But, I can't. I haven't even been taking my pills and, I can't cry. I just whimper and struggle to breath while trying to get myself to just let it out. Just let the anger and frustration escape through my tears. Why can't I cry? It doesn't make sense. I haven't been taking my pills for days and I can't cry.
I feel like crying for the smallest things because I'm holding so much in, everything feels like it's going to break me. I can't handle anything. Shiloh shit on me and I started doing the weird whimper/sobbing shit and keeping myself from hurting her in the slightest way. "Just gently pick her up, pet her, put her in her terrarium and remind yourself not to hurt what you love."
Even if I wanted to give myself time to heal whatever has me wounded, and take a break from school or something my mother won't let me. There's no way. Plus, she just makes it worse too. It's my birthday and she's yelled at me multiple times. Yelled at me at the party, and my actual birthday. Ask to miss school, up my pills, anything like that..? I don't have to guts to do right now. I have a big-ish assignment from Dr.Biggs and Idk how I'm going to get myself to do it. Even if I do, I'd have no clue what to do. And it's not like writing where you can help me. It's about something we've been studying. He's already giving me an "extension" where he's giving me extra time. He's given me 6 days which is already insane. He also isn't making me get in front of the class. He said he'd give me the extension if I gave a good product. He knows I usually would. Usually. I feel like such a piece of shit. I broke a glass bottle today and something told me to keep one of the glass pieces and I washed it then hid it in a towel. I think I know why I kept it now. I'll do my best to stay away from it but, for some reason I can't throw it away.
I'm sick of being like this because I want to be able to support you and help Aaron and just things be okay for everyone. I'm just angry all the time and quick to have random breakdowns. I have a great chance to be doing so well in school but, I'm ruining it for myself. Things could be perfect right now. I have my pets I love. School is giving me this big chance of being goodin math and spanish, unlike last year.
I can see I'm over-eating too. Nicki and Damon are gone right now. This is weird but, I can't help but wish I could hug one of them right now. Or just have a real hug. You know those hugs where you can feel someone's warmth and it's like everything just feels okay? I don't think I've even felt one but, know what it is.
"Some days life is all about your dreams, hopes and visions for the future. But there are some days where life is just about putting one foot in front of the other. And that's okay."