Well, I didn't start off the week very good.
I just haven't wanted to talk about this but, last time I went to Youth Group, it was horrid. The topic was why to wait til marriage for sex. I can agree with that. But, it was all the same future. Everyone in the room had the same future ahead... Except me. Everyone was going to marry the opposite gender and have babies. YAY! That shouts me, heh? No... Fuck no! Fuck you. They don't mention gay couples of course... It was weird and unrealistic. They told a story about a boy who heard his classmates talking about how this one guy "got lucky" with a girl and were just bragging. Then they ask if he's a virgin or not. He goes off saying the stereotypical Christian crap. No. NO. No normal Christian guy would say that. Plus, he gave the guys no reason. It was just "because". Oh yeah buddy, they're gonna take you serious. People don't work like that. It was just beyond stupid.
Josh asked what I thought. I told him I wasn't a fan. He asked why... There we're people so, I couldn't go full-on rant. I explain the whole thing about being sensitive to touch. Then I said I didn't like the topic. Couldn't bring up the sexuality thing or that'd get me in shit. I didn't want him to assume I thought you shouldn't wait til marriage. I said I didn't agree with something someone said. "Our purpose it to tell others about God". If we all told each other about God, everyone would know and we'd have no purpose and that'd be it. Logical? Nope. Plus, what kind of fucking purpose is that? If you just want us all to do what you want why give us free will? No. Logic. Then they say God loves everyone but if you do this GO TO HELL! Gay people are horrible! Don't fucking curse for fucks sake! Don't use God's name if vein for Christ's sake! WTF
Long story short, Josh low-key accused me of not being Christian. Thanks asshole. I don't want to go there. I don't like anyone but one person, Theresa, who's like triple my age.. I get annoyed. I have to stay up because OH! homework is still a thing. It's a waste of time. They have this craft fair thing and Theresa is making jewelry for it and wants people to come of course. I'll go to support her because she's been so sweet to me. She didn't judge me and let me do what I pleased. She let me leave early without insisting on an explanation.
I told my mom I didn't want to go to church Sunday or Wednesday. She said I had to start going back to church sometime and I got mad. At one point I made the mistake of saying I want to study other religions. Not because I don't believe in Christianity, but because I want to see. Cynthia has a small Buddha statue and I asked if she's a Buddhist and she said no but she likes a lot of things he teaches. She gave some examples that I agreed with but, I don't remember now. Then her never listening to shit, accuses that Cynthia is pushing me away from Christianity. GREAT. Now she's going to be an even bigger bitch about Cynthia. Idk what to do if she tries taking me from Cynthia. Treat to kill myself if she does? IDK. I'm a bit stuck and desperate.
For Halloween, I bought face paint. They only had shitty paint so, I got the stuff that LOOKED good. But it was absolute shit. You know how that ended up.
So, my mom was driving me to Jackie's house and I was listening to the radio. She suddenly turns down the radio and asks me in different wordings, if I identified as a Christian. Half of me wanted to yell no at her in hopes she'd shut up but that'd be worse. I got very angry and just wanted to get out of the car. But she did this when we were like a fourth way there. She kept touching my hand asking if I love her and saying she loves me and asking how I was and I said I didn't want to talk. Then she asks why. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID? WTF. I kept trying to say things to get her to shut up but nothing works. Not even the silent treatment. I wanted to cry and just hide in Jackie's bathroom. I got to Jackie's and my mom even stayed a bit. Ugh ugh ugh. She finally leaves and we take Jackie's brother trick-or-treating. Jackie never even ate any candy and she ends up barfing multiple times. She kept coughing too. SO MUCH. Id didn't know what to do. How could I help? I just let her be and went home when we were done. Jackie couldn't come to school today. I hope she will tomorrow but chances are low.
Today I just felt... bad. I was really depressed and I've been taking my pills regularly so I can't blame them. I just want to stay and be left alone but recently I've kinda just decided I'm going to work for my future to be good. So, if I'm miserable, I won't worry about it as long as my grades are good. Life is going to be a bitch until I'm out of this house.
I'm not sure if I'll want much to do with my mom. Maybe my dad. He's learned that we'll never get along if he just yells at me that he hates who I am. Last big fight we had was "that year" and I was yelling at him that he should've adopted if he wanted to pick his kid and that I know he hates who I am and that he doesn't have to tell me. It was in public too. So that was great. We don't fight like that anymore. He ignores when he doesn't like something about me or he doesn't yell at me and talks to me in a kind but firm voice. We won't be best friends if we live in the same house but if I have my own place, he'd be awesome to have around. Help design areas for my pets. Help paint a room. Etc.
"Some days life is all about your dreams, hopes and visions for the future. But there are some days where life is just about putting one foot in front of the other. And that's okay."