So, lately I'd just been really angry at people for little things and was extreamly irritable all the time. I wouldn't respond to emails or text/calls, hated my drawings, slept all the time, and wasn't paying attention to my health. I was practically mad at my daydreams for a bit but at the same time felt like they were all I wanted. I didn't understand why I was acting like this... I was being bitchy about Aaron and another friend of mine, and constantly canceling on my friends and even my girlfriend. I just felt shitty and constantly thought about upping my pills. I had no clue what was going on and blamed it on depression. But, I always have a reason to be depressed...
Yesterday, Aaron had texted me something random and I read it (it will tell him if the message was read or not so he could see I did) but didn't respond. It was the type of thing I would usually respond to. Around 8:00pm, he texted me, "Hello?". That was weird for him, It was usually a simple, "Hey". I responded. He just talked about an injury he got. I was actually mad at him, and I didn't have a good reason to be. I randomly said something like, "Lately I've felt sick and I don't know what to do...". He texted back asking if I could further explain but I ignored it. I didn't read it yet though. I felt like the best thing I could do was just cry. I couldn't. I tried so hard. So, I tried thinking of sad things and still couldn't do it. My eyes felt heavy but no tears would fall. I then decided that maybe hearing my thoughts out loud would do it. I don't remember what I first said but I started crying after hearing it come out of my mouth. I kept telling myself random things. I didn't even think them through, they just came out naturally. After getting myself to just let things go, by saying things out loud and not thinking about it, I figured out why I was acting so weird. There were multiple things but one stood out; Abandonment. It seems that I felt like people who really knew me, left or just put space between us. Which is why I don't want to let my emotional issues show. This also might've been my mind yelling at me not to show it to Aaron like I almost did. About an hour later I texted him asking if he was still there.
Aaron : Yeah... What's up?
Me : I figured out why I'm sick. I'll take care of it tomorrow. Sorry about that.
Aaron : Oh, don't worry about it. All ok?
I told him yes and asked about yesterday and what made him think I was mad. It turned out he was joking/stalling and was just coincidence that I was actually mad. By the way, I think things aren't weird for Aaron but he still seems distracted. I'll ask him about it but he probably is just busy and multitasking. I do that too sometimes so, I'll stop being paranoid about it.
When crying, here's what I remember going through my mind other than what I've already said. I wasn't what my family wanted and will never be what they wanted. I stress my mom and disappoint my dad. My sister looks at herself to be above me. People think I'm a freak. Not the good kind. I'm crazy and delusional. When school starts, they'll try to control me. Corner me like an animal. Rumors will spread about me. I will lose Lilly. Aaron is catching on and thinks I'm mental or an attention whore. That's what I get for letting it show. My girlfriend doesn't actually know my issues. I won't let her any time soon. All my "talents" are worthless and I'm not even good at them. My daydreams aren't real and they will never be. The people who keep me alive aren't even real.
I had actually missed a few days of my pills even with my alarm. I don't know how my dumbass did that but, I'll be sure to start taking them regularly again. I will see my therapist the 14th. Yeah, she'll be getting quite the update. I might need help gathering what I need to talk about. I'd hate to forget anything -
Aaron and the Spirit
School & Control
Anything else you think I should talk to her about? My mind is slow right now so, I feel pretty sure I'm going to miss something.
"Some days life is all about your dreams, hopes and visions for the future. But there are some days where life is just about putting one foot in front of the other. And that's okay."