Bri's Blog Page
I can't sleep.
I can't get something off my mind.
I feel like I practically have different personalities but, not multiple personality disorder. Well more like different parts to my "personality". The way I act in front of one person may be completely different from the way I act around another person. This is why I'm picky (sometimes) about the name I go by with certain people. With my family, I'm Briana. With my friends at school, I'm Bri. Online it can vary from me being called Bree, Bre, Lillah, or etc. If my mom called me Lillah all the sudden, I'd feel extreamly disturbed. If an online friend called me Briana, I'd feel horrifically disturbed.
I was talking to a friend (online) and I just wasn't acting right. Not for them at least. They asked if I was okay and I said I was fine and asked what made them worry. They said they had a feeling that something was off but had that feeling with most of their friends for some reason and not to worry about it. So, I commented on what my theories for it were and then just let it go. Looking back, I wasn't acting right. Not at all... I recognized it, though. I was thinking a lot about my daydreaming. (I'm not sure what it would be called so, I'll just go with MPAL) That MPAL was the denial that my daydreams are only daydreams. Damon isn't real... I don't exactly think they're real but, I don't think they aren't either. I don't like to at least.
I have another MPAL that's just a crap ton of humor. This is my MPAL that my friends (school) know. I make weird noises, voices, jokes, faces, and etc. I can't take much seriously. Having a fight with this MPAL is impossible.
Then there's the one I favor. I'm very studious and love to learn. I am honest. I want you to know me, and me to know you. I want to trust you, and you to trust me.
The last two are my main ones. If I'm in a relationship and they know both, that means we're quite close. If they only know the last one, we're still pretty close. The second-to-last one is okay. We're not super close but, it's still a nice relationship.
This worries me because, if I go by one name, it's hard explaining why. Like Lillah isn't my middle, first or last name. I have a daydreaming character Lillah, but in most cases, it has nothing to do with her.
I've been having some identity issues with this lately. I have many little MPALs but, the last two are my main ones. The first was a recent example of the smaller ones. This might sound like I'm just being dramatic but, I know it just isn't normal.
I don't understand it, don't have a name for it, and don't know how to handle it...
"Some days life is all about your dreams, hopes and visions for the future. But there are some days where life is just about putting one foot in front of the other. And that's okay."