Bri's Blog Page
We talked about serious stuff (self harm, suicidal or negative thoughts) that I could never talk to Cynthia about. I'm so use to joking with her a lot, so becoming serious feels so hard. I actually wanted to avoid it with Dr. Berson but, he was just soaking everything up and having me dig for why I did it, and what was going on in my head. I was shaking a lot but, I knew it was good for me. Cynthia shows emotion which I love about her but I guess it has it's cons. Dr. Berson is very serious (except for small jokes but, he is good about staying on topic) which will have it's cons too. I like having them both because I feel more confortable talking about certain things to each of them.
At one point he asked if I knew why my mom wanted me to see him. I just thought it was because we didn't like my previous psychiatrist (idk what I called her before). That was true but he said my mom also thought I wasn't improving with Cynthia. I explained to him how she's helped and he said we should bring in my mom to discuss this with her. I was hesitant but, he gave me some time and asked if I'd be okay with it and if not, then why. I said that I didn't want to get too off topic but was okay with her coming in. He seemed to finally get it in her head something Cynthia and I have been trying to tell her for months. I guess it comming from two therapist finally did it. I think my mom also isn't very respectful of Cynthia :\
She thinks because I "isolate" myself in my room, I'm depressed and that it's bad for me, blah blah blah. He confirmed what Cynthia and I have been saying this whole time.
1. "Isolating" myself doesn't equal depression
2. (I'm sick of puting quotes so, you get the point) I isolate myself because there's nothing better to do with the family.
3. It's part of my personality. I'm like a cat. Fuck off until I suddenly decide I want to hang out with you then gtfo again. Unless I have some special connection with you (like I do Jackie), that's just how it is. And I don't have that connection with the family and the possibility I will is very small (and not there at all, if you ask me)
4. It's not all my fault. When it comes to this topic, there's nothing wrong with me. A lot of it is actually the family, not all me. Stop placing all the blame on me, shit stain.
Out of all the things; my grades going down, emotional breakdowns, etc, you pick such a stupid topic first? He pointed that out too.
He is muuuuch older but very intellegent and nice.
Well, my left ear is very good :3 I barely hurt to stretch them to the next sizes. My 2nd earlobe piercings are more sensitive so, they're a size behind. I need one more size up on them, then I'm done. My 1st earlobe piercing is at 6g and my second is at 10g (and I want it at 8g).
My right ear isn't doing too great, but it's not horific. It's not like I'll be losing my earlobe, haha. I think I just tore my earlobe a bit when my 1st earlobe piercing was going to 6g. I didn't even know it was that bad at first. I just got it in and left the tappers in while I slept. I felt the pain after the tappers we're through completely and I was like, "Fuck..." I just hopped it would magically be okay somehow. My left ear stung a bit and the right one hurt more than just a sting when I touched it. I thought it might've been bad I left the tappers in and thought it'd feel better to put in tunnels.
(This is random but the plugs are actually more comfortable, but they're not the EXACT same size and the tapers and tunnels so, if the ears are sensitive it might hurt to put them in. But, it's fine when they're healed)
I felt my right ear was wet when I took it out and saw blood on my fingers so, I held tissue to it for a minute. I then cleaned it and am just leaving out the tunnels for however long it takes to heal. Once it does, I'll probably have to start over.
Lesson learned for stretching too quick. It just kinda depends on the ear and person I guess. My left is great but for some reason my right needs more healing time.
Well, I go back on Thursday. I'm probably going to cry Wednesday night, haha. Hopefully the first day back goes okay.
So, I've already told some of these but some not in much detail at all. If it's the same, I'll probably copy paste but might add details and change the name to their real name. I won't change their name if you already know them as something too well (like Jackie, Emily, Jess, etc).Most of this won't be in order...
I was really little. She was one of my first best friends. Her and another girl Karla.
My sister was probably around ten years old. Nella was at our house. I don't remember what we were playing but, at one point my sister got her interested in something else. I waited for a little while until I got impatient and asked for Nella to play something else with me. She didn't. I had what was actually an anxiety attack. I was in my parents room on the ground breathing really hard and crying. Because of that, I must've had abandonment issues prior to this.
I was in first or second grade and I was like the smartest kid in class. My mom always focused on teaching me spelling, math, etc. I loved learning and was actually jealous of my sister who got to learn things before me, but hated it. I've always wished we could switch times of birth. Even then. I was finally learning and so happy. Then, my parents found out that my sister was dyslexic. This was okay, but she needed extra help. My mom would spend hours helping her with work I could've done in 20 minutes. I was now doing homework on my own and my grades dropped. Luckily, I got use to it. I'm actually now very independent with work because of that.
This one isn't specific. Every birthday I had, spotlight was on my sister. I never had a single friend who paid attention to me. My sister was always better than me. This even happens now sometimes. But, Jackie and Emily always stick with me like glue. Most of my friends do actually. But there's always a few who don't but it doesn't bother me so much because I don't feel so alone.
He was my best friend for two years. He and another girl named Keira. They were both my friends but we all got along. But then she moved and Nic and I didn't have any classes together. He and Keira always distracted me from any issues. I lost my bestfriends and became really depressed. I'd also changed over the summer. Our friendship had noooo hope. We became too different.
I still go to school with him. He hasn't changed a bit and I'm no where near the same person. I feel really bad about it sometimes :\
Zack had a girlfriend when I first met him. Something happened that he wouldn't talk to me about with her... I knew she broke up with him but, the story, I didn't. Zack was very depressed and I always tried my best to help him. After a while, I just couldn't. I didn't know what to do. It just got worse. He then one day came to me happy. I was excited that he was better... Zack now had a boyfriend. I didn't know what his sexuality was, so I was somewhat surprised. I didn't really care about that, though. I was worried about another bad breakup. Basically we argued and he decided he wanted nothing to do with me.
We talked for years and he helped me through really shitty times. Chase started talking to me less regularly but, I just excused it. Just school, I guessed. He would disappear for long periods of time, just to return. But, one "long period" was him actually just being gone. Like two years later he returned but was different and we didn't connect at all. I don't know what happened to him.
He actually returned again. I asked what happened and he said he was "too mature for me". Or something weird like that. I don't think he'll return again and I'm hoping he doesn't. He seems like he's turned into a weirdo. I think he might've gotten into drugs.
Parker was actually in a different state. We'd talk every here and there. I'd talk to him about emotional struggles sometimes because, I knew he couldn't tell anyone. But we mostly played games together. He also beatboxed and whenever I wouldn't answer to something or would "be in the zone", he'd start beatboxing my name, haha. But yeah, he randomly stoped answering messages. Haven't talked to him in.. Idek, 2 years..?
Jess: (part one)
So, this story gets complicated. I'd need to read my old diary to know details but I just might've thrown it out...
Her and I would constantly fight over stupid shit. Something got us in a huge fight. I became friends with a girl who was basically her enemy, Emma. Emma-ny, hehe. Ok, I'm sorry. I tried constantly for them to make up. They'd just kinda deal with each other. Jess broke her arm and suddenly she just started to act different. Emma started hanging out with other people and I didn't care for them so, I started hanging out with other girls. Fiona, Madison, and Sidney. At first, it was just Jess, Fiona, and I. Jess didn't like her and said she felt like the third wheel. I couldn't just tell Fiona to fuck off so, I didn't do anything about it. She decided to leave and went with the popular group and it annoyed Emma and I how she was acting. Well, actually, I think it annoyed me but Emma used it as a reason to have me turn on Jess (they hated each other that much that their only goal was to hurt the other). Emma didn't even hang out with jess, Fiona and I so, she had no reason to even care, really. Jess became friends with this girl Ari and would always try rubbing it in my face that Ari was her best friend. Jess and I had another huge fight and ignored eachother. The summer, Emma and I hung out, but Jess and I never spoke a word to each other. So, Jess and I turned on each other, and Emma and I would gossip about Jess. This was during "that year" so, my decisions were horrible. No rumors were spread though. We'd just be mean girls behind her back. It was fucked up, I know. This continued the next school year.
Idek what happened. She just stopped answering. But, she had a bad personality so, I'm not sad about it anymore. I never had to guts to approch her at school but now we're at different school so, I don't have to deal with her anymore.
Jess: (part two)
I relized that what I was doing was really wrong. I called Jess and apologized about everything and asked if we could basically make up. Jess said she didn't want to talk anymore. I tried constantly to reach out to her. A lady who was very big in my life, Betty, was just honest with me. She just gave me a big dose of reality. But then, I got random hatred towards Jess. I felt hurt. I hung out with Fiona's group but then she moved and I hung out with a girl Ashley's group. Well, I tried anyways. The other girls decided they didn't like me. But then one of their "group members" left and suddenly the other girl welcomed me in. Her and I were in this club together and she decided she liked me. So, Jess and I never talked that year. Last year and this year, I can tell she wants to kinda fix things. Remember when I invited her to go to the mall with me and planned to talk about all this, but the mall closed? Should I try again or leave things be? The thing about Jess that worries me is that her style changes so much. Like she doesn't know who she is. I'm not sure if I want to get caught up in that. But, what if she now knows who she is now? She seems way less dramatic. Like she's kinda figured things out like I have. But maybe I need to be honest with her and might just even ask her about that too.
Sam and Mary:
Tbh, I just don't want to edit this. I think you know the whole story with that shit.
Sam, I was closest with, but Mary was her best friend and us two got along so, I talked to Mary every here and there. It turned out, Sam had a crush on me. She admitted it while I was with my, at the time girlfriend so, I just politely said that I was in a relationship. Then, my girlfriend and I were having issues and she again said, she liked me. I told her the same thing and that my girlfriend and I were just on a break. Then, I broke it off with, my at the time girlfriend. Sam, again asked. I said yes. Sam then, stopped talking to me after a few months of me saying yes to dating her. I didn't know what happened. I just decided she and I were done since she just left me. A few months later I found myself in a relationship. Sam found out and was pissed. I reminded her about how she just left. She said it was because her parents didn't know and it was "against her religion." I was mad at her, telling her she shouldn't have asked in the first place then. In the end, Sam and Mary stopped talking to me because I apparently "broke Sam's heart".
You know Alex from DFT.com? Well, before you came on, he was like the happiest person ever. He responded to everyone's posts. And I mean EVERYONE'S. But then, I guess depression hit him and he wasn't the same after that.
Besty is my sister. Well, you know her name now, haha. Idk how I've talked about her so much with her just being "my sister".
Believe it or not, her and I use to be like best friends. Well, kinda... I just kinda ignored things as I was a little kid but I guess the anger built up.
I don't want to do detail on this but, she'd lie A LOT. I remeber my dad had these army men. A shit ton. He had them since he was a kid. You could see some where he put "battle wounds" like bullet shots using red paint. I think one guy even lost a head... But anyways, they were really nice. I was known as the girly girl and my sister the tomboy. I actually really liked "boy toys" too but my sister never let me touch them. She lied that my dad said I couldn't play with the army men. I believed this for years when one day I came to my dad crying asking why I couldn't play with the army men or legos (she'd lie about those too) and he was just really confused.
My parents never punished her. But if you were to reverse it, I'd get punished a lot. If I lied like she did, I'd have one bruised ass (my parents punnished my spanking when we were kids (it was only like one slap but, my sister lied a lot so, 1 slap per lie and 1,000 lies... You do the math)).
I've mentioned this before. She use to hit me a lot. I'd sometimes accidentally bump her or something like that and she'd elbow me in the jaw. I got elbowed a lot and, idk if you've been elbowed before, but it hurts. She'd punch me, kick me. I'd get cornered a lot. She'd randomly decide it was funny to wrestle me too. I don't remember it hurting that much though unless she'd pin me in uncomfortable postitions or pin my face to the ground.
I've mentioned this before too. Hopefully you remember it too because I don't want type it up.
Those are all the big ones. The ones that really stick in my mind.
I think Jess and Parker kinda affected me worst when it comes to what I was talking about on the "Aaron" post.
I want to make this quick so... Hopefully I succeed, haha
I don't think Aaron and my friendship is doing too well. Neither of us are ANYTHING like we were when we first met. He's different because of his girlfriends or crushes and school. I'm different because of my emotional and mental crap. I feel like I'm talking to a different person and he probably thinks the same of me. I feel bad but not too bad because he's changed too. When we text, 1. it's only because he texted first, 2. it's always awkward and breif, 3. it always takes a while before he responds
We called today and it.. Uh.. Yeah, it was fucking horrid ._.
I didn't say anything unless he did and he wasn't sure wtf to talk about. I think we were both excited to finally call (it's been a while...) but then we actually did and it was like, "Oh... This is shit." He was able to escape the awkwardness by saying he had to take a shower. He said he'd call back but it's been at least 2 hours. I think we're both glad he made the excuse and "forgot" to call back.
All he talks about is his girlfriend and all I talk about is feeling like shit. I think he's sick of the depressing topics I pick, and I'm sick of his "head over heals" topics he picks.
I'm tempted to just talk about the situation to him. See what he says... Because our friendship is not improving. If anything, it's getting worse.
But, I'm worried he'll think I like him... I'd probably just tell him I do have a girlfriend so not to think the situation to be something it's not.
Well, I messaged Aaron. I just really didn't feel like messaging him but then he messaged me so, I decided to go ahead and do it. Then, I realized I didn't know what to say. After just typing without thinking, I got it. Here's what I sent him...
Aaron: Dang. That must've taken forever to write ya dork. Sorry I haven't been able to talk as much. My life got serious and I haven't been as able to let everything go and have fun talks.
Me: Thanks :3 (I was thanking him for calling me a dork) It's fine, I understand. I'm just kinda stumped how to kinda... eh, patch things up. Not sure how to word things, I'm tired.
Aaron: It'll all work out
So, I'm kinda having a war with myself right now.
Well, I have to let Nibbles and Alya run around because their cage is small and honestly, that's kinda how I hangout with them too. Well, there's two things that kinda bother me about Nibbles.
1. He and I don't exactly bond. Like, I just kinda feed him and pet him here and there and that's it. He doesn't actually enjoy my existance really. Like.. Idk, it's hard to explain. It's not like him and I are friends. It's like it's just my job to take care of him and then him and Alya are friends. My and I have noticed with pets... If there's just one, they will bond with you can enjoy being with you. You're their friend and they need you. If there's two, the other is their friend and you just kinda take care of them. It's like that with Haven and Vertigo but, I'm not really bothered.
2. He chews up everything. He chewed up my blanket and my clothes... I didn't really care until I relized what he was doing to my clothes and I'm really angry about it. I don't have lots of money and I can't fix these things. If I sewed it, it'd be obvious and I'd look like a dork. My new clothes, I don't feel confident in because of my weight gain.
I just feel like shit now. Because I don't know what to do with him. I can't have him chewing up my things but, if he can only stay in his cage, I can't hangout with him. Plus, that wouldn't be fair to Alya. She LOVES to be out of the cage and is very good. She stays where I can see her and never chews anything up except for paper (which I don't really care about). I think I'll need to give him away, but where? I have no clue. And I'd be taking Alya's best friend. She's not good with other's. I want to give her attention but I'd have to force Nibbles to stay in his cage... I can't give up Alya because she's done nothing wrong and I love her. I love Nibbles but, I can't do this.
So, honestly, I don't think I want to talk about the "Saturday Breakdown" thing. I guess I made the post just for you to know it happened. Or maybe to get it out. Idk. I, at least, just don't want to mention it anymore.
There's just a few random things I want to talk about. Nothing urgant.
1. Teri (Vice Principal)
So, Teri and I have ended up becoming friends. Or where I don't groan everytime I see her.
My mom emailed Teri to talk to me about my grades. Jackass. So, Teri did that but, obviously, I didn't want to, so I'd purposely get her on a different topic because she's easy to get off track. (I'm an asshole, I know). We'd talk about pets and later would talk about what I will in 2. I also told her about the Ricky thing but, wasn't mad but more like, curious why he did it. So then it didn't come off like I was trying to start a fight. Idk where that went but she seemed concerned and probably just had a talk with him. I'm glad it wasn't made a huge deal like, them bringing Jackie, I, and Ricky in a room to talk about it with a counselor. I think that was because I didn't sound angry about it.
I've even admitted to her kinda where I can be an ass. She's gotten to where she trusts me and kinda knows well what I'm like because of it. She found most of it funny, though. Her and I are but stubborn so, if her or I went through with certain plans, it'd be a war. Her and I admitting those things, it was fun to guess what the war would be like
So, Jackie and I have made friends with a janitor, haha. His name is Derrin. There's three janitors, I think. One of them you don't see often and most people don't know his name. Two of them everyone knows. They're always there when students are in the cafeteria. Well, Johnny is. Derrin you don't see as much.
So, Jackie and I have gym together after lunch and we hate it so, obviously we took our time getting there. We didn't give a shit about grades in there. Well, Teri said we'd lose five minutes of lunch to go dress out for gym so we'd be on time. The five minutes was when they forced everyone to go outside anyways so, we didn't care so much. But that decision was made before the whole escort drama and I planned to take longer so that we'd still not get to class on time. Just to give them the middle finger, I guess. I told Jackie and it was the plan. But then the escort thing happened so, my mom said I had to behave so they couldn't hold anything more against me. That was one of the plans that would've been war with Teri if I went thrugh with it, haha
But since I had to behave, we did it the way they expected.
So, Johnny and Derrin stand by the cafeteria doors. If they see you're headed for the bathroom, they won't say anything. If they see you're doing anything else, they'll ask you what you're doing. Teri said they'll usually ask her about it later to make sure the student wasn't lying. But they didn't with us so, they wither just trusted us or saw us walking with our gym shirts. Probably the second one.
Teri told me Derrin with either, if you're on his good side, be really nice and fun or, if you're on his bad side, always be onto you and all tough. I've also noticed his voice is really deep when he talks to students he doesn't trust, or doesn't know but will lighten up when he trusts and likes you.
So, we first met when he asked Jackie and I what we were doing and we told him. Then another time, Jackie and I were having one of our mini fights where we're just calling eachother stupid names because we think the other was being a turd. I called her "turdface" (we use stupid names like little kids would use as a joke, haha) but when I said that, I was walking by Derrin and didn't actually turn to look at her. So, it could've come off like I was saying that to Derrin. I immediately notice what I did and said, "I wasn't talking to you I was talking to her..." and he just went, "Mhm." Then Jackie cracked up in the halls while I was annoyed with myself and kept saying, "I really wasn't and you know it!"
So, the next day, Jackie was absent, so, I had to go on my own. Derrin said, "Where's your partner?"
"Oh, she'd absent... And I really was talking to Jackie!"
He laughed and his voice became lighter and he said he knew I was. Then, since we were kinda fimiliar with eachother, I'd always joke around by acting weird everytime I walked by him. Like, my eyes darting around as if I was guilt of something. Walking weird. Acting like I was on drugs. Etc. I always want to do it to cops but, obviously that could go terribly wrong, so, I don't.
Then one time, I asked what his name was because I didn't know it and wanted to be able to say hi to him and all. He said, "Idk, what do you want it to be?" I guess he knows I'm a fucking weirdo and wanted to see what I'd say. I stood there trying to think of it. Jackie said we needed to get going so, I told him I'd yell it at him when I think of it.
Well, I ended up picking, Ralph Pickleson but Pickles for short. He liked it, haha.
Then the next day, I saw him in the halls and he was using this weird machine thingy and looked funny so, I started kinda laughing at him. I don't remember exactly what he said but basically he wanted me to start just saying "Hi Pickles" instead of always laughing at him. So, yesterday, Jackie and I were in the halls playing guitar and he walked by, So, i yelled, "Sup Pickles!" and Jackie yelled "Hey Pickles!". He smiles and waved. I kept yelling in a stupid voice as he walked away. "Pickles!" Jackie said she could see him just walking through that next hall cracking up.
Then, at the end of the same day, we had an assemly, and I hate those. So, it's on my 5O4 that I get to stay in Student Services when those are going on. Jackie couldn't because she doesn't have any type of diagnosis and doesn't have any 5O4 or one of these cards I have. I'm not sure what exactly it's for tbh. As I was saying though, when I walked in with all my things and saw him. He looked back at my and I did a dorking type of smile-ish thing. He said, "There's trouble right there." To the secretary who knows me well so, she laughed. He then asked me about how much stuff I have. If I could, I would've just said, "Just a bunch of school shit I have to have."
3. Christmas Plans
So, as you know I'm getting the necklace and rat cage. I'm also getting an ear stretching kit and some of those spiral gauges. I've been wanting to streach my ears for at least a year now. Not very big though. I want my first earlobe piercing to be 6g and my second 8g.
Like this person's second and third piercing -
Then of course makeup things.
I'm also getting a tattoo choker (no charm). FINALLY!
I got some suction cups with hooks for Mojo's hammock. Which can be as simple to make as putting some holes in a washcloth and then using the suction cups.
Not sure what I'll be buying everyone... My sister and I never buy eachother anything. My mom never wants anything. My dad... Idk, I'll probably just ask what he wants.
Not sure if I'll buy friends anything. We rarely really do. I guess we just think of Christmas as a family thing. I don't think we will.
Well, Jade just told me that she bought me a christmas gift. Soooo, now I need to figure out what to give her...
That's all I can think of right now. Might update if there's anything else...
So, Lily got me a gift and let me open it early. It was a makeup kit.
Here's what it looks like - https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/shopping?q=tbn:ANd9GcQfmHlV0abXQqwNB4Okrcqj6ur5PiRnvkhyj7ixfBM6keLVrKic1o-o6U7rZ0AZx2qxODHUgqE&usqp=CAE
It's obvious Lily doesn't know much about makeup because it's more something a spoiled 8 year old would have, haha. But, I have an eyeshadow pallete the same brand (I think I've showed you it too). The eyeshadoes are good and I imagine the blushes are too.
4. Melissa and the Councelors
I just remembered I wanted to talk about this. I know there were other things but I can't remember them for the life of me .__.
So, lately Jackie has been randomly bringing up things Melissa has done. I asked why she didn't tell me right away and she said she didn't want me to get mad. I told her to just tell me anyways. So, apparently Melissa is trying to use Jackie to find things out. `
i don't remember everything. I just remember one story.
So, I was absent. It was the most recent time I was absent btw. Well, Melissa wanted to know why, even though my mom just called me in sick. That's all that is her business. But she and another councelor decided to pull Jackie out of class to ask if she knew where I was or why I was absent... Went something like this,
"Hey Jackie, do you know where Bri is?"
"I feel like there's something you're not telling us."
Then they let Jackie go back to class because she was starting to crack up.
I'm tempted to ask Teri about this but then I don't want to start a fight or anything.
5. Ear Piercing Plans
So, my ear stretching kits have arrived :3 I have them all wrapped up but I looked at them and they're really nice quality. I'll probably take pictures of christmas gifts when I can actually open them.. Just show eachother the crap we got, haha. But anyways. I made an updated plan like I said I would...
Here it is -
Never relized how weird ears were until I had to draw mine, haha x3
Idk how it is for you, but for my the picture is blurry so, I put numbers by each piercing and will put what they are below...
2. Spiral 6g
3. Tunnel 8g
4. Tunnel 10g
6. (Same as 2., 3., and 4.)
8. Forward Helix
So, Saturday was a tough day...
I'm not really sure what to say. All I know is that I want to talk about it but, I'm not sure how.
Ok, this is another situation where it seems horrifically stupid until I explain how I see things or my theory for my mind's reaction.
Recently my family got Netflix but it's where we can only watch it on one divice at a time. So, if I'm watching it on my laptop, my sister wouldn't be able to watch it on the upstairs tv. She'd be able to watch Xfinity or a regular movie.
Well, I was watching it in the morning when she was home and she came in my room asking for me to go to something else and I told her no and that I'd like to be left alone. I wasn't rude about it.
She went to basketball practice and I was still on it when she came back. My mom told me that we'd be getting family pictures taken any time between 12:00pm - 1:30pm. So, I was "dolling up" as my dad calls it. Doing my hair, makeup, etc. My hair was a mess so, I had to work with it a bit. I was doing my hair before she left and was finished with my makeup when she came back.
After she was back, she came stomping down into the basement and I remember thinking the steps sounded very angry and was confused. I can reconize all my family's footsteps and I knew it was my sister. I have this poster on my door and it has this shitty frame were each side can slide off. She barged in and I could hear the bottom "frame" fall to the ground and the poster swing.
I've always been very bitchy about peoples voice tones. A tone I don't like can completely set me off to where I have to get space from whoever did it. Her tone was extreamly angry and she said to get off Netflix. Honestly, if she came in saying, "Hey, you've been on Netflix all morning, I'd really appriciate if you could just watch youtube or something so, I could watch a movie. You can watch it with me too, if you'd like." That's what I would've done. Maybe not invite her to watch the movie, tbh, but something like that.
So, I got really angry immediately but tried to stay calm. I had Nibbles and Alya running around on my bed so, I couldn't just freak out. I told her that she was being rude and was making me angry. She yelled that she didn't care and I yelled louder to get out. I then jumped up not paying attention to Alya, who I could've hurt by squishing her or knocking her over. I started to push her out of my room but she pushed me back. I've never relized how weak I actually am. I always think I have Nicki's strength. Nowhere near...
My dad came down yelling at us to stop. When I yelled at him to get her out, he wouldn't before I said, I'd get off Netflix. Fucking serious? I didn't want to feel like I was "backing down" so, it made me angrier.
When they left I locked all doors and turned off lights. I thought I heard whimpering from Alya but after looking for her, I saw her run past me. I picked her up and she was just her usual self. She didn't seem injered at all. I think she ran under my pile of shirts on the corner of my bed when I started to get up. I immediately started crying when I thought I hurt her and felt so much emotion, I was lightheaded and was hoping I'd just faint. I remembered the utility knife I kept by my bedside and ran for it. You can probably guess the rest.
I went after my wrists though. It was easiest to get to and I was able to cut harder. I kept doing it while saying, "I can do it" over and over. It was as if they were the only words I knew. I don't know what I meant by it. I just felt better saying it.
My left wrist is worse and my right only has about 6. My left has around 25. Hard to count...But the point is, it's not super bad compared to how far some people go... I didn't bleed much either, so they're minor.
I was breathing really hard and yelling "I can do it". I kept hitting the back of the utility knife (the part witout the blade) againt my forehead and I have a little bump and it's sensitive. Not noticable unless I point it out though. My dad called my name a few times before removing the door knob on the first door that goes into the basement. It took a while. I was overall done breaking down when he got in. He asked if he'd need to break down my bedroom door too and I told him no, and unlocked the door.
He was able to get me to go get pictures taken still.
My mom was helping out at the photography place, thingy. So, it was just my dad and sister who were going. My mom knew none of this, yet. I fixed up my makeup and got re-dressed. I was only wearing leggings and a tanktop through all of that. I even had some blood on my chest but, my dad didn't seem to notice anything because, I didn't exactly show it off. I grabbed some old leggings I never wear and cut it up to be like shitty arm gloves to cover my wrists. We went and because of my emotional state, my dad let me bring Mojo. I sat in the front and my sister and I didn't talk. My dad tried to make conversation but got few responses.
When we got there I, of course, couldn't bring in Mojo, so I got him comfy and was worried about leaving him.
When we were waiting and my dad had to go to the bathroom leaving only my sister, I and my mom who was still working. My mom asked why I was sad. My sister said we had a fight and said, I wouldn't get off Netflix. Making it sound like I started it all and was being the asshole. I then said that I got mad because she came stomping down into my room yelling at me. She then started to go off and I "had to go to the bathroom". My mom asked if I knew where it was and I lied that I did. How the fuck would I know that? I've never been here. But I happened to guess correct because I ran into my dad who just left the bathroom while I was wandering. I told him my sister was starting up the fight again so, he and I just looked around for a bit. When I came back, I sat on one end, my sister on the other. He sat by my sister which I felt kinda crappy about but, I probably looked into it too much. Lily was there helping too beause her dad was one of the photographers. She tried talking to me but it ended with her saying, "You don't look so happy..", me nodding and her awkwardly walking away.
I hated the photoshoot.
Mojo was fine and was crawling up the seat, and looked happy that I was back when he saw me through the window. Not sure if he even reconized me but, I like the first idea better, haha.
My sister ended up apologizing saying she was mad because of how basketball practice went. I didn't really appriciate it. She's taken out her anger on me since we were little. I have lots of resons to hate her. Few to like her. You're expected to love your family, just because you're related. That's the only apology I remember from her when it comes to all the shit she's done. I think she only apologized since I wouldn't just act like it didn't happen like I usually do.
My dad also won't put my knob back on my door because he doesn't want me to ba able to lock it. My mom told him to put it back and she said he got mad about it. I haven't talked to him about it.
Not sure if I already told you this. Cynthia told me she thinks I'm mad because I always feel like my bounderies are being crossed. I also think it's because how weak I feel that I can't really defend those bounderies. My anger is very limited now. Now, I get sad. I struggle to raise my voice or make much noise. I'm just weak. I don't feel any strength from Damon or Nicki. I just feel sick. Not myself.
Ok, just to prove how overly emotional I am, I just got super sad that Gear Duran got sent home in Skin Wars. Half of me doesn't even want to watch it anymore. He's just so freakin adorable, sweet, and talented. I thought he'd win like WHY??!!! WTF -_-
I really have to get homework done so, I can't make corrections...
Well, this all started in gym class... So, you can have an idea what the fuck I'm talking about, here's a simplified diagram of the gym setup. The "Gym" is a lot bigger but, I'm lazy.
So, Jackie and I were "playing hockey". Really we were just smacking a puck around and knocking each other over. But, then we got an idea for a game... So, we went in the left hall and would act like we were casually just passing the puck. But, whenever someone walked in the front part or the enterence of the hall we'd dramatically throw our sticks down, act pissed off and hide near the supply room, so they couldn't see us cracking up. Lot's of people went there since there was a water fountain. Yeah, you can see what fucking dumbasses we are, haha. So, there was a boy we nicknamed Chickin Nugget (it's a long story, haha). So we'll call him Nugget. So, Nugget would just be a turd but trying to steal out puck and sticks. At one point when he actually got the puck, I chased him and he throw it up on the bleachers that looks something like this when it was "closed" (http://i00.i.aliimg.com/photo/v0/60118310502_1/2014_popular_soft_telescopic_bleachers_for_school.jpg) They're electronic so, they can "unfold" and it be like normal bleachers or go in and be like that. So, I couldn't get the puck unless I went to an area of the bleachers that I could climb. There was a boy on there who I knew and he was always very polite to me. I asked for him to give it to me which he did even though Nugget said not to. "Heh! He's on my side" I chanted running of with the puck. So, Jackie and I continued. Also, another boy who'll I'll call... Jason (tbh Idk his actual name). I think Jason caught on to our game and would come over yelling not to abuse the sticks and puck. Him and I got in a war with making one of me weird "squeek" sounds I always make. I think Jason is a cool guy but, he is friends with a guy who is just simply and asshole. His name is Ricky. Jackie has gotten in a physical fight with him 2 times because he said something rude to her. I know the first time was because they were partnered up and she told him to finish his work because he was goofing off and he said, "Shut up, fatass". So, she tried her best to pin him down and get as many punches as she could. He'd squerm a lot though and she said his punches hurt pretty bad since his' practically just bone with a thin layer of skin. But her pain tolerance isn't as hard as mine. So, he has some type of mental issues. I don't really know much but Jackie does because she's dealt with him. He has a lady who always walks him every where. Jackie said he likes to punch people. He's also just fucking rude. Obviously, I didn't trust him and kept my distance but, I wasn't scared of him either. He's a loser. And that's coming from me... At one point, he took Jackie's stick that was on the ground and I was happy and hyper so, I chased him thinking it was all a joke. He through it saying, "Yeet!" and I got it. Later when everyone was going in the lockers, Jackie and I hid in the supply room. The right side was unlocked, the left was locked. We went in though the right side and Jackie said to get out though the left. But then we noticed the boys were going in and we didn't want to see that. Ricky ran towards us and I shut the door. He banged on it like he was pissed. I thought it was funny thinking it was all a joke. But then, we noticed he was ACTUALLY angry. The banging stoped so I ran to the left side and leaned on the door. I've gained lots of weight so, I felt confident in him not getting in. The one time I'm thankful for my weight gain, haha. So, I though he was saying something like, "Let me in piggy" but Jackie said it was "Let me in you little bitch". Half of me wished I let him in so I could have an excuse to use this kid as my punching bag. But insticts and protecting Jackie told me no and I followed that. Jackie was legit scared but at the same confident since I was there. She knows I'mpractically the female Hulk so, she's not so worried with me there. I was still giggling at him. I didn't have the bg rush of adrenaline. I knew he was really pissed but at the same time I was oblivious. I didn't get his goal or whatever. Jackie explained later. She said he was mad since we got to be in the supply room and he didn't... Or something like that. It reminded me of when my sister would chase me when I was little and I'd scream and hide, trying to hide from her hitting me. We called it the "mood". My parent almost started to ignore it because it happened everyday. It was just when they got annoyed with my screaming and crying that they spank her or hold her down. I didn't have a lock on my door so, I stole wood that'd hold the door knob. KInda like this (http://static1.fjcdn.com/comments/How+about+taking+that+chair+and+propping+it+up+against+_0245d192dbbfcffaa8a5cd77d03d39c2.png)
but with a wooden board I'd taken from my dad's garage. I don't really remember it much. I just remeber it was painful and ignored then soon thought as regular.
So, this disturbed me for my last class that was after gym. Math. We had a quiz and I had a pretty hard time... Couldn't focus for shit.
But after school Jackie invited me to a Chirstmas Party. I went and was really happy. Not as happy as I was at the soccer game but, definitely happy. I was alowed to take some leftovers. I took maccaroni & cheese, and rice krispies.
When I got home, my sister stared at the rice krispies. I had four little ones. I told her I'd be keeping them to myself. The reason was that when I felt down I'd take a little piece and feel better. You know how smells can make you remember something? It was like that or me, I guess. Because the rice krispies had green, red, and white sprincles and a taste I didn't have often. So, I'd remeber the chrismas and how happy I was. Like when I wear the hockey beanie I am just happier. I'll probably be like that with the globe necklace when I get it. I'll try this weekend, btw. But the point is, it meant more to me than you'd think. I know it's kinda dumb but, hopefully you kinda see what I mean. You already know about the whole kicking and banging on her door.
She told my mom and my mom, I think, took my side in the end. She said she'd talk to my sister. My dad either doesn't know or just doen't want to deal with it. I was nice and happy with him. He offered me pizza but I told him I already ate with Jackie and he could just enjoy the extra slice. Then he helped me with homework which I think he was just happy to hangout. If he went to question me about a topic filled with anger, I'd start yelling and no longer he his happy daughter. I know he misses when I was happy. I'm starting to cry thinkng about it.
I'd always go every where with him happily. I'd buy tools with him and he'd buy something we could build together. I'd always watch movies with him even though I had no clue what was happening. When my mom and sister wouldn't go with him, I always did. He always held or hugged my in pictures. I was always his little girl. We listened to rock music together while my mom and sister only liked country. I'd do my best to help him cook even though I was too short to reach anything. He'd always get me necklaces, dresses, and pretty accesories like a hat I wore everyday to church. He;d always bring me something and I loved everything he brought.
Then my sister started sport and I became depressed and angry. I know I'm not his girl anymore. I'm a girl my mom stuggles to take care of and a girl with problems that he wished would go away.
Soooooo.... Uh. I swear, this is the last one.
I've been talking about wanting a bearded dragon for months and when I saw someone selling a bearded dragon for $120 I flipped my shit and my mom was surprisingly nice about it. I said I'd pay one hundred (There's things I've been meaning to get for a while and I just told my mom the $20 could be like part of Christmas). The lady was really nice and said if it just wasn't working out, I could take him back. I've had him three days but didn't say anything right away because I didn't know whether it was for sure or not. Since I just bought him without really planning it, I was glad to have that as an option to take him back. Beardies are more complicated than ball pythons and corn snakes. And of course, more money. I know it was rather stupid since we're worried about Shiloh being warm but, I just couldn't reject it without constantly wondering if I was stupid to miss the opportunity. One time I missed the opportunity of getting a bearded dragon and it's things for only $50 and am kinda mad at myself for it. I have a heating pad like thing that goes in the microwave. The lady who sold the beardie to me, gave me another heating pad like thing for the drive home to keep the bearded dragon warm. It looks like it's meant for the neck and it also goes in a microwave. Then I have one you plug in. If we couldn't afford another heating light or mat and she needed one, I'd give her at least two of those. I'd also put a heater near her if she seemed that cold. I wouldn't just leave her so she'll be okay. I think she's okay since she still ate and I'll be sure she's digesting well.
My mom told me she was okay with it since she knows how much I've been wanting a bearded dragon. At the store where we get anything for Shiloh and Zeppelin, they've been letting me hold a bearded dragon whenever I'm there. I asked the store owner, Ronald, how much he's okay with it and he said it was fine when there aren't lots of kids in the store (because then they'd all want to hold it) but other than that, I'm good with animals so he has no problem with it. I'd always say, "I really want one but I already have too many pets." So, I was trying really hard just to tell myself no. But FUCK. Obviously, I didn't succeed.
I've been holding him a lot for while I've had him. His previous owner gave him away because she just doesn't really enjoy reptiles and her son was the one that wanted him but never actually takes care of him or even holds him. Just stares at him. So, I'm surprised at how sweet he is for being in a home that didn't really hold him. The mom took care of him but didn't love him or carry him around like I do. We have some bonding to do of course but he is very nice. I don't regret getting him at all. He tells me when he wants attention by scratching at the walls of his terrarium and tells me when he wants back in his terrarium by running to it. He'll tell me when he's tired by waddling to his terrarium, haha. Unlike Zeppelin and Shiloh, you have to have a bedtime and wake up time for them. So far, he seems tired at 8:00pm and I'm not sure when he wakes up yet. I'll need it to be at least 7:00am (for school). So, I might have to put him to bed earlier and get him on a schedule that works for me. People say it's 12 hours but some say 8 hours in the winter. So, I'll try 12 for now because I don't want him to get too little of sleep.
Here's names I'm thinking of
Merlin (I just find that name funny tbh, haha)
Jackie wants Pickles. Not surprising, haha. I really like Louie or Mojo. If you have any other ideas, go ahead and say.
OK ok ok... I need to stop just making post after post. But it's like every time I make a post, by time I can respond more things have happened. We have Thanksgiving Break now so, I will be able to respond. I have this week off from school. If you still have the same questions that you asked before, just ask again.
So, this big situation happened. It doesn't seem too big anymore but, it still kinda sucks.
Well, I'm going to start with the situation with Lisa.. Oh also, I recently remember I first called Lisa, Addison. Honestly I like Addison more for her. Plus it'd be less confusing with your friend Lisa. I'm going to call her Addison for now on in this post but if it's confusing to you I'll go back to calling her Lisa.
So, it was Friday that this all happened. It was November 4th. It was presenting day for the project and it was where staff members and students would walk in whenever and look around and listen to your presentation and all. Really, Addison built it as her's. She has only a script for her and really there was nothing I could help with other than setting up. Dr. Biggs asked what I helped with probably because he knew about the trip since we asked for an extension (he said no). So, I told him I helped with research. He said it wasn't enough to be able to get 100% He wanted me to get it done over the weekend and maybe work on it some Monday. So, it was Addison's project which I'd get no credit for and then I'd have to make my own in three days. I already wanted to leave because Addison was being bitchy and was annoying me. But that made me snap. I'd been REALLY on edge all week. There was no such thing as a good day. Just "crappy", "absolute shit", and "Fuck this". So, I said I needed to go to what they call "Student Services" which is where the school counselors are and he let me. I told a lady I just needed a room to cry in and be left alone so, she'd make sure nobody came in. I cried and I felt all the pain that my mind had numbed. I was suicidal and couldn't stand my own existence. I asked if I could call my mother and the lady said yes. Sometimes I call her to encourage me to get through the day but then there are times like this where I needed to go home. I told my mom and she said she'd be on her way. Every grade has their own counselor and we'll call my grade's counselor Melissa. Melissa told me that I'd need to talk to her or go back to class. I told her that everything to do with home or my own mental stuff, I wanted to keep to myself but I told her about the whole thing with Addison and Dr. Biggs. She basically said it'd be fine and sent me back to class. I didn't want to tell her I was going home because she'd bitch about missing too much school. I was breaking down and my decisions weren't the best. Jackie and my locker are near our guitar class and we were in guitar class so she saw me and came over. I was packing my backpack and Jackie knew I was a mess so we talked a bit and then I went where I'd be picked up. I thought my mom was going to be there any minute as it had been like 15 minutes. I was with Melissa for 10 minutes and packed for about 5. My mom still wasn't there for a while so I called her and she said she'd be there as soon as possible. She came and she said she called Melissa to tell her to keep me there but Melissa said she'd sent me to class already and my mom said she'd be there at my lunch time to check on me. Also, at one point when panicking I asked for Jackie but they said they couldn't pull her because she was in a core class. She was in science and they were doing a big project so, I understood that. After science ended she saw that there was none of my stuff in our locker and that I wasn't in guitar, so she knew I was there. Jackie said she asked if I was there and Melissa said I wasn't. But when Melissa told me Jackie came in she said she told her I was there and that I'd be fine. So, my mom picked me up but then Melissa emailed my mom. She marked me as Truant which means I skipped class and then marked me as Ill for the rest of school after my mom picked me up. She also wanted me to have an "escort". She wasn't specific so we thought she wanted me to have an escort everywhere I go when she meant just out of Student Services. So, my dad was pissed and just wanted me to move schools as he was sick of the shit. My mom said no because it'd be hard for obvious reasons. Every grade also has their own vice principal but we all have the same principal. We'll call my vice principal, Teri. My principal, Teri and my mom talked then Teri, my principal and I talked. They really pissed me off. Then Teri told me I'd have to have detention with her. I got mad and was being a bit rude. She made it seem like a punishment but really she wanted to ask me questions to get to know me. But what kinda annoyed me was that she had let another girl wait with her. It wasn't planned. So of course we couldn't talk and I just studied my spanish. The girl was nice and all but that was just a waste of my time. She told me before it'd be and hour and a half but then that girl was there for an hour. We got it down that I freak out about be controlled or feeling trapped and needed a certain amount of my freedom.
Melissa seems to have shut up about the "escort" idea so I think Teri told her it was a bad idea. For me, you have to let me make my mistakes and then let me learn from them. The escort thing would just have me pissed off. I still haven't done the project and I will get it done now.
Also, Jackie thought that Addison had said to Dr. Biggs that I did nothing, or something like that. Jackie doesn't like Addison so she thinks Addison is an asshole who'd do something like that. I texted her saying, "Hey Addison. Just be honest with me. Did you say something to Dr. Biggs? I understand if the whole situation made you mad or something but you could've said something to me." She said she didn't and asked what happened. I'm guessing Dr. Biggs didn't talk to her. Jackie said she kept looking over where Jackie, Emily and I usually sit, at lunch. And she had what Jackie called a guilty expression on her face. I think she was just kinda worried about what happened to me. I know exactly what look Jackie is talking about because I've seen Addison do it a lot. But ever since all of this, things have been super awkward between Addison and I. We use to sit together before Dr. Biggs moved people around. He moved people because these kids would be super obnoxious every class. But anyways, when we were still sitting together, one day she had kept repeating that she didn't say anything and I told her it was fine and that I believed her. I think things are awkward because our friendship was based on humor and with me so angry all the time, it's hard for things to be normal. Plus she probably thinks I hate her now or something. She's with the popular, dramatic, drama-causing kids so, of course she'd think that. Half of me thinks I need to text her that I'm not mad at her or whatever and kinda explain briefly.
My mom has called a psychiatrist who will be like a therapist and someone who prescribes pills. So then he will actually know me and what I need. I'm happy that I can finally get my pills fixed. I do have to wait until I talk to Cynthia about it because the psychiatrist wants to see what she thinks. Another plus. A psychiatrist who actually respects my therapist. I've been super angry all of november and have had to cake on foundation because I turn very pink when I'm mad. I don't just want to be pink all day. I feel really shitty because I'm doing terrible in school. The only classes I'm good in are Spanish, Science, and guitar. My grades are : F, B, F, D-, D+, B, B+, and A+
My mom is always nagging about them.
Anyways, I bought Haven and Vertigo some treats. Vertigo absolutely loves them and I'm not sure if Haven does. I tried to give them some last night but they were in their cage. Haven ran out but only sniffed them. I just put two in a bowl and hoped they'd be gone in the morning. They were. Then this morning I offered Vertigo a treat since he didn't run from me and let me pet him and he ate it from my hand very happily. I'm struggling to get them where they like me so I'm thinking I'll bring them a carrot or some type of treat when I see them. Then give them a treat when they stay. Like with Vertigo. Haven ran out after me calling her for a bit and she sniffed it but then Vertigo clearly really wanted it so, I gave it to him. I will try to get her to eat out of my hand later.
I let Nibbles and Alya run around my bed a lot and lately have been giving them any leftover food, haha. Nibbles has learned to run over when I call for him because it usually means food. One issue. When I'm doing homework Nibbles will chew on my paper. Or when I'm paying my guitar he will chew my book or guitar case. There's a reason he was named Nibbles, haha. Any ideas for how to keep him from doing that? Sometimes I give him something else to chew or move him away but he doesn't seem to be catching on. He's not the smartest of rats.
Also, the bunnies didn't care for the edible house so now it's Nibbles and he's been chewing it a lot. He chewed it ALL THE TIME when I first gave it to him but he doesn't as much anymore. He still likes it though and Alya just likes it as a hideout.
I know there was something else I wanted to talk about but can't remember it at the moment. I'll just update this when I remember. Oh and do you still want me to comment on your posts or is it no longer very relevant? Maybe you could do a big update post kinda like this so things make more sense for us, or me at least x3 Even if you're just repeating a bunch.
I just have no motivation... Only in very few things. Like guitar. I can only write or do certain things because I just have enough motivation to. If something is "too hard", I won't do it. I can sit and stare at it but that's about it. Let say I have 2/10 motivation. I can do spanish and guitar easily because guitar I've always felt determined since I started. Spanish, I good at so it takes little effort. Dr. Biggs class takes 8/10. Noooope. Math is 6/10. NOPE. English depends. But nothing is a 2/10 right now... I can't just say to my teachers, "I don't wanna". I've just been staring at my homework all day. What I have done? Spanish, and guitar. Nothing else. My mom's been nagging and nagging. I just can't do it. My body won't. It's like being yelled at to smile when you're heartbroken or telling a bird with broken wings to fly. You use to be capable but now you just can't. I don't want to explain all the shit going on at school... I tried and gave up. I don't want to go to school and the only thing that keeps me from staying in bed is the danger of my mind. But once I'm in class I consider just letting my mind kill me.
"Some days life is all about your dreams, hopes and visions for the future. But there are some days where life is just about putting one foot in front of the other. And that's okay."