pastor, wanted to talk to me. He did and he basically told me about that and how I've been on his list for a while and he was practically begging I come to Wednesday night. I will. My mom wants me to try a couple times at least. Hopefully he'll pay extra attention to me since I'll probably be awkward and wanting to leave. I won't be trusting anyone. Maybe him a bit because, I kinda have to but, yeah. That'll be fun...
I'll update this later on how it goes. Wish me luck. And sorry I explained so bad, I'm in a hurry to get to bed, tbh x3
Well, I've been needing to update.
So, I don't remember whether I told you or not but, Cynthia...
I had seen her both the 19th and 26th. She's going on a trip so, I won't be seeing her for a bit. I don't remember how long. A few weeks..? Yeah, idk.
So, she actually told me how dangerous it is to just flat out stop taking my pills. It'll make me randomly depressed, irritable and in some cases it's gotten people depressed to the point of suicide. I told her I'd get back to taking them, but I've been horrible about it.
Today we had school off so, my day was filled with sleeping, eating, and youtube videos. Yeah, I'm a really healthy person, I know x3
Aaron and I called and I haven't actually heard his voice for a while. All text really. His voice is different so, I just started cracking up and was the entire call. He didn't warn me so, I couldn't help it. Idek how that happened but, it was hilarious. I felt kinda nauseous though (like, my stomach was just off), so I struggled to talk to him. I just had all these weird brainfarts and was spacing out. I hadn't talked to anyone the whole doy (or it was just brief stuff, like I didn't have an actual conversation that wasn't just text). I told him that there was some shit with my psychiatrist so, he wouldn't ask why I was acting weird. He said I was really quite near the beginning of the call but then he realized I was just trying to hide the fact that I was still laughing at him. We only called for like 10 minutes because his parents were bringing a nice dinner, so we didn't have to deal with my awkwardness too long. But at the same time, I kinda wish we could still talk. I don't really realize that I miss someone so much until I hear their voice. I bet it'll be like that with Jade too. Her and Aaron are the only ones I don't see all the time since we don't go to the same schools. I need to talk to Jade but, honestly, I just don't feel like it. If they contact me, I like it but, I just don't do it if it's up to me. Even seeing that I missed Aaron, I still would need him to start the conversation if he wants to hangout or call.
Welp...(half and hour later)
For some reason I really wanted some alcohol but, not just flat out wine or something, So, I had a pina colada with whiskey. Yeah, I know it's supposed to be rum but, I couldn't find it and was too lazy. Most people would find that gross but, I didn't mind it. It was actually quite good but, I only put a little. I do feel a small buzz but, I act normal. I sneaked it without anyone knowing and my sister didn't notice at all. The only way someone would know is my breath. I tried just taking a shot of whiskey but, holy shit...Not the best idea for a newb to alcohol. But at the same time, I'd do it again if I was with friends. But yeah... I feel like barfing so, I'll continue this later. If I remember what I was going to say...
Something to do with pets.
"Some days life is all about your dreams, hopes and visions for the future. But there are some days where life is just about putting one foot in front of the other. And that's okay."